My childs new friend may be related to a sex offender

[Kitty212]

Hi- this is my first post so apologies if i waffle!
My child is in reception and has made quite a few new little friends, but thanks to lockdown, we havent been able to do playdates etc.
One of her new friends is asking her over for a playdate and sleepover (we said no to the sleepover, as we think she is too young anyway) but I have since heard that this friends older brother was removed from the school 5 years ago, after he admitted to sexually abusing a number of girls in his class.
They were all in primary school at the time, and so I don't believe that this boy would be on a register, even if these rumours are true, but my point is, do I have a right to ask the school to disclose whether or not these stories are true?

Obviously I don't want to sound like some sort of vigilante seeking information about a potentially innocent family, but I am still really concerned that if these stories are true, that I don't want my child going to their house or (if i'm being completely honest) having anything to do with this child or their family ever again.

Any advice or similar experience, or just opinions would be so gratefully received.

Many thanks

If you don't want your child at a sleepover...that's all the reason needed.

I really doubt the school will tell you anything. I think you need to speak to a police officer, not sure a child would fall under Clare’s Law.

And your child is 4, maybe 5... You have absolute complete control of where your child goes, who they spend time with etc

You can just say 'no' when she is invited over again. It really is very simple to control this situation.

The school won't tell you, it would be breaching all sorts of confidentiality.

If you don't want your kid to go round there, that's enough of a reason. DS was friends with a boy at primary who came from difficult circumstances, we cultivated an after school park thing so he could see his friend under supervision. Worked really well. I was happy to take on all the 'hosting' if it came to that, but it fizzled out.

So you want the school to disclose private information so that you can potentially ostracise a five year old?

Nice.

How about " don't be ridiculous you're far too young for a sleep over and you can have all the play dates you want as long as it's in your own house"

School can't disclose information to you about another family. At this age you could go with on the first play date to supervise, or just invite the child to your house and refuse reciprocal invitations saying yours would prefer to be at your house.

I feel for the other child being penalised for her brother's alleged offences, but I understand your concerns.

How old was he at the time and how old is he now? Does he live at the house? I very much doubt the school would be able to discuss this with you, but surely you could ask the girl's mum?

But also, yes, of course they won't disclose anything like that.

Never ever sent my kids on sleepovers until they were at least 12, and even then very rarely and only to families where I knew the parents really well.

@BlusteryLake

How old was he at the time and how old is he now? Does he live at the house? I very much doubt the school would be able to discuss this with you, but surely you could ask the girl's mum?

How would you go about that conversation?

"Oh, hi there Mrs Jones. I heard a rumour that your son sexually assaulted girls when he was in primary, is that true?"

So a young, primary aged, child presenting with overly sexualised behaviour has learnt it somewhere - most likely at home. My child wouldn't be going in to their home without me unless I was 110% sure the rumours were completely untrue. But absolutely no harm in playdates at parks and such like for now.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

So a young, primary aged, child presenting with overly sexualised behaviour has learnt it somewhere - most likely at home. My child wouldn't be going in to their home without me unless I was 110% sure the rumours were completely untrue. But absolutely no harm in playdates at parks and such like for now.

But the child may have been groomed and abused by someone out of the home. Which may have led to the alleged behaviour.

Agree with PP who says sexualised behaviour is learned, whether from neglectful parenting without enough supervision or even worse, directly. That is a big safeguarding red flag.

I am a very straightforward sort of person that NEVER says "Go with your gut." but that is exactly what I would do in this situation. Plus, as a TA for four and five year olds, their friendship may fizzle out within weeks anyway.

"whether from neglectful parenting without enough supervision"

Wow. So the kids that got groomed/abused/ raped by teachers/religious leaders/youth group leaders/family members/sports coaches are actually to blame and neglected their children?

Nice.

But the child may have been groomed and abused by someone out of the home. Which may have led to the alleged behaviour.

Maybe, but as I said, this often comes from within the home. Does it matter where he learnt it in this scenario? I would not risk my child's safety in the presence of an older brother who was expelled from school for displaying sexualised aggression at a young age.

I think mine were about 11 before they went on sleepovers outside of close family. I knew the families if their friends pretty well by then.
No way would they be going to stay in a home where an elder sibling had been accussed of such things. Just not worth the risk.

It also takes lot to expel a child from school, it's not a decision that is taken likely. There will have been a full investigation.
I hope that all the children concerned have been fully supported through this, but yeah, theresno way, my child would be sleeping over or even visiting that home.

I don’t know of any YR children who go on play dates without their parents attending unless they already knew each other outside of school.

Suggest they Meet at the park, just say your child isn't ready for unaccompanied play dates and don't consider sleepovers until your child is at secondary school. No need for more information.

If he was 10 or above he could have been involved with the police or the youth offending service.
10 or under and he could have been referred for some work with the NSPCC or other organisation.
Either way you will not be able to find out.
Just say no, you don't need to give a reason.

I don't think the school would be able to tell you anything?
As for asking the mum, um, yeah think that would go down like a lead balloon lol!
I wouldn't be letting my kids stay over, the rumours would be enough for me to say no.
Go with your gut, and you don't have to say what it's for either, just say no.

Thank you all for you comments so far- this is my first child, so wasn't sure what is the sort of going age for a first sleepover, so its good to hear that most kids were nearere secondary school age.
Re the older brother, yes i totally agree with the comments that that sort of behaviour is learned, so its likely that he witnessed something really unpleasant, so i completely feel like he is a victim too.

Obviously gdpr was my inital thought about the school disclosing information, but child protection regulations stipulate that if there is a risk that a child could be endangered then those restrictions do not apply.

Also as one or two have said, it also isnt her friends fault either.

But again thank u all for your thoughts and wisdom- parenting is a bloomin mine field!xx

Re the older brother, yes i totally agree with the comments that that sort of behaviour is learned, so its likely that he witnessed something really unpleasant, so i completely feel like he is a victim too.

Or he and his family are the victims of some really vicious gossip and you are just tagging along for the ride. You appear to have no proof that anything happened at all, but you've made up your mind it is true.

Although I wouldn’t be too happy about my DD going into a situation like this, if he is still at home it shows he isn’t deemed a risk to his sister. So for whatever reason he hasn’t been removed

How old is he? How long ago was this supposed to have happened? I just wonder how much is Chinese whispers, but it is worrying. I think I’d try and get a conversation with the mother going, or with the child about her brother

Reception age is really young for a sleepover anyway so nobody will think it odd if you refuse. I didn't think sleepovers started until junior school at least?