My childs new friend may be related to a sex offender

[Kitty212]

Hi- this is my first post so apologies if i waffle!
My child is in reception and has made quite a few new little friends, but thanks to lockdown, we havent been able to do playdates etc.
One of her new friends is asking her over for a playdate and sleepover (we said no to the sleepover, as we think she is too young anyway) but I have since heard that this friends older brother was removed from the school 5 years ago, after he admitted to sexually abusing a number of girls in his class.
They were all in primary school at the time, and so I don't believe that this boy would be on a register, even if these rumours are true, but my point is, do I have a right to ask the school to disclose whether or not these stories are true?

Obviously I don't want to sound like some sort of vigilante seeking information about a potentially innocent family, but I am still really concerned that if these stories are true, that I don't want my child going to their house or (if i'm being completely honest) having anything to do with this child or their family ever again.

Any advice or similar experience, or just opinions would be so gratefully received.

Many thanks

Oh, I see you already said no to the sleepover. I think at 4-5 you could still reasonably say no to unsupervised playdates without having to give any explanation.

Firstly, YABU to describe this boy as a sex offender. These are only rumours you have heard and, if he was below the age of criminal responsibility, he can't be any kind of offender and is probably himself a victim. Though that doesn't make it better for the children he targeted.

Secondly, ostracising a 4/5yo because of rumours about the actions of their elder sibling is just wrong.

But YANBU to say no unaccompanied playdates (and there's no way my reception age child would be having sleepovers in any case ). I think it's fine just to say that your DC is not comfortable going to strangers' houses and could the other child come to yours? I wouldn't send my own DC to anyone's house by themselves if I didn't know and trust the parents.

Don't let your child go round at least until she's quite a bit older, and no sleepovers either. Let them meet at your house or in the park. If it was it 5 years ago don't you know anyone with older children who may remember what happened?

And FWIW I can't imagine anything worse than a sleepover for 4/5 year olds. Sounds like hell on earth. Too young to shove in front of the TV all evening and still need a lot of parental interaction. Also, there's bound to be tears at bedtime and difficulty sleeping in a strange place. There's no way I would either host one or let my DC attend.

FGS OP stop listening to gossip. And for the love of god don't ask the school for a disclosure - they won't tell you either way and you'd only embarrass yourself. Just say no to the play date at hers. She's in reception so young enough for you to be able to say "she prefers being at home at such a young age"

@JackieTheFart

I really doubt the school will tell you anything. I think you need to speak to a police officer, not sure a child would fall under Clare’s Law.

Clare's Law isn't for nosey school mums though who have e power to keep their child away from anyone they want

@00100001

"whether from neglectful parenting without enough supervision"

Wow. So the kids that got groomed/abused/ raped by teachers/religious leaders/youth group leaders/family members/sports coaches are actually to blame and neglected their children?

Nice.

It's so fucking offensive isn't it.

Decline.

No, it's not their place to tell you.

Have the friend visit yours instead then your child won't come into contact with this boy.

You could ask the other child's mother.

@2bazookas

You could ask the other child's mother.

"Hi Sharon, just want to ask if your primary aged child was a sex offender"

FFS REALLY

The school has a general safeguarding responsibility, so I think that if they believed that this child's family represented a risk they would have done something about it by now, e.g. ensured that they knew that other children couldn't be invited round to theirs.

@Kitty212

Thank you all for you comments so far- this is my first child, so wasn't sure what is the sort of going age for a first sleepover, so its good to hear that most kids were nearere secondary school age. Re the older brother, yes i totally agree with the comments that that sort of behaviour is learned, so its likely that he witnessed something really unpleasant, so i completely feel like he is a victim too.

Obviously gdpr was my inital thought about the school disclosing information, but child protection regulations stipulate that if there is a risk that a child could be endangered then those restrictions do not apply.

Also as one or two have said, it also isnt her friends fault either.

But again thank u all for your thoughts and wisdom- parenting is a bloomin mine field!xx

While it is true that safeguarding does trump gdpr, that categorically does not include nosey parents asking for information.

@00100001 I totally agree with you, and love your first post on this thread

In reception, I wouldn't be sending your child t9 anyone's house on their own for a play-date. It's standard for parents to go too at that age.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

FGS OP stop listening to gossip. And for the love of god don't ask the school for a disclosure - they won't tell you either way and you'd only embarrass yourself. Just say no to the play date at hers. She's in reception so young enough for you to be able to say "she prefers being at home at such a young age"

That.

Please don't pass on this rumour to anyone else, the boy may not have done anything.

Agree just say no. I’ve always been funny about sleepovers. My kids are young teens but I’ve never let them go to sleepovers unless I personally know the family well.

DD was good friends with a girl throughout primary who often invited her for sleepovers. It sounds awful but there was just something about the girls dad that didn't sit right with me so I always just used the excuse that I thought she was too young but the friend was very welcome at ours. The excuse was never questioned and it was completely fine. It wasn't long before he was arrested for sexually assaulting the girls older sister (his stepdaughter). If you're in any doubt op then don't allow your DD to stay

Thanks all. I'm gonna close this thread now as i've definitely been reassured.

Re the nosey mum comments, i think its safe to say that given the nature of the accusations its definitely not a just a parent wanting some gossip.
But I understand that if you ask for peoples opinions, you will always get some heat- just trust that it comes from a place of concern, not simply sticking my nose into other people's business.

Take care and stay safe all.x

Where and from whom did you hear the rumours?

Why don’t you invite the friend to your house instead.

@Moondust001

Re the older brother, yes i totally agree with the comments that that sort of behaviour is learned, so its likely that he witnessed something really unpleasant, so i completely feel like he is a victim too.

Or he and his family are the victims of some really vicious gossip and you are just tagging along for the ride. You appear to have no proof that anything happened at all, but you've made up your mind it is true.

It may be vicious gossip, but as there's no way to find out for sure, I wouldn't risk my child going over.

As has been said it's a rumour and not fact but of course you are right to be cautious.

However it's a little unfair on the littlr girl to say you don't want your DD to have ANYTHING to do with her. It's not right that this innocent child should grow up with no friends because of what her brother did it didn't do in primary school.

It's completely fine to say no to the sleepover unless at your house. It's fine to even say no to play dates at her house but absolutely nothing wrong with park play dates, away from her house play dates and at yours.

I understand your concern, and you want to protect your DD which is understandable but just don't go too OTT over a rumour. You can keep your DD safe and allow the friendship at the same time.

I did playdates at that end with parents I got on with too. I never sent little kids anywhere on there own until later.

Sleepovers : just say no anyway at this age. Imo it's just not age appropriate anyway.

To be clear: I visited with my child and invited a child and parent to us. For a good while tbh.

You don't have to send your child on playdates to have friends at school. They will find friends and play with then in school breaks and lunch.