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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlled? Or just incapable ?

26 replies

Chocolateicelolly · 30/03/2021 20:15

Partner took over the cooking when dd was born, I travel to and from my mums ( I am her carer ) and he is usually home before me so puts dinner on but tonight I was already home, he came in sat down then followed me out to the kitchen I was putting some alphabets on the Tray to go with burgers to which he comes out and says oh I was doing dd chicken, at this point I just leave the burgers on the side and go and play with dd he put the burgers back and did the chicken! He makes me feel incapable like a child.
He won't let us try for another baby despite our age, because we will try when he says we can.
For a long time I haven't felt like an adult around him, if I suggest things hell switch it around or change it up abit ie we went litter picking and I suggested a field but no we had to do it elsewhere where no one can see not that he was helping or anything! Not sure why I've come on here just to vent I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 30/03/2021 20:40

He also gets quite stroppy with me and impatient x

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 30/03/2021 21:17

This does sound controlling, you seem to feel you have no say in your own life, he's micromanaging it all.

These men don't really change. They only get worse. You don't have to stay with him.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 30/03/2021 22:09

I don't feel like my life's my own or I have my own choices c

OP posts:
HamFisted · 30/03/2021 22:17

I don't see the big deal with the chicken thing- I do this sort of thing too. If I've got a plan l'll stick to it.

The baby thing is fair enough- you can't really try unless both parents-to-be are on board.

The litter picking thing confuses me, so I don't have an opinion there.

However, you say you feel like this is a constant thing with him- maybe he's a bit of a control freak and it's hard to pick up from a couple of isolated examples. Have you spoken to him about it?

BackforGood · 30/03/2021 22:46

What HamFisted said.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 30/03/2021 22:54

Yes I've told him in the past he's abit controlling and takes over he agreed he takes over and said he'd back off abit but he never does! He makes me feel like a child

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 30/03/2021 23:53

Big pat on the back for litter picking. More people should do it.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 00:00

I'm split too on this - some of it doesn't seem controlling BUT I'm not living it and it can be insidious.

The cooking, I normally cook and have an idea in my heado f heat were having each night. Of DH walked in and started cooking random food I'd be a bit 🙄 but he'd just be like oh well, I've started now and would finish.

The baby thing, you say despite your age so are you running out of time and he's hesitating? Of course you can't have one until he's also on board but if you think he never will and he's screwing with your chances of having a 2nd you don't have to stay. Similarly if he decides 3 days after you get a promotion he wants a kid, you get to say no.

Litter picking, did he just say no to spite you or because he didn't want people to see?

I think the qn is what would happen if you'd said "oh well, I've put this on now" and carried on? If you'd said "no ideally want to do this field" and walked off?

What would happen if every time heakes a decision for you without your permission you called him out?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 00:02

If you are the poster I think, not trying for a baby is probably for the best. You still really need to get out.

ButIcantsitonleather · 31/03/2021 02:05

I just read your other threads. This relationship sounds awful OP Sad

georgarina · 31/03/2021 03:30

Controlling behaviour is really hard to put your finger on but you know when you're living it.

Constantly interrogating you on little decisions so you doubt the smallest things. Never letting small things go, it HAS to be their way, not yours, for whatever reason - so you feel like your judgment is inferior and you always have to look to them for confirmation.

These little things that sound like 'nothing' build up and build up. It's not good for you OP, and I think you need some counselling if you want to make it work.

PutItInNeutral · 31/03/2021 03:55

I usually cook, so if DH started something I hadn’t planned (I grocery shop and plan too) I may have stepped in and said something.

About a 2nd child.....Is this what was planned? Is he going against something that had already been decided. If so, I’d have a big problem.

Not sure about the litter picking. But mentioning it has reminded me that my family need to sign up and get involved, so thanks.

You’ve said you feel like this is a constant thing with him, being a control freak and anal about things. Is this typical?

ivfbeenbusy · 31/03/2021 05:26

There isn't enough information here to say either way

The dinner issue - well yes - he normally does the dinner - not sure why you wouldn't have checked first plus when you are in charge of meals every night you sort of have a meal plan in your head? If DH messed with that I'd be irrationally irritated 🤣

The trying for a second child issue - who is the main earner and responsible for the bulk of the financial cost of supporting the family? I see it on MN all the time about women complaining they want another baby but their partner saying no but when you drill into it the poster is oblivious/ignorant/ignoring the fact that the partner is the one who has to go out and work full time to pay for it?

The litter picking? Works both ways? Why should you get choice of the field?

Honestly these issues all sound pretty minor?

But I'm sure plenty of people will be along advising you to LTB

Jobsharenightmare · 31/03/2021 05:37

I think I remember your other posts and yes this is a controlling relationship. You are not treated equally and you came off the mortgage ready to leave if you needed to I think.

Aprilx · 31/03/2021 06:12

Doesn’t seem controlling to me. His role is preparing dinner and I expect he had a plan for the week, maybe the chicken needed to be used first or he had already paired meals up. I don’t understand the litter picking point either.

Saltyslug · 31/03/2021 06:41

My DH do similar and might cook something else but the context would be totally different (food dates or kids saying they can’t eat fish three nights in row). He would do it nicely and would be open to change.

What you’re describing is having no choice in multiple aspects. Is he controlling of his environment when you are not around also? Or is he just controlling with you?

If hes automatically controlling in every situation it might be that he’s on the autistic spectrum, in which case it might be worth him getting a diagnosis and then him getting professional help to develop strategies. You can then decide if any improvement is enough to keep you in the relationship.

If he’s just a controlling person and unwilling to change leave him so that you have control over your life.

Sceptre86 · 31/03/2021 06:42

I prepare 90% of the meals in our home, I enjoy it but it is one of many tasks that I do. If my dh came in and was cooking I might well tell him that I was planning on making something else. If he had already started we would have had a quick conversation about it and more than likely I would have left him to it. The issue I see is that your partner made a comment and you behaved immaturely by leaving the burgers and alphabites on the side and going to play with your dd. You could have said many things but didn't bother chatting to him about it. A lack of conversation even about the mundane isn't a sign of a positive relationship.

If you feel you can't disagree with him, from previous posts he doesn't have your back or value your opinions why on earth would you want another child with him?

I don't know if he is controlling, I don't live in your shoes but if you feel he is you need to work on improving your own self esteem, maybe ask to be referred to counselling, feeling more confident and self assured will help you voice your opinions. If you find no joy in this relationship you need to make plans to leave.

Saltyslug · 31/03/2021 06:43

Go for counselling too so that you can think things through

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2021 06:46

The dinner example is a bit odd, wouldn’t you just say it’s ok I’m making dinner tonight or something like that? Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship so you probably don’t want to bring another child into it anyway.

Saltyslug · 31/03/2021 06:47

Op what else is he controlling with. Often these things can seem small but actually if repeated in multiple aspects of life there is a real lack of autonomy

SnuggyBuggy · 31/03/2021 06:58

How do you guys communicate in general?

daretodenim · 31/03/2021 06:59

While people can't really say he's controlling or not (although I have a controlling DH and recognise this behaviour - the point is it's little things), how you feel is important.

So, forget him.

Do you feel good around him? Do you feel valued and equal? Do you feel confident and competent with him - and if you don't feel those things does he support you to feel them? If yes, it's probably ok. If no, then it's probably time to leave. And in that case do not have another child with him.

Dandelion3 · 31/03/2021 07:03

It doesn't sound like you're happy OP within the relationship - could you talk to him about how you feel ? Or do you not feel comfortable to do so ?
No advice other than perhaps it's not the right time for another baby if there's issues in your relationship adding another baby to the mix might not be the best idea Thanks

Tinydinosaur · 31/03/2021 07:15

The dinner thing. I don't think he was wrong. If he usually does dinner then he has a meal plan and anyone would be annoyed at the other person grabbing random things that then messes up later meals. But when he told you, instead of saying anything you just left raw meat on the side and walked off? So of course he put it back.

The baby thing. Well yeah, if he's not ready for a baby then you can't make him have a baby just because you want one.

You do sound like you're behaving like a child tbh. And I'd be quite stroppy if my dh did.

Spillanelle · 31/03/2021 07:25

I’d have probably done the same as him in the dinner situation, if he’s the one who usually cooks and has the meals planned out then it’s fair enough to want to stick to it.

It’s hard to say from your other examples whether he is being controlling or not, but you are the one living it. I don’t think you necessarily need to decide between him being controlling vs you being incapable (maybe it’s a bit of both and his need for control exacerbates your lack of assertiveness and vice versa), if you’re unhappy in your relationship then you need to either try to work through the issues with him, or leave.

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