To feel hurt and confused by friend?

[YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo]

I have been friends with this lady, we’ll call her Alexis, since we were 16. We were friends at college along with 2 other girls who i’ll call Paige and Chloe. For over 15 years we’ve maintained our relationships, through degrees, moves, marriages and babies.

I always liked Alexis - she was grounded, intelligent, fun and honest. She is also stunningly beautiful.

Alexis moved away from where we all live about 10 years ago, but we did our best to stay in touch, including a good few long drives on my part. However, in more recent years, I have been increasingly turned off by her acting like a diva. It started when she got engaged, so I just chalked it up to the usual temporary ‘bridezilla’ behaviour and turned a blind eye - plus, she has a new circle of friends who are also very fashionable and glamour-focused (but kinda shallow) so I thought perhaps she was a little influenced by that. It wasn’t something that hugely bothered me at first.

Until she invited us all to a hen do together. It was a ridiculously extravagant affair in an expensive part of Europe, and unfortunately, Paige and Chloe had recently had their first children and didn’t feel able to come from a childcare or cost perspective. I really couldn’t afford it, but Alexis was so furious that the other two had turned her down (it’s MY HEN, ffs!) that I didn’t really dare refuse.

Cut a long story short, I paid over £500 to be treated like sh*t on a shoe by her friends for a weekend (ignored me when i spoke to them, left me out of activities, they even cropped me out of photos - I had piled on weight due to a medical issue and I guess I wasn’t aesthetic enough). She witnessed this behaviour, but said nothing to her friends. Even when they eventually made me cry. But i never brought it up, because as the head bridesmaid kept saying, ‘it was her hen and I mustn’t do anything to ruin it.’

Fast forward 2 years on and communication has been a little sporadic since the wedding - she’s not on Facebook, I moved even further away, I was having a really difficult time in my personal, professional and general life and then the pandemic hit - you know, life happened. During this time, Chloe got pregnant with DC2, and announced it on Facebook. Alexis messaged me and was fuming about this - why hadn’t Chloe told her directly? Why should she have to find out via social media? She said she felt that Chloe had dropped her because she wasn’t a mother, and only wanted mummy friends, etc. I sympathised, but said I was trying not to take it personally, as our lives were going in different directions, and we maybe didn’t have as much in common as we did, but it is what it is and perhaps Chloe just had other priorities atm.

Fast forward a year. I met up with Paige recently (for the first time in 2 years also) and she said ‘ah, it’s so nice Alexis has had her baby’. Well. I was completely blindsided. I had no idea she was even pregnant.

I contacted her about it with something really quite generic, not at all having a go - just asking if congratulations were due? Well, boy do I regret it. She was angry - angry that I asked, angry that someone told me - the whole lot. She told me her decision to keep her pregnancy and birth private was her own and partly due to anxiety that something would go wrong with the pregnancy -ok, an unusual response past the first trimester maybe, but fair enough, I can understand anxiety making you do odd things.

I responded with a message along the lines of I was surprised, especially because I remembered how hurt she was by the way Chloe handled things, but she obviously she had her reasons, and i was genuinely happy for her.

She left me on read for 2 days before responding with a massive essay about how I don’t get to have an opinion on anything, my feelings don’t matter, how i’m a shit friend because I didn’t wish her happy birthday last year, I don’t make any effort in the friendship (!), she’s the one who’s had the baby and ‘i’m making it all about me’. I was absolutely shocked to the point of tears. I only wanted to share in the happy news and felt a little hurt and confused she’d told Chloe and Paige but not me and was hoping this wasn’t a sign she was mad at me, I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad at all.

I sent her a bunch of messages explaining and apologising profusely for not making as much time for her as I should - like I say, i’ve been dealing with some pretty dark stuff in my life and tbh, I haven’t had much time or opportunity to socialise with ANYONE. She has ignored them. Now I’m wondering if her accusations are even fair or whether she’s just trying to make me the bad guy for calling her out a little - especially because she’s certainly voiced very strong opinions on each of our friends’ pregnancies and choices!

AIBU for thinking it’s quite normal for friends to tell each other big news - and very human to feel a little hurt/disappointed if they don’t, even if it’s for a good reason? AIBU to think she’s being a bit hypocritical and unfair? I feel like at least I was open directly to her about it, rather than just slagging her off behind her back like she did to Chloe. BUT: I don’t have children and have fertility issues that probably mean i never will, so perhaps I just do not and could not understand.

The thing that hurts the most is she said she believed my congratulations to be fake. All I want is for her to be happy, even if she decides - as it now seems she has - that she no longer wants anything to do with me.

What should I do? Should I even do anything? I feel heartbroken to lose such a long friendship this way.

She sounds absolutely vile

Sadly op people can change, they don’t even realise it themselves sometimes. None of this is your fault, you sound very genuine to me, she on the other hand sounds anything but. Please do not try to analyse what you think you’ve done “wrong” because quite frankly it’s nothing. You have been given a “gift” to now recognise her true personality so if I were you I’d regain control and simply block all communication with her (I really do understand how difficult that is and I don’t say it lightly). She has, for whatever reason, become self absorbed, true friendship is nothing like you’ve described here (her fault not yours).

You just keep doing you as you sound great to me, sometimes we simply have to let go, I’ve been there and am better for it.

It’s over. Now she’s just somebody that you used to know.
Don’t use any more of your time and mental energy on her.

Thank you all for helping me to see it clearly. I have decided to take your advice and move on, and just making that decision feels like a weight off my shoulders, which i guess shows it was the right thing to do. Many of the commenters are right that I can be a real doormat sometimes, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it. Time to change that, I think :)

@RedToothBrush are you my therapist in disguise? Damn, you saw into my very soul with that one, you’re right though

[quote YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo]@RedToothBrush are you my therapist in disguise? Damn, you saw into my very soul with that one, you’re right though[/quote]
One of the worst things in life is bending over backwards for someone who doesn't give a toss about you, isn't nice when its written in black and white.

Sometimes it needs to be reframed in that way to see it in the cold light of day.

'Doormats' are usually really bloody nice people who have lost sight of other things. Your other two friends were treated badly, but you missed this, because you wanted the validation of 'the cool kid'.

Thats about a lack of self confidence and self respect. Its slightly blinkered and naive too.

Its a hard, hard shock when you see it and realise you have been done over from great height.

What you need to realise is its ok to not be liked by some people if they don't have your best interests at heart. Its ok to stand up for yourself and challenge others. Sometimes its ultimately the only thing to do for your own self preservation. Its ok to say no. Its ok to not be part of the gang and to be 'left out'.

I dunno. The older I get, the most I think that women in particular should be encouraged to learn that they don't have to always be part of the group and we shouldn't expect that off our friends either.

I think its particularly hard to move on from long term friendships when they have reached their natural conclusion, because thats kind of scary. It represents the very fact we aren't at school anymore. We don't have to fit in with playground expectations and social rules. Its represents how we have got older and our lives and responsibilities have fundamentally changed. Change is a hard thing to accept for many people.

I think friends in your 30s and 40s are very different to your teens. You haven't got the time or energy for the drama and bullshit. We should have different expectations and needs. Not all our friends from childhood will follow the same path and hit this point at the same time. Friendship endure better when you tend to hit those points at a similar time.

What is the point in sugar coating this? You are better than this. You are worth more than a shit load of abuse and apologising for doing nothing wrong. You can still be a nice, good person who people like without this one individual. You dont need her validation.

The irony of being a doormat, is that trying to be nice hasn't benefitted you. Learning to put yourself first and be nice to yourself sometimes instead of constantly beating yourself up is one of the most liberating things you can do. Thats not being a bad person or being selfish. Its realising you are important too and you won't be happy until you are happy until you are secure enough in realising that you don't need people who treat you like shit.

Take care.

@RedToothBrush

Absolutely agree.
Sometimes with old friends you realise all you share is history, no more.

You have moved on, you don't particularly enjoy their company.

In my case and old friend of mine married a really sarcastic prick.
He wasn't pleasant but we didn't socialise so it wasn't an issue.
What I found was over the years she changed too, she became sharp, sarcastic and bit pass remarkable.
She made a smart remark to me one day about one of my children and that was me done after telling how rude she was.

She tried to move on from it but I realised it was only history that we shared and I was done.
Never regretted it.
I have met her a couple times over the past 25 years and we have had a pleasant chat, no hard feelings.

IMO being a friend to a doormat person is tedious and irritating.

Having to listen to a doormats stories of being treated badly or watch them accept being treated like shit would not be a friendship that I would have any interest in.

It would be draining and stressful.

In the same way that I have zero interest in people who like drama in their lives, or angry people, people who let others walk all over them are to be avoided.

I'd be tempted to text her back saying "oh do fuck off you absolute nob"

I would swiftly cut Alexis from your life. Friendships are not meant to be like that!

Another person here to say, you deserve better than this. She has done you a favour by showing what an absolute bell end she is.

This is how I read your story:

Your old school friend grew up to be shallow and self absorbed. She treated you appallingly at her hen do and made you feel like you were inadequate, rather than she and her friends lacked basic good manners. She showed limited interest in your other two friends when they had kids but unable to accept she could ever do anything wrong, constructed a reality where they had sidelined her.
When she had her own baby, she realised these two school friends with kids already could be useful, so told them but not you. When challenged for not telling you, she again could not be at fault so lashed out at you. Even without knowing you have your own fertility issues, she is an absolute horror.

She is a self absorbed user. She is not worth your time. Send a blank polite message saying she knows where you are if she ever wants to apologise, and move on. You are owed a huge apology. HUGE.

Oh OP, I've been in similar (although maybe less extreme) situations with friendships, my view used to be that I didn't want to be the "bad guy" and end a friendship.

However in the last few years I have taken a long hard look at my friendships that make me feel like crap and got rid.

I'll be honest, I've done it slowly (start with hiding them on social media, stopping "polite" contact such as Christmas cards, then deleting their contact details) - mainly because I'm a wimp and wanted to make sure I wasn't making a mistake. But it is hard to accept that people don't care about you enough to treat you properly.

I don't have any regrets. I choose to see it as we've all moved on. I actually feel better for it as I'm not trying to second guess everything all the time.

You are worth so much more than the way you've been treated by this friend. Please help yourself by cutting her off - she's proved again and again how little she thinks of you.

I'd also go further and re-evaluate the whole friendship group - do the other two have views on how you've been treated?

I had a friend who, it seems, was very similar to Alexis.
I didn't go on her hen do because I was afraid of being treated how you described.
We were really close since around the age of 14 until 33. We no longer speak. I guess people change.
If you want the opinion not a stranger, I'd let the "friendship" die.

@RedToothBrush hit the nail on the head again. I think I was a bit surprised someone like her would want to be friends with me, I have always been a massive nerd and she’s like a model from a music video, so yeah, I probably did want her approval without even realising. I do have some work to do on myself...just not in the way Alexis prescribed!

@wishywashywoowoo70 haha, that did make me laugh! It’s tempting, I do want to say ‘get over yourself love, you’re not Beyonce’ but I guess it’s not very mature (though it would be pretty satisfying!)

@Tooshytoshine I think you’re also on to something there re: our other friends becoming useful. Urgh. I hate to look at it so cynically but I just get a sinking feeling a lot of the stuff on here is right and I just didn’t see it before.

Never be afraid of doing work OP.

The truth is that most women when they hit their 40's and 50's see themselves, their strengths, struggles and weaknesses really clearly and with a confidence that may have alluded them in earlier decades.

It's liberating.
It can be challenging for those around you, if you are no longer prepared to be a people pleaser.
You inevitably will shake off a few people, but real friends will support your growth as they do their own.

It's IMO one of the greatest gifts of growing older.
I call it the 'Fxxk off factor'.

You just fxxk off those things and people in your life that don't bring you joy.😁

So cathartic.

In my experience all of my wonderful friends have experienced it in varying degrees.

It is so normal.
The idea that we would remain the same people in our teens as our 50's is absurd.

When you know better you do better.

, I do want to say ‘get over yourself love, you’re not Beyonce’ but I guess it’s not very mature (though it would be pretty satisfying!) please, please say this!

When my kids were in primary school, my advice was always "hang out with people who treat you well and make you feel good about yourself"

It's sad when a friendship ends, but it happens from time to time. Time to move on