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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for more share in house equity in divorce due to kids

28 replies

Fingerssss5566 · 30/03/2021 13:09

Me and DH are splitting up

We have two young DC 6&2

I've offered to buy him out and asked him a rough guide of what he would want in order to do this

He said minimum 50% because of the building works he paid for (50k)

I said it should be less as I will be primary carer for the children in said home, and I don't want his cash or pension or anything else in settlement , I also said my earning potential was greatly reduced when having children, or else I could've contributed to these building works.

AIBU to ask him to take less than 50% ?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 30/03/2021 13:11

You need legal advice and representation. Don't try to do this by yourself.

Original poster
Fingerssss5566 · 30/03/2021 13:13

Yes I'm definitely going to get legal advice, I wouldn't even know where to start, this was just me thinking about it

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/03/2021 13:14

You need proper legal advice.

Was the 50k earned during the marriage or before?

Original poster
Fingerssss5566 · 30/03/2021 13:16

@Sirzy

You need proper legal advice.

Was the 50k earned during the marriage or before?

I'd say a bit of both really We were together 14 years Married 4 years It's cash he accumulated from a well paid job While I only work part time NHS so not much !
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 30/03/2021 13:45

If he earned it while you were married, and you were part time because of young children, he shouldn't be considering it his alone.

This, plus the fact he wants more than half while you are resident parent and lower earner with the kids, gives me a fair idea of why you're splitting up and what kind of person he is. Do not engage, get the lawyers to deal with it.

And don't try to be "nice" by taking less than your fair entitlement. He will not be "nice" and there will be no reward for it. Not even the satisfaction of thinking you're a good person. It's completely morally fine to insist on your fair share of assets that you helped to build; if anything, letting him get away with devaluing your contribution and the importance of the children is the less ethical path, in my opinion.

NeedATan · 30/03/2021 13:54

Would you hand back the 'extra' equity once the kids have left home?

GreenWillow · 30/03/2021 14:04

@DrSbaitso

If he earned it while you were married, and you were part time because of young children, he shouldn't be considering it his alone.

This, plus the fact he wants more than half while you are resident parent and lower earner with the kids, gives me a fair idea of why you're splitting up and what kind of person he is. Do not engage, get the lawyers to deal with it.

And don't try to be "nice" by taking less than your fair entitlement. He will not be "nice" and there will be no reward for it. Not even the satisfaction of thinking you're a good person. It's completely morally fine to insist on your fair share of assets that you helped to build; if anything, letting him get away with devaluing your contribution and the importance of the children is the less ethical path, in my opinion.

This.

Honestly, why are so many men like this? Had you not been working PT and raising his DC, he would never have had the opportunity to have such a well paid job. How can he not understand this?

Fortunately, the legal system does fully appreciate this point.

womaninatightspot · 30/03/2021 14:10

I think your solicitor needs to consider his cash plus pension and whatever else, doesn't pay to be nice.

Mapletreelane · 30/03/2021 14:13

OP - you should definitely be looking at his pension and savings. if you went part time to look after the kids, you will be missing out on part of your pension and savings. You should not be left worse off because you have made sacrifices. But a good family law solicitor will guide you. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Naunet · 30/03/2021 14:39

So he’s keen to get “his half” of the money back, but doesn’t want to do his half of parenting his kids?! Why is he not fighting you for 50/50 custody if he’s so keen to be “fair”? These men are so predictable.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2021 14:40

If you go through the courts, the look at the housing needs of the parties, not who earned and paid what.

nicelyneurotic · 30/03/2021 15:54

Get legal advice. The primary carer is sometimes awarded 80 or 90% of equity in property in addition to a share of pensions/other assets. Lots of factors are involved - your earning potential, minimising disruption to the children. Dont engage with him about this without legal representation.

nicelyneurotic · 30/03/2021 15:57

And dont make statements like you dont want his cash, pensions etc.

This isnt about being kind or fair. It's about getting the best settlement possible for you. You do not owe this ex H anything. Put yourself first.

StarCourt · 30/03/2021 16:06

Is he going for 50/50 custody?

RandomLondoner · 30/03/2021 16:21

Honestly, why are so many men like this? Had you not been working PT and raising his DC, he would never have had the opportunity to have such a well paid job. How can he not understand this?

I expect he thinks he would have done the well-paid job regardless, what she enabled was the having of children. I think it's mainly women who assume it's a given that the children will he had, and jobs, well-paid or otherwise, are something you fit in if they don't get in the way of having children.

Actually it might be false the she enabled either job or children. A reasonable definition of a well-paid job is that you can afford to pay for child-care, so once the children were born, if say she'd left or died, he might have been able to have both, without any further contribution from her. Her contribution might have been what was saved in paid-for childcare.

Original poster
Fingerssss5566 · 30/03/2021 16:44

We haven't discussed custody, but I think it's kind of a given that I'd be primary carer, he wouldn't be able to offer 50% custody due to his shift pattern.

OP posts:
GreenWillow · 31/03/2021 14:44

@RandomLondoner

Honestly, why are so many men like this? Had you not been working PT and raising his DC, he would never have had the opportunity to have such a well paid job. How can he not understand this?

I expect he thinks he would have done the well-paid job regardless, what she enabled was the having of children. I think it's mainly women who assume it's a given that the children will he had, and jobs, well-paid or otherwise, are something you fit in if they don't get in the way of having children.

Actually it might be false the she enabled either job or children. A reasonable definition of a well-paid job is that you can afford to pay for child-care, so once the children were born, if say she'd left or died, he might have been able to have both, without any further contribution from her. Her contribution might have been what was saved in paid-for childcare.

I can see where you’re coming from, but I think the OP has actually provided exactly what most professional men really want - namely for the DH to be a father (with all the Halo Effect benefits that would have brought with it to his professional reputation) yet not to have to do any of the grunt work.

You have hit the nail on the head with your last comment though, without OP providing this support free of charge, the DH would have had to pay for it. This means that the ‘extra’ equity would need to be reduced by the same amount that the OP (or A.N. Other) would have been paid to do the domestic role.

Theredjellybean · 31/03/2021 14:49

Op... You sound way to nice... "offer custody"... Nope
.. Its something nice he offers to you... I bet he thinks he is babysitting if he is looking after the kids.
Custody is his time being a parent, his children need that.
He doesn't offer it on a good will basis.
He needs to parent his children.. Make that clear from the start

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2021 15:08

'He' didn't pay for the building works. Family money did. It's both of yours and you were contributing in different ways. That's how the law sees it.

Get legal advice.

Snog · 31/03/2021 15:11

My friends who have divorced both got 60/40 settlements. Both work part time and have the kids almost full time.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/03/2021 15:16

Get advice from specialist solicitor. Don’t ignore his pension - they can be more valuable than your house.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2021 15:19

Really look at what you’re entitled to here including savings and pensions - you get no gold stars for being nice while he’s off doing his own thing leaving you to care for the kids as he wriggles out of paying appropriate maintenance.

Have a lawyer look at your joint assess (ie everything in the marriage), and assess your entitlement. He may wish he’d just given you the house.

LittleOwl153 · 31/03/2021 18:59

So the starting point is 50% of ALL assets of the couple. This includes property, pensions, savings etc.

You imply he is a decent earner. With a 6yr old I'm going to guess he's around 35. It would not be unreasonable to assume there is potentially a £250k plus pension pot sitting there. Do not discount that at this point. Also the possibility of a good savings account.

From there you can seek to have certain things excluded- for example a recent inheritance which has not been put to family use - but this will only happen if there is enough in the kitty to provide for the children.

You then ask for a reasonable share of the total assets. Starting point t is 50:50 but as pp have said 60:40 to the lower earning resident parent is not unusual. And that is of the whole pot not just the house. So if he wants to keep his pension he will need to give on the house essentially.

A judgement on your financial split will seek to give the children a secure home - preferably with both parents assuming he wants close to 50% access, but definitely with 1 parent. And will do this at the expense of pensions etc.

It is vaguely possible your marriage could be considered a short one so pre marriage assets are preserved but given your child is older than the marriage I would think that unlikely.

You have alot of cards here. Don't give them away!

Alsohuman · 31/03/2021 19:04

Had you not been working PT and raising his DC, he would never have had the opportunity to have such a well paid job. How can he not understand this?

Because it’s usually nonsense.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/03/2021 19:10

@Alsohuman

Had you not been working PT and raising his DC, he would never have had the opportunity to have such a well paid job. How can he not understand this?

Because it’s usually nonsense.

I agree. I’ve not yet met someone who needed to have another adult not work or just do part time because they couldn’t do their job without it. It’s usually because the person themselves wants to work less or not at all.

After such a short marriage where he has put in most of the money 50/50 is a fair split.