Not sure I can cope much longer

That sounds incredibly tough. 💐

The only practical advice I can think of is to perhaps get him a laptop/computer? Based on the things you said he likes to do, a laptop might give him some independence back in terms of his entertainment.

How long ago did he have the surgery ? You say he can't do much at all and describe limited mobility, can I ask what he can do ? For instance can he get up and go to the toilet without help ?
My DH has health issues too, I do seem to have taken on a lot of the health admin, so organising prescriptions and collecting them, making sure to remind him to get bloods done, finding out when and where he can get them done, taking on all the other house stuff/family admin. I do love him and worry about his health, but I also feel very resentful that everything is falling on my shoulders, especially when he only ever seems to notice things I haven't done ! Knob

That is so tough. As the better weather comes things may look brighter. Do you have a garden? Maybe he would enjoy getting outside. How old are teens? Could you get them involved; you say he should recover fully so it’s not as if you are signing them up for a long time. Could they learn to play chess? Make his drinks? Try to do something for yourself; easy to say, I know!

Are there any local Facebook groups? Might be worth seeing if you can borrow/buy an old laptop and/or a mobility scooter? You can also hire scooters for weeks at a time and at some places for the day where lots of walking is required. When he’s up to it, this might be a good way of getting out.

I have had more major surgeries than I would like in the last few years, can I be really straight with you op?

This is his journey, beyond kindness, food and drinks there is nothing you can do. Feeling down and depressed is part and parcel of the recovery/situation. It is incredibly difficult for him, and for you.

My dh had to shoulder much of my care, and look after our young children and try to work. The toll on both of us was immense.

One of you needs to stay in a good place, and thats need to be you.

Rather than looking at what more you can do for him, I think you should start looking at what more you can do for yourself. Self preservation is the key to managing this. He is going to be miserable whatever as it is awful being in pain and struggling.

Start taking breaks, seeing friends and make a rest a priority for you.
It will improve as time passes, but in the meantime you can't sink with him - he will feel immensely better once he is over the worst op. Just trust that time will help him, and lots of rests from him will help you.

it is miserable - but it will get easier hopefully all being well.

Practical things that can help:

A mini fridge within reaching distance so he can get drinks himself, if you put lunch and snacks in there too in the morning, that is food covered for the day.

A charged phone by his bed, and ask family and friends to give him a call as often as possible. Share the mental load.

There are shower wipes, dry shampoo and little shower caps that 'wash hair' look on the mobility aids website for short cuts to keep hair clean when incapacitated.

Download lots of box sets at the weekend to keep him occupied.

Urinal bottle is a good option so cutting down on the visits to the loo

Visitors if he is well enough, can come to the garden and talk through the window?

In bed exercise if that is all he can do, four times a day at least, out of bed if he can manage. A timetable of his day would help him feel better.

Little treats, magazines, favourite snacks will help lift his mood

Planning a treat at the end, in great detail helped us to focus on the positive.

Get your teens involved, by asking them to sit with him as well.

Do his health problems only affect his mobility? If so, I’d be frank with him and tell him you can’t shoulder all the burden any more and you need him to start helping out, within his physical limits. It really will help his recovery and stop him feeling so useless, as well as helping you get through this.

Anything which can be done sitting down could become his job - even if at first you need to organise it for him. So if he needs to make appointments or order prescriptions - hand him the phone, a pen and and a diary, and let him crack on. He can set a series of alarms on his phone to remind him to take various medications.

He can prep veg for dinner from a chair. He can use his skills to plan a week’s meals and write the shopping list. He can pair up socks out of the tumble drier. I’m sure you can think of other things which would be useful and allow him to contribute to the running of the family.

You are clearly a caring and loving person op, and you want to take all of the misery and pain away from him, but you can't. This is his cross to bear I am afraid. We can only go so far to help.

If you remain well and happy, and healthy this will benefit him as well.
It won't help if both of you become ill and depressed. When you are in the eye of the storm of major surgery it is easy to forget that you have needs as well, that the carer needs to be cared for. It becomes all about the patient being comfortable, meds etc

He won't have the capacity to look after your needs at the moment, or to notice how tired you are getting. Not because he doesn't care, but because he may struggle to get past the pain he is in, and battling his way through it.

Every day make time for you. Make time to rest, eat well, talk to a friend and enjoy the fresh air. Laugh and feel connected to the world, and then you will be in a much better place to help him along too.

Feeling depleted and exhausted is really hard, look after you.

Of course pm!

You poor woman.
What a load.

The teens being useless and selfish is not on.
I just would not put up with it.

You need to sit them down and give them each set days as to who is specifically on Dad duty.
No pissing about and forgetting.
You need to spell it out to them that you are struggling.

Carrying the whole load will make you ill.

I think a laptop could be a game changer for your husband.
Doesn't have to be a flash model.

Can you borrow one?
Buy a second hand one?
Buy one and pay for it over the next year?

Ask around your circle.of family and friends.

Give the teens jobs.
Have a big ugly cry if it drives the message home.

Contact your friends for support and a chat.

Are low dose anti d's out of the question for your husband?
Could you speak to your GP about it.

You are carrying an enormous load.
If you fall down the family will.
Teens can be told their help is required and they have to step up.
You are doing them no favours not telling them that you are struggling.

I hope you help yourself.
You sound like a wonderful woman.

Are low dose anti d's out of the question for your husband?
Could you speak to your GP about it

I second this advice - a low dose really can work wonders.

I have 3 teens so I know what they tend to be like.

Tell DH to ask them for drinks, snacks and to make lunch for both of you. Get him to set up a rota!

As soon as is humanly possible he needs to get out of bed and downstairs to be a part of the family. As someone who has had a lot of surgery it can be done in most situations.

Concentration can be really tough but ask him, as suggested above, to do meal plans and shopping lists. Maybe do the online shop from his phone?

And 100% take time for yourself. You do not have to be there physically looking after him 24/7. There are many ways he can learn and adapt to being more independent.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Have you got a family WhatsApp set up for your house? Then he can message his requests and you can delegate