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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For 2nd child to have my name?

37 replies

shampoobar · 29/03/2021 16:54

Backstory is me and my ex partner have a 2 year old, our DD has his surname.
In October after a long talk we decided to give a relationship a go after becoming closer during lockdown (he moved in with us so that he could see our daughter without breaking rules as he lives in another country)
I'm on the implant but fell pregnant and as soon as i found out he left the next morning and I havent heard a word from him since November, his family say he wants nothing to do with us anymore and he's engaged to another woman. It seems very serious between them so I'm not sure that he will contact me again
Now I'm due in a few months and thinking about surnames, would it be strange to give my 2nd child my name although he shares the same father as his sister? Should i give my 2nd child his fathers name although he doesnt want anything to do with the child? Feel really stuck as I don't know what to do for the best.

YABU - His surname

YANBU - My surname

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 29/03/2021 16:56

And change your dd1 name to yours while you are at it.

VettiyaIruken · 29/03/2021 16:56

Are you in England? If so I don't think you can give his surname unless he's there because you aren't married.

Not that you should anyway imo.

Tinydinosaur · 29/03/2021 16:56

Definitely your name. I'd change your 1st child's name too if I was you. Not sure if you need him to sign, my mum changed mine after my dad abandoned us.

Exhausted4ever · 29/03/2021 16:56

I'd give my surname and change your first borns to yours too

JackieTheFart · 29/03/2021 16:58

Why on earth would you even consider giving this child his surname?

Give the baby yours and change the other child’s as well.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 29/03/2021 16:58

Yup, get them both changed to have your last name.

VettiyaIruken · 29/03/2021 16:59

And don't try to get a message to him about it. He doesn't get to make demands!

Lockdownbear · 29/03/2021 17:00

I'd give baby your name and change your DDs too, especially since she is so young and still pre-school.

SatsumasOrClementines · 29/03/2021 17:02

This is the easiest answer in the world, why are you stuck? Give them both your surname.

MimiSunshine · 29/03/2021 17:04

He’s engaged to another woman that quickly?

I’d give the baby your surname for sure, he may well not agree to you officially changing your DDs name but you could add yours on to the end unofficially and update nursery / school / GP records etc as ‘known as Hisname Yourname’

DrSbaitso · 29/03/2021 17:07

Agree with others, give your name to both of them. At 2, it's not going to confuse your eldest.

Appletreehat · 29/03/2021 17:17

Change both their names to yours.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 29/03/2021 17:19

Why is this even a question for you?

TheWitchersWife · 29/03/2021 17:21

Agree with all above.
Your surname, and see what you need to do to change DDs.

Mylovelyhorsee · 29/03/2021 17:22

What a prince. Change your dd1 name too.

SummerHouse · 29/03/2021 17:24

I voted for father's name but only because I think personally I would want them to have the same name. However logic escaped me as it hasn't for other posters that you should give your name and change eldest's name.

Original poster
shampoobar · 29/03/2021 18:40

Is it possible i can change my eldest surname without his permission?

OP posts:
Hhusky · 29/03/2021 18:55

@shampoobar I have a family member who has gone through something similar and if you're in the UK, you can change the DC1's name but potentially need DH's permission. However if he doesn't consent then you can have DC 'commonly known as' your name. That was the situation then anyway from a years ago. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Hhusky · 29/03/2021 18:56

Sorry I typed DH but should have said DC's father. Apologies!

SeptemberAlexandra · 29/03/2021 18:58

If he has parental responsibility for your child he will need to give consent to change their name.

Aprilx · 29/03/2021 19:03

@VettiyaIruken

Are you in England? If so I don't think you can give his surname unless he's there because you aren't married.

Not that you should anyway imo.

OP cannot put him on the birth certificate if he is not there as they are not married, but she could use his surname is he wanted to (which I hide she doesn’t).
Aprilx · 29/03/2021 19:04

*she

skeggycaggy · 29/03/2021 19:07

@VettiyaIruken

Are you in England? If so I don't think you can give his surname unless he's there because you aren't married.

Not that you should anyway imo.

You can give any surname you like, actually!
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/03/2021 19:32

When I split up with DDs dad I changed her name to 'known as' my surname at school. She only uses her registered name on official documents (passport) or when she goes to Dr/Dentist. She can choose what she wants to do legally when she's older.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/03/2021 19:33

It's so much better - we have the same name Smile There was no way I was going to be called Mrs ExSurname all through primary school!