To think I'm never going to find a relationship ...

[Howaboutit88]

Can't do the apps - just can't bear them. Hopeless romantic who wants to meet someone special after a long but mostly mis-matched marriage. How do people really meet if not online these days....?

Approaching 40 with two DC aged 12 & 9.... help me feel more positive and like this isn't it for me 😞 any happy stories very welcome!

This has now turned into my favourite totally bonkers thread. Although to be slightly fair to @KatherineofOregon, I have a feeling there is a bit of a cultural misunderstanding happening. i'm not sure though.

I met DH2 through a social media group, as we had a shared interest. Wasn't even looking for anyone! We were both late 50s

When lockdown is fully lifted I'm anticipating that everybody will be OUT!

I'm single and I'm planning to go out every weekend, talk to loads of people and have fun! I'm hoping that this summer should be interesting & memorable. I'm confident that I'll meet a man.

@NurseButtercup

When lockdown is fully lifted I'm anticipating that everybody will be OUT!

I'm single and I'm planning to go out every weekend, talk to loads of people and have fun! I'm hoping that this summer should be interesting & memorable. I'm confident that I'll meet a man.

That's a nice thought, boy we need a bit of fun don't we? ☺️

So I have downloaded some apps.... already feeling depressed by them slightly but trying to remain calm and play the long game... I guess I never know who I might swipe across one day.... positive thinking..... still plan to get out in the summer and try to put myself in a position where I can meet new people in real life. But being down on apps isn't necessarily helping my situation so thanks for all the advice and experiences people have shared!

@howaboutit88 one more word of advice (whihc might really put you off now!): be careful about giving your number out too quickly, I have in the past believed people when they said it was "easier over Whatsapp"... it was easier for them to send me something I didn't want, yes! But usually you can tell easily if they're that kind of man.

I think sometimes people expect too much from the apps which is why they find them so depressing to use. I think you have to remember that the app isn’t going to find you a partner or present you with a pre-vetted selection of men who will be right for you, it’s just an easy way of connecting you with a number of available men out there, some of whom might be right for you but most of whom won’t. In the same way that you wouldn’t expect to walk into Tesco and fancy every man you saw in there, you will also not fancy most of the men you swipe past on the apps, but that is totally fine and normal! You’re just being presented with ALL the men in one concentrated chunk and most of them will be people you would never come across or give a second glance to in real life, which I think is why it can feel so grim and depressing. But you have to remember you’re not looking to fancy everyone on there, you only need one.

If/when you do meet someone online you also have to remember that all the app has done is facilitate that connection and you still need to keep your wits about you, get to know the person and make your own judgments about them just as you would if you met them in real life.

I speak as someone who met my now-husband online and I can well remember the sinking feeling as I swiped through the apps, and scrolled through endless ‘hey beautiful howz u lol?’ messages, but then a message from a lovely-sounding guy popped up and, well, the rest is history! So please remember that you never know who might be on there and you just have to learn to breeze past the ones you aren’t interested in instead of letting them get you down.

katerine I think people are suggesting the apps because the OPs experience of them hasn't matched their own and want to suggest she gives them another chance with perhaps a slightly different expectation.
As for my relationship, the fact that we are not on some automatic path to cohabiting / wedding / more kids does not in any way invalidate it and it suits us very well. I don't have NO spare cash, we do eat out, treat each other, do weekends away and holidays but we each have plenty of time also to focus on kids (me) and hobbies (him). There are plenty of threads on Relationships from people in the apparently superior 'traditional' set up who are seething with resentment over time spent cycling or whatever or issues with step parenting and blended families. I don't think it's unhelpful to mention to the OP that you can reset your expectations in line with circumstances. Not lower them, just adapt.

Oh and we did get to know each other over time, with shared experiences. We met for coffee, then a beer, then a cinema date, then a walk, or whatever. I can't remember now, but 5 years in its working pretty well and most of my more traditionally coupled up friends are quite envious of our set up.

I did a bit of OLD after I split with my exH. I liked the attention, and met up with a few of the less obviously bonkers ones, and had a lot of fun. I met some nice men, and some I'm still friendly with. A couple of them had the potential to become a real relationship, but then i met someone through work, and fell into a rather nice situation with him.

When that ended, I was on my own for a bit, and then another work friend set me up with yet another man from work (same company but different location).

We've been together 2.5 years now, and its getting better all the time. All ways of meeting people have their pros and cons - OLD is a gift if you don't have lots of friends to go out with, or if you work in a very single-sex environment (primary school comes to mind 😊).

@KatherineofOregon I met my husband 14 years ago online. We didn’t just jump into bed desperate for sex. We had quite a few different dates to get to know each other before sleeping together.

OP are there any meet up grounds in your area. A cool radio of mine gies hillwalking with meet up groups specifically fit that hobby. It’s a mix of different ages and men and women and they have nights out with other groups (he’s happily married but his wife doesn’t share his hillwalking passion). He meets lots of new people and friends and widens his social circle.

"@BashfulClam @KatherineofOregon I met my husband 14 years ago online. We didn’t just jump into bed desperate for sex. We had quite a few different dates to get to know each other before sleeping together".

Great , good luck to you.

I met Mr Noodle at the train station at 9am after I missed my train and was late for work. He'd been at his friend's house for the evening and was on his way home, and it was his birthday. He asked me for my number and I was so impressed by his confidence that I actually put in the right one.

Meeting people in 'real life' does happen all the time if you are open to it.

@HugeAckmansWife We met for coffee, then a beer, then a cinema date, then a walk, or whatever. I can't remember now"

You cannot remember? Those shared exciting experiences long gone in the memory eh?

"but 5 years in its working pretty well and most of my more traditionally coupled up friends are quite envious of our set up"

Yes, i suspect they want to be effectively single like you.

Never say never.
I have used dating apps previously in short bursts but soon gown tired of them. So what l tend to do now is just make a little more effort when I' m out and about, walking dog, at work, out with friends etc. I am working on practicing my listening skills at same time. I work in a busy store so always p!enty of people to speak to , surprisingl what you can learn and it helps pass the time if nothing else.

@HugeAckmansWife i bet neither you or your DP have been back on line dating in the 5 yrs you have been together?

Online dating may have changed greatly in the 5 yrs you and yr DP have been away.