To think I'm never going to find a relationship ...

[Howaboutit88]

Can't do the apps - just can't bear them. Hopeless romantic who wants to meet someone special after a long but mostly mis-matched marriage. How do people really meet if not online these days....?

Approaching 40 with two DC aged 12 & 9.... help me feel more positive and like this isn't it for me 😞 any happy stories very welcome!

I met my DH through a nationwide group that organises meet up type events that you can join.

Basically you pay an annual membership fee then pay to join any events that take your fancy. The groups do anything from learning to make chocolates through to abseiling. Quiz nights, theatre and restaurant trips. They have holidays and weekends away too - ski-ing, walking, Centreparcs type holidays if you just want to have a bit of fun. Wine bar and pub meet ups. One of my friends learned to drive a tank for a day! And there's usually a summer and Christmas party.

The organisation, called SPICE UK, was set up about 40 years ago by a man who wanted to try out different things - like abseiling - but didn't want to commit to a club. He was told if you can get 10 people together we'll let you have a go as a group but he'd just moved to his area so didn't know anyone. So he advertised. Realised there was a niche market for people who just wanted to meet like minded people and make friends, often like him - new in town. Now it's franchised all over the UK.

It's not a dating club - I was still a member for a couple of years when I was first married as I just enjoyed the events. Some people join to meet new friends, others to possibly find a partner, some just to get out at the weekends or evening. So there's an unwritten rule of a signal to back off means exactly that - people do get banned if they push too hard for a date or phone number for example.

Having said that I know of 7 couples who met through them. Just because, if you enjoy walking days out (for example) and constantly bump into someone on those trips you'll probably have a lot in common.

I made a lot of very good friends through SPICE - two of which are our DS's Godparents.

They're still organising Covid restricted events and have a website if you google SPICEUK.

Yes - you are right.... it does feel a bit like I have to do it or accept that I'm probably going to remain alone. I'm literally that stubborn though 😂 I probably would choose it over OLD! But thank you for the honesty.... helps to hear it from someone else.

If it helps I hated OLD too, and kept having to take breaks from it after going on some truly dreadful dates with some very weird men.

I was on a long break from OLD around Valentine's Day 2014 and seeing all the heart balloons in the shops reminded me that I would have to give it another go if I wanted to meet someone. The next person I met on OLD was lovely and now he's my DH

Truth be told all the men on the paid sites are also on the free ones. I agree you have to put the work in, personally I have not got the energy and the raw material is just not out there. Good luck.

@crimsonlake

Truth be told all the men on the paid sites are also on the free ones. I agree you have to put the work in, personally I have not got the energy and the raw material is just not out there. Good luck.

Aww bless you- you sound like a kindred spirit! I feel you.

We met on Tinder just over five years ago. We’re now married with a 7 month old baby. My experience of online dating was really positive - first person, we had three dates but clearly wasn’t going anywhere romantically, nice person though. Second person, just one date, really nice but lived a bit too far from me to make it practical, which was a shame. Third person, we got married.

My two cent's worth: last year I went on a date with a man I had actually met briefly at a bar, and it was absolutely terrible and he was mental and kept messaging me and saying did I want to come on holiday to Antigua (?!). Last year I also went on a man I had talked to for a week or two on Hinge, he was great, attractive, chose a perfect place for dinner, great conversation, we met a few more times (he was too young, but it was definitely fun). A different online date, I had a great evening drinking cocktails in the sunshine and talking about politics and Germany - he was also great.
Think about it like this: the real cocky twats who think they know you after five minutes are the ones hanging out at the bar waiting to ask you or the next lady out. The nice ones who actually want someone compatible and want to put the time in are online.
That's not to say it's all perfet, of course there are some weirdos, but they're pretty easy to spot online and you just block them or dont' reply.

"@costco Think about it like this: the real cocky twats who think they know you after five minutes are the ones hanging out at the bar waiting to ask you or the next lady out. The nice ones who actually want someone compatible and want to put the time in are online".

What rubbish. The nice ones are the ones you get to know over a long period of time and in real life.

You have met people " briefly" at a bar and then someone "younger" online on Hinge. Then another "online" date where you drank cocktails and talked Germany. Are you married to him now? Has online dating found you a long term life partner?

@KatherineofOregon thanks for calling my experiences and the things I enjoy "rubbish". I was also trying to encourage the OP to get out there and go on some dates, as even if in my case they were not long lasting relationships, it was worth the effort.
No, for now it has not found me a long term life partner, yet. I have no idea why you felt the need to pour scorn and total derision on my attempts.

You've given me a kick up the bum and I've downloaded a few apps. Worth it to see - like a few have said I've got to at least put myself out there if I want to meet someone.... 🤞

Get into sailing.
It's nearly all men for some reason and it generally attracts down to Earth, practical types who are very friendly and social.

I met my partner of 10 years (and father to my ds) on one of the less rated dating sites! I did admittedly meet a few weirdos during the dating process before meeting my match. Its important to note that I too had 2 children when we met.

@costco think about like this. What you allow is what will happen.

If you go to bars and do
not exert discretion and then go on line and do not exert similar discretion, you will end up with chancers,married men ( in the case of my friends, both in bars and online) or younger men looking for older women, for sex, that they will never marry.

A number of my friends have had sex ( and children) with married men they met online, because they were lonely and had no self esteem. All the men they met, lied to them and , had tied marks around their wedding ring fingers. My friends saw this and still slept with them regardless , they themselves wanted sex. My friends just wanted sex as their marriages had broken down and they had revenge sex/ needed to feel desired.

I will not personally swim in this swamp. You can meet and get to know people in real world. It takes more effort and more time than 2 weeks on line and a night in a club meeting ,to share your mobile.

Online dating is a cheats, lazy , shortcut way to meeting people. I would rather get out there and live my life, join clubs , experience things and meet someone that way, spending a long time getting to know someone , rather than engage with someone on line , behind a screen after 2 weeks or in a random bar.

You have not had a successful relationship from any of the experiences you have described.

This is about supporting OP in her desire to refrain from OLD. This is about supporting OP in her self assuredness and forming a relationship outside of OLD.

"as even if in my case they were not long lasting relationships, it was worth the effort.

It was not worth the effort as you have not secured a long lasting loving relationship from your any of your approaches.

@KatherineofOregon Thank you for clearing that up, i.e. your point of view. I didn't really want to put my entire relationship history out there to be honest. I also don't think that just because you don't like the idea of online dating, no one else should try it.
My ideal way of getting to know someone would be meeting them either online or in real life, it doesn' tactually matter that much, and then spending time doing things I enjoy (which are hiking, trail running, skiing, art galleries, cinema, photography and theatre).
I have no interst in married or emotionally unavailable men. I do not need sex with men just to feel good, I will not have sex with someone just because they fancy me, and certainly not revenge sex, that sounds kinda gross.
I want someone I find attractive with whom I have things in common who wants to know who I am and doesn' tmake assumptions about me. It's possible I might find that person online, equally it's possible I might not.
Basically I think you have the wrong view of online dating. You think I have the wrong view. Never mind, I still appreciate your response, which made your thinking clearer and was a lot less dismissive of me. So thank you.

The thing with hobbies is that I actually enjoy my hobbies and wouldn't if I dated someone from the hobby and it went tits up. My hobbies are male dominated but I would be mortified if a relationship with one of the men there ended on bad terms and then we were stuck together in the same hobby 😱 or I would have to quit

@costco , ok. Good luck with your on line dating and bar guys with whom you have spent many months getting to know. I hope you find a life partner from your extensive screening.

I'm in my late 20s and all my relationships have been with people I've met at the gym or while volunteering.

@KatherineofOregon

Fine for you to not want to use OLD but you're rubbishing the whole system just because you have heard some bad stories.

I met my husband on Tinder and we have been very happy for 6 years and have a 1 year old and another on the way. I have friends who have met their partners on OLD. We're all doctors so it's not just a bunch of wasters or 'lazy' people with nothing better to do.

You can say you don't fancy it personally and that's fine, but to say it's for cheats and lazy people to get a shag is just nasty

Yes clearly it works for a lot of couples, obviously there will be bad experiences just as you can have in real world meeting....

@LAgeDeRaisin what site did you and your for friends use? Personal recommendations and success stories, such as yrs and yr friends, , will be helpful to others considering on line dating.

@LAgeDeRaisin sorry, just saw you used Tinder.

In the same boat! I'm 36 my boys are 11 and 7 and my experience so far is grim! I really think I need that instant spark. Some of the chat I've had has been disgusting. I feel a bit out of practice too. The world is a different place just now and we can't just go out with the girls. I've decided to join a new gym this time. I certainly don't hold our much hope but you never know!

Muddy matches is very popular in rural areas

Katherineoforegon what a nasty thing to sa, that online dating is a cheats, lazy way of meeting people'. Like the OP and many others, I'm a working single mum.. Don't really get much time or have spare cash for hobbies. As a young single person, at Uni or out and about there are far more opportunities. As a 40 something with kids, it's simply not statistically as likely. I had a lovely time OLD, some fun one-offs, a couple of short relationships that ended due to distance, not anything unpleasant and met my long term partner who I very happily 'live alone together' with. The blended family thing is not for me but this works great.
I'm sorry if you feel I somehow cheated and don't deserve this. Perhaps I should dump him and be alone until, in some magical chick lit way a handsome widower / divorcee (not his fault obvs), moves in next door and we have a series of hilarious chance encounters, a couple of false starts and then a blissful realisation of mutual second time round soulmate. Bollocks. OP I used Match. It was an entertaining way to spend an evening when at home alone in the evening. Develop a thick ish skin. Be prepared to say thanks but no thanks and tread lightly at first. There's plenty of good decent men, its just a bit more complex with kids and exes and established homes / careers etc.

"@Huge Like the OP and many others, I'm a working single mum.. Don't really get much time or have spare cash for hobbies".

I understand that I am also a single working mum. But, the impression i get is that the OP is looking for a more traditional style relationship that may lead to re marriage. I apologise if i have that wrong. I mean this respectfully, if you don't have much time or spare money and were a guy ,i would not want to be involved with you. Purely because the limitations you have, would limit me , in terms of being able to see you and also do things that cost money like nights or days out/ holidays etc. Unless that man expected me to pay for everything which i will not do. So i wonder therefore what this relationship would be or actually is? All things being equal ,seeing someone irregularly and never going out as they cannot afford it; so basically just sitting at home is not my idea of a relationship. I spk only for myself.

Clearly for some OLD works. Personally it is not something i would ever do. As i said my friends used it as they could not get out, had no money and basically wanted sex. That is what i mean by lazy. The guys they hooked up with were usually the same, no dates no romance , no intention of hanging around, just hooking up. Basically transactional. I personally would not need sex that badly that i would do that. I am in no way tarring you with that brush and in no way suggesting that that relates to you in any way so please do not misunderstand me.

I am pleased that you have met someone and are happy with the status quo. I personally and i think OP is the same , prefer to meet people more traditionally and get to know them over time and by going out and doing things and sharing experiences. They all require effort and money ( i pay for myself btw) which says to me this person is genuine and i have spared myself a load of d**k pics and all the other unpleasantness that some have experienced on line dating. Op asked for ways to meet people that are NOT apps. I am puzzled why some are suggesting them. Op clearly has specifically said she does not want to use them. Op clearly does have the time and means to form a more traditional relationship and will be getting herself out there amongst people and activities in the process.