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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about dd scared of cat

68 replies

Happycat1212 · 28/03/2021 21:40

I have a cat, I’ve had the cat for 6 years but my dd who is 3 is terrified of her! Has anyone else’s child developed a fear of a pet? Aibu to ask how you get them past? It’s been for a long time now! She won’t go near her, screams if the cat comes near her , runs away from her etc

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 29/03/2021 08:07

I’ve been terrified of cats my whole life! Everything about them scares me. I sympathise with your daughter!

GoWalkabout · 29/03/2021 08:19

Try and make a graded plan with her, like a reward chart. At the very top is 'be able to love and stroke the cat with mum present'. At the very bottom is the first step 'stand behind mum while the cat comes in the room without screaming'. 10 graded steps in between. Lots of sparkles and fun kitten and cat pictures on the chart. Start a hobby with her where you snuggle up and watch cute funny cat videos together. Tell her she's going to manage one step this week and show her the reward she will get when she has done it. Mark it off with a big fanfare. (positive reinforcement - and try to ignore her when she screams as much as possible because fussing over her fears is negative reinforcement). STICK TO THE PLAN, invest your time now and it will be worth it.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/03/2021 08:35

I certainly wouldn't be rehoming a family pet because my three year old screamed at them or about them!

Three year olds are hardly the most rational beings in the world Grin I would teach her to play with the cat and stroke it nicely - maybe she could give him dreamies and teach him to do something like sit down or give his paw? All my cats do basic commands and my niece loves to get them to do things for her!

activitythree · 29/03/2021 08:42

I certainly wouldn't be rehoming a family pet because my three year old screamed at them or about them!

The kid is terrified in her own home. Why on earth would you choose to put a fucking cat over your own child's well-being?

ForgedInFire · 29/03/2021 12:49

I was scared of our cat when I was little and I managed to grow to love him and cats in general! I think the idea with the chart is really good and I'm going to steal that to help my own DDs. The older one is pretty much over her fear of our cat now so its just the younger one really.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/03/2021 12:52

My DD is 20 and is scared of our cat......so no advice here Grin

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/03/2021 13:07

@activitythree

I certainly wouldn't be rehoming a family pet because my three year old screamed at them or about them!

The kid is terrified in her own home. Why on earth would you choose to put a fucking cat over your own child's well-being?

Because three year olds are not known for their rationality. She might be scared - but that doesn't mean she gets the final say. She's three.

If the cat had hurt the child, or kept trying to attack the child, it would be different, but OP says the cat hasn't done anything like that.

The best approach would be to address the childs' fear, not to just get rid of the cat and pretend that solves the problem. The child could help feed the cat, give it treats, stroke it and play with it and start to create a bond.

AlCalavicci · 29/03/2021 13:18

I think @GoWalkabout's plan is a good idea

SaskiaRembrandt · 29/03/2021 13:19

@activitythree

I certainly wouldn't be rehoming a family pet because my three year old screamed at them or about them!

The kid is terrified in her own home. Why on earth would you choose to put a fucking cat over your own child's well-being?

Because it's not in the interests of a child's well-being to encourage an irrational fear. The fear she has can be overcome and it is in her interests for that to happen. Otherwise she is learning that it's okay to be afraid for no reason.
AlCalavicci · 29/03/2021 13:23

@activitythree , three years old wont put their coat / shoes on wont go to bed and a host of other things , you would not let them walk around outside with no shoes on or go to bed when it suits them .
OPs DD is not been hurt and getting rid of the cat will just prolong the fear . As I said up thread I was scared of our cat when I was little but with gentle encouragement from my Ddad I grew to love her .

Mittens030869 · 29/03/2021 13:24

Actually yes, it sounds like a plan worth trying. In my case, the cat had become increasingly aggressive, both to my DDs and to the other cats, who were a very good unit. I was also concerned about the risk of him attacking one of my DDs’ friends. So the decision to rehome him was best for both him (he’s thoroughly pampered now and completely changed, and for my DDs.

In the OP’s case, the cat isn’t aggressive so it could be possible to help her DD overcome her fears. My DDs used to be afraid of dogs, but now they’re fine with their friends’ dog and the dog belonging to their cousins.

1WayOrAnother2 · 29/03/2021 13:35

Help her cope with her feelings? Being afraid of something is pretty normal (the burner in the basement appears in 'Home Alone'). The cat might have featured in a nightmare. Learning how to manage irrational fears is part of growing up.

I agree that sending the cat away would just be a temporary fix - the fear would remain and reappear in some way later.

On getting used to your cat again.
Some PR work on cats in general? They need a new image for your DC.

Perhaps read stories about hero/heroine cats - friendly cats and talk about your cat is if it is the same. Make up stories about funny (kind) things your cat does. (Perhaps don't focus on the killing of mice - your DC might feel quite small and vulnerable herself and identify with mice.)

activitythree · 29/03/2021 13:39

[quote AlCalavicci]@activitythree , three years old wont put their coat / shoes on wont go to bed and a host of other things , you would not let them walk around outside with no shoes on or go to bed when it suits them .
OPs DD is not been hurt and getting rid of the cat will just prolong the fear . As I said up thread I was scared of our cat when I was little but with gentle encouragement from my Ddad I grew to love her .[/quote]

Having a tantrum and genuine fear are not the same thing.

activitythree · 29/03/2021 13:40

Because it's not in the interests of a child's well-being to encourage an irrational fear. The fear she has can be overcome and it is in her interests for that to happen. Otherwise she is learning that it's okay to be afraid for no reason.

She can learn to overcome her fear of cats without being terrified in her own home. It's a long process and clearly not working with the cat in the house.

Suzi888 · 29/03/2021 13:42

@activitythree

I certainly wouldn't be rehoming a family pet because my three year old screamed at them or about them!

The kid is terrified in her own home. Why on earth would you choose to put a fucking cat over your own child's well-being?

Because you could end up getting rid of anything and everything that the child takes a dislike to. She’s three, she doesn’t get to choose.
expectopelargonium · 29/03/2021 14:02

Have you tried not comforting her at all, and telling her to stop being so silly?

(you never know, it might work)

activitythree · 29/03/2021 14:08

Because you could end up getting rid of anything and everything that the child takes a dislike to. She’s three, she doesn’t get to choose.

It's not about disliking the cat though, she is terrified in her own home. That needs to be addressed. It nothing to do with allowing a three year old to choose, however, on the subject of choice her mother absolutely should be making the choice not to have her daughter live in fear.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/03/2021 14:27

It's not about disliking the cat though, she is terrified in her own home. That needs to be addressed. It nothing to do with allowing a three year old to choose, however, on the subject of choice her mother absolutely should be making the choice not to have her daughter live in fear.

I agree. But the solution still isn't to get rid of the cat - it's not attacking her or hurting her. It's just being a cat and going about it's business.

If OP doesn't want her child to live in fear, she needs to work with her daughter and try and fix the problem. Positive association is a good idea. Feed the cat treats. Play with the cats. Encourage the DD to sit calmly by the cat and hold her hand out for it to sniff.

Why leap to "get rid of the cat", when there are other, less drastic options to try first? I wouldn't get rid of an animal because a three year old decided to scream about it. Three year olds scream about all sorts - it doesn't mean you get rid of a living animal as a result!

FloraFauna27 · 29/03/2021 14:34

@expectopelargonium

Have you tried not comforting her at all, and telling her to stop being so silly?

(you never know, it might work)

Possibly one of the worst pieces of advice I’ve seen on here.
thecatneuterer · 29/03/2021 14:35

Prospective adopters with pets are asked what they would do if there are issues with the child and the pet and the 'right answer' if they want to continue in the process is to rehome the pet. Um no, they generally aren't and, if they did ask that, that wouldn't be the 'right' answer. The right answer would be to seek advice from the charity on how best to resolve the issue.

Shnuffles · 29/03/2021 14:36

I agree that gradually increasing exposure/proximity to the cat is the answer. It will take time and patience, but if the cat hasn't hurt your daughter, there's no reason for her to be afraid.

I'd also try talking to her about how nice the cat is, how much the cat wants to be her friend, read some illustrated books with friendly/sympathetic cats as characters, watch some YouTube videos of children gently patting cats (be sure to vet them first, to avoid anything counterproductive). Show her how to pat the cat, give the cat a treat (if she'll take it without accidentally nipping), etc. Praise her for being so grown-up and kind with the cat.

activitythree · 29/03/2021 14:59

Like I said OP, the 'omg how could you even consider regaining your cat' brigade have clouded your judgement. Ultimately you put your daughter first. Every. Single. Time.

I don't disagree that you can work on helping her with the fear of cats, but you do this at her pace and that means gradually, so without her being terrified of a cat in her own home.

The 'she is 3 she doesn't get to decide' attitude is really weird. We are not talking about an awkward child here, we are talking about a frightened child, and that should come before everything.

You really do need to take away the fear in order to be able to help with the fear.

SaskiaRembrandt · 29/03/2021 15:06

@activitythree

Because it's not in the interests of a child's well-being to encourage an irrational fear. The fear she has can be overcome and it is in her interests for that to happen. Otherwise she is learning that it's okay to be afraid for no reason.

She can learn to overcome her fear of cats without being terrified in her own home. It's a long process and clearly not working with the cat in the house.

And what if the cat is rehomed and she develops a fear of something else? The television, her bed, a sibling - should they be removed too.

I'm guessing we will have to agree to disagree, but I strongly believe that removing the cat will not help in the long run. Learning that the cat is not to be feared is.

activitythree · 29/03/2021 15:09

And what if the cat is rehomed and she develops a fear of something else? The television, her bed, a sibling - should they be removed too.

A fear of an animal isn't unrealistic. Your examples are more extreme and would indicate a much deeper issue.

gogogogo1 · 29/03/2021 15:12

Could you do very small introductions, getting the child to play with cat toys with the cat or feeding the cat something it likes to eat?