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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have driven around and around now just parked not knowing where to go.

52 replies

Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 20:06

I am an awful person, my DD1 is in hospital after a very traumatic few weeks. I have ds and DD2 at home. Tonight was the one night a week I go home from daughter to get house sorted other kids sorted I’m so exhausted,
I have a great life, great kids a great DP a successful career. I am not suicidal but I am exhausted. I left the hospital and I just drove around, almost delaying getting home. I am
Now parked somewhere and just not wanting to move just for a while.
But my kids needs me. They need a mum that is stronger than this. I just want some time a few hours that’s it but how awful does that make me 🥲

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 28/03/2021 20:09

It does not make you awful.
It makes you human.
Flowers

katy1213 · 28/03/2021 20:11

Not awful at all. Sit for a while and play some music until you feel a bit better. If there was any justice, you'd be in a nice cosy pub with a glass of wine and the Sunday papers.

ArchieStar · 28/03/2021 20:12

Didn’t want to read and run 💖

It’s incredibly hard, but you have got this. Take 5 minutes for yourself, then get in there and crack on. You are stronger than you feel I promise!

Sirzy · 28/03/2021 20:12

You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to take time to look after you.

I remember on Ds first extended hospital stay when a nurse pretty much kicked me off the ward pointing out I was no use to him exhausted.

Take care and I hope everything settles soon

LolaButt · 28/03/2021 20:13

To be the best mum in this situation you need some time to decompress. It’s ok to stop for a bit. I promise x

TheSilveryPussycat · 28/03/2021 20:13

I just want some time a few hours that’s it but how awful does that make me

You need some time, anyone would in your situation. BrewBrew

SylviaPlath1984 · 28/03/2021 20:14

Hand holding ❤️

I think all mums have felt like this at some point. You're burnt out, you can't pour from an empty cup as pp said xx

Spied · 28/03/2021 20:14

It makes you human.
Just please let someone know you are safe if you are going to be too late.
Flowers

Mummaofboys93 · 28/03/2021 20:14

It does not make you awful. You're human. Have some time for you, you matter just as much as your family does.

muddledmidget · 28/03/2021 20:14

I'm not surprised you need a bit of alone time, that sounds intense and worrying, and with very little chance of relaxation. Is there any way that any of what you need to do at home could be outsourced? It seems wrong that you go home to your other children and need to sort the house out, could a cleaner and a laundry service for school uniforms relieve a little of the burden?

Sirzy · 28/03/2021 20:14

Also is there a friend/relative who you can go to for an hour or so just for a cuppa and a cry or whatever you need? (Done safely of course but mental health needs protecting at times like this)

Bargebill19 · 28/03/2021 20:15

It doesn’t make you awful. Your brain is screaming for you to stop just for a moment. Take notice and do just that. Even if it’s only for the time taken to draw a deep breath and have a cup of tea.
Once you feel ready to go home. Do the bare minimum you have to do to, and try to get some sleep.
I really feel for you and hope things get better quickly.

TheGriffle · 28/03/2021 20:16

You are not a machine. You need to look after yourself before you can have the strength to look after others.

Your poorly child and your other children need you. They need a physically and mentally healthy you. So you do what is needed to and that happen and don’t feel one inch of guilt.

Even if you just sit in your car for an hour and listen to music and scroll endlessly on your phone. If you need that to make it through the rest of the day then you do it.

brokenspoon · 28/03/2021 20:18

You are not awful at all. My daughter was in hospital for quite some time, I had older kids too and I remember sometimes just driving around or parking up somewhere to cry/catch my breath/eat some food. You do what you need to do. Hang in there x

Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 20:19

I am just feeling guilty, everything is my fault. I have screwed up on so many levels and I just can’t fix it. I can’t make my daughters leg re appear. I can’t fix the fact that I accidentally had a baby ( I love her I really really do )
But it wasn’t meant to happen and now me and Dp are just pretending to love eachother because neither of us want to admit it.
I just feel like I had my life together and now I have ruined it all.
Why did I not spot she was not well ? Why did I not take her to the hospital sooner. Because I was tired and I dropped the ball.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 28/03/2021 20:21

You need rest because you are not a machine (and even machines need rest). Take time to rest - find someone to lean on if you can.

Sirzy · 28/03/2021 20:21

I don’t know what has happened but don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you have all been through a very traumatic time so when your all home perhaps consider seeking counselling for yourself to deal with things

orpah · 28/03/2021 20:24

Bless you. Sometimes we just need a little time out, away from...everything

sunnydaleslayer · 28/03/2021 20:24

I'm sorry you are going through such an awful time.

You're not awful at all. Is there a friend or family member you can go visit for a chat? Thanks

heyjude12 · 28/03/2021 20:25

Troublewaters21 you are human and you are tired. Please take the time you need.
Mothers have a awful habit of blaming themselves when things go wrong . Please try not to.
Sending love and prayers xx

Lockdownlumpy · 28/03/2021 20:38

Op, I read your original post about your daughter. I hope that she is on the mend although I understand she has a lot to get used to.

None of it is your fault, please please don't blame yourself.
And it is not wrong or bad or anything else to need a little time to switch off and zone out after such an incredibly stressful few weeks. It is absolutely normal and a totally human reaction.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs and wishing you the strength to get through the next few weeks.

Thehawki · 28/03/2021 20:38

Oh my love you are not to blame. This is not your fault, give yourself some shut eye and head on home, you’re exhausted and need a restful evening. You’ve been through a really traumatic situation but there was nothing you could have done, it’s not your fault. Sending all my love your way x

therocinante · 28/03/2021 20:39

You're human and you're undergoing a HUGE amount of stress and trauma, both for yourself and with your daughter.

It doesn't matter how great your life or career or DP are: this isn't a scenario that anyone, from the poorest person with no job to the most high flying CEO, is expected to get through without feeling stressed and broken. How you feel is normal.

And all the things a person needs: sleep, food, time to themselves, the ability to reset - they don't magically disappear because something is happening. And you're not meeting at least some of those needs right now because you're doing things for everyone else on top of your immediate need to look after and advocate for your daughter.

So you're burning out, spectacularly. Time to send up a distress flare to anyone who can pick up the load a little bit for you: your partner, your parents, a friend. Tell them you need them to sort the kids' uniforms for tomorrow, do you a food shop, buy you a bottle of wine, do the school run, cook, phone the council about your council tax bill, whatever needs doing. It's not negotiable - you need space to decompress, even a tiny bit, or you're going to keep building pressure to a point where you can no longer be useful to anyone, most of all yourself.

Send up the flare. "I'm not coping, and I need an hour/a night/a day to breathe before I completely lose my shit. I need to be okay to be able to be there for DD, so I need your help, please. I need X, Y and Z doing."

And then sit in your car, or your shed, or wherever you can find space for yourself, and let yourself feel it all. Be devastated and cry and howl and do whatever you can't do in front of DD. Or read a magazine, drink a brew, have a bath, and pretend it all isn't happening for an hour or two, if you think that will help instead.

Good luck. I hear the pain and distress in your words and I need you to know those are normal and you are okay, you will be okay. But you need to make space for that to be possible.

Vgbeat · 28/03/2021 20:44

First of all I am sure you are blaming yourself for things that are not your fault or in fact anybodies fault. It's natural to.blame yourself all mothers do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a little time to yourself you sound like you have really gone through something and you are a person not just someone's mother or wife. Take a few minutes to just breathe, have a cry, have a scream, whatever you need to do..

Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 20:45

Thank you for your kind words, my DP is a great person but we just live in the same
House we don’t love eachother. My youngest is too young to understand anything that’s happening but feel like I have not been there for her. My DS is at that akward teen stage where tbh he doesn’t seemed bothered by my existence but I know he does and I do know he needs me even if he doesn’t say it.
My DD1 is in pain, so much pain and so upset and emotional. Just when I get home it’s like no one has tried to anything. There’s a week load of washing, a week load of dishes etc
It’s chaos.

OP posts:
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