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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have driven around and around now just parked not knowing where to go.

52 replies

Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 20:06

I am an awful person, my DD1 is in hospital after a very traumatic few weeks. I have ds and DD2 at home. Tonight was the one night a week I go home from daughter to get house sorted other kids sorted I’m so exhausted,
I have a great life, great kids a great DP a successful career. I am not suicidal but I am exhausted. I left the hospital and I just drove around, almost delaying getting home. I am
Now parked somewhere and just not wanting to move just for a while.
But my kids needs me. They need a mum that is stronger than this. I just want some time a few hours that’s it but how awful does that make me 🥲

OP posts:
steppemum · 28/03/2021 20:51

Oh sweetheart, you need rest.
You are worn out, burnt out, exhausted.

And you are tearing yourself up inside with guilt.
Honestly? Crap happens and it isn't always someone's fault.

Send out an SOS. Let people aroudn you know you are at breaking point.
If you were my friend, I'd come round and do some washing, cook a meal, give you a hug (yeah sod the rules, I'd be there)

This isn't the time to worry about DP, or who is pulling their weight at home, you just need to get some rest and get some support.

x x

therocinante · 28/03/2021 20:52

Your DS and DP need to step up - they need to realise that you have too much on your plate right now and that they are responsible for the house. Can you tell them this and will they listen?

GettingUntrapped · 28/03/2021 20:56

So many mothers feel like this. Put yourself first. Not just now, but from now on. Christ, having a family does grind a woman down more often than it should.

Sirzy · 28/03/2021 21:02

Tell your dp and Ds what you need from them. That you need to have a clean house when you get back so they need to step up.

If your living at the hospital they need to step up to take over the household stuff. They can arrange a cleaner or whatever if needed but they need to do it.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 28/03/2021 21:11

Honestly you sound amazing. Be kind to yourself.

But the fact your dp hasn't kept up with the housework needs addressing. You cannot and frankly should not be doing it all on your own.

I am a single mum, dds dad is a feckless idiot and similar behaviour to your dp is why he is my ex. I ignored it for too long...you need to be on the same team for your poorly dd so give him kick up the arse and pronto!

As for your dds illness, that isn't your fault. You didnt make her ill. Be strong! You got this!!

Namechange1991x · 28/03/2021 21:12

Are you at home now? Keep talking to us, we are here for you 🌺

Watchingpaintdryagain · 28/03/2021 21:20

Go home, do the absolute minimum, go to bed. The chores can wait. Then sit down with DS and DP and draw up a plan of who is doing what. They need to step up.

Vickles20 · 28/03/2021 21:21

Keep talking to us OP. Hand here for holding. Xx

crashbandicootwarped · 28/03/2021 21:25

I don't have anywhere near the level of shit you are having to deal with.
Sometimes I sit In The car in the supermarket car park just for some quiet time.

Flowers24 · 28/03/2021 21:29

Im the same at the moment , take time and i totally understand xx

Sunstar16 · 28/03/2021 21:32

I have been following your previous post. You did nothing wrong. Your dd took sick so suddenly. She is such a brave girl with everything she has been through. It will take time for her to adjust but she will get there. Just look at how she handled her heart transplant.

Make sure they are giving her the pain relief she needs and work on physio for phantom pains.

As for home get your dh and ds to step up. If it helps you to have some head space book a cleaner for the next few weeks. Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help and support. That is what they are here for. Your wee one won't remember too much of this time so plenty of cuddles when you are home. Prioritise your and your children's emotional needs. A coffee in a car park with music playing for half an hour gives you a break and the strength to carry on.

Sansaplans · 28/03/2021 21:39

It's not surprising you need a break OP, that sounds like a lot, you sound wonderfully strong so please be kind to yourself. Do you have any friends/family you can call for some support?

babbaloushka · 28/03/2021 21:52

Hi OP, I saw your last thread and wonder if you're on Instagram, have you had a look at the page @teamabri? It's run by the mum of a little girl who had an amputation and follows her life, adjustment and all of the incredible things she's managed to get up to with her prosthetic. Take time for yourself and give your DH a kick up the arse about housework.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 28/03/2021 21:55

If it is a little bit of comfort, one of my friends lost his leg below the knee when he was 11 (sporting accident). It made him a different person, I’m sure, but he is one of the kindest people I know and has a very happy life. He does remember the upset he felt at the time and remembers the sadness, but real life just carries on regardless, and he says he really can’t be arsed to dwell on what might have been.
Sending you hugs.

Whammyyammy · 28/03/2021 21:58

YANBU. you need and deserve you time Flowers. I something just go and get a costa or mcflurry and sit in the car park and chill. Never feel guilty about looking after yourself. Your family will feel the benefit from that too

Stovetopespresso · 28/03/2021 22:00

you sound really overwhelmed op, and no wonder, but you're reacting like a human, no more no less!
maybe do the top 5 things on the list and try...I know it sounds a big ask...to compartmentalise Flowers
address the dh stuff later when you've dealt with the immediate stuff, life is asking a lot of you at the moment for sure Flowers, hope you get a good night x

medebourne · 28/03/2021 22:01

Your kids need a strong mum.

That's why you are taking a much needed break right now to recover your balance and strength. You'd be no use to anyone if you just carried on pounding the treadmill.

Congratulate yourself for knowing how to take care of yourself, and by doing that protecting your family too.

I've been where you are. Wishing you brighter days. Flowers

oatmilk4breakfast · 28/03/2021 22:08

There’s only so much that one human being can take. Please don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You sound exhausted. Hand hold from me.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/03/2021 22:21

now me and Dp are just pretending to love eachother because neither of us want to admit it.

Just when I get home it’s like no one has tried to anything. There’s a week load of washing, a week load of dishes etc

That's your answer for not wanting to go home right there. It isn't a haven, a place of safety and security and love. It's sorting out everyone else's crap when you've got more than enough going on with your DD.

Give yourself time to breathe. Stop doing everyone's washing if that's what it takes. Does anyone else bother or do they all assume the housework fairy (ie you) will do it all? If so, disabuse them of the idea. Is your not so D P taking any of the strain of worrying about your DD, or is that all left to you too?

And please stop beating yourself up about DD's condition. (I know that's easier said than done.) Try to focus on the future, and how it's all going to work out - and if that's without 'D'P so be it.

Firsttimecatlady · 28/03/2021 22:31

Right now, you’re doing exactly the right thing for your family, by giving yourself some time. You can not look after them if you don’t look after yourself first. I know how counterintuitive that seems as a mother, but you have to come first to stand a chance of keeping them all together too.

And this is atrociously naff, but recently when I’ve been down in that black hole, I think “do the next right thing.” (Yep- that’s from frozen- shame!!) Literally just that. Nothing beyond, but what’s the next right thing to do? Go home, put the kettle on, hug your son. That’s it- that might be all you have to do. Then you’ll work out the next right thing. Step by step.
Xxx

Hankunamatata · 28/03/2021 22:36

Let the house be chaos. When you get home. Have a drink/cuppa and sit down. The mess can wait.

Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 22:47

I am at home ❤️ Thank you I’m sure I will
Be fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 28/03/2021 23:52

I’m now in bed, after settling baby and having a wee chat with DS. New day tomorrow I will just have to find the energy to carry on for now.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 29/03/2021 00:33

Sleep well OP. Tomorrow will be better hopefully. Remind yourself that you're a great woman and the support you've found on here.
💐

Toffeepopcorn11011 · 29/03/2021 02:25

Hi- just wanted to apologise, I was scrolling down on my phone and accidentally voted and I might have accidentally clicked YABU. I’m so sorry if I did, it was a complete accident.

Also just wanted to comment about how brave you sound to have so much going on and yet to be able to keep going. Give yourself credit for how brilliantly you’re coping Flowers sending lots of good wishes to you and I really hope things get easier soon x