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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Embarrassed or should he apologise?

45 replies

FuckingFabulous · 28/03/2021 18:54

I've posted about DH before, so I'd be very interested in hearing from those posters with experience of ADHD, but also anyone with experience of male partners!

DH was outside staining the shed and I handed him his dinner as he had asked to have it out there. He took it from me. I went back inside and started sorting out the school uniforms for tomorrow.

DH came stomping in up the stairs and raised his voice at me, declaring "I'm not bloody hungry anymore!!!" I was a bit taken aback and asked what was wrong with the food. He said "I don't know! Could be loads! I won't ever know, because I sat in it and now I can't eat it!" In a very accusatory tone! I told him that's unfortunate but it's not my fault. He responded furiously that I ought not to have handed it to him when he was so busy! I pointed out to him that at the point I handed it to him, he was drinking a coffee and catching up on Facebook and that I still failed to see how it was my fault and why he thought he could come in and blame me for his mistake. He then ranted that he has no clean trousers for work. I wordlessly handed him a clean stack of about six pairs. He scowled and stomped off to collect some tools from BIL and has just texted me saying "Is my staining brush clean or has it been left in the sink and been ruined?" He's been gone ten minutes and mentioned precisely fuck all about a brush. And I'm not his personal brush cleaner!!

Is he just embarrassed and cross about ruining his dinner and should I roll my eyes and ignore it or is he being a twat who ought to apologise unreservedly?

OP posts:
Wurrg · 28/03/2021 18:55

Don't think that's adhd related, think that's him being a horrible aggressive twat.

Merryoldgoat · 28/03/2021 18:57

That’s just him being a dick - ADHD doesn’t turn you into a twat.

sadpapercourtesan · 28/03/2021 18:58

That isn't ADHD, that's a spoiled brat.

Does he usually treat you like dirt?

Sexnotgender · 28/03/2021 19:01

He’s being a weapons grade twat. Why are you putting up with this shit? Would you let anyone else speak to you like that?

Doyoumindfisithere · 28/03/2021 19:02

What? He is completely in the wrong here. On all counts.

UhtredRagnarson · 28/03/2021 19:03

Christ is still be laughing at him sitting in his dinner. What a twit.

Geamhradh · 28/03/2021 19:03

Don't use him having ADHD as an excuse.
He's an abusive twat.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 28/03/2021 19:04

You shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. My DP would have laughed and so would I!
Is he like this often?

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 19:05

Complete twat, sorry, OP. Is he always like this? If so I'd be on RightMove right now.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 19:05

Fucking hell that's an appalling way to treat you, OP. Has he been like this before?!

YukoandHiro · 28/03/2021 19:07

Is this the guy who refused to put up the shed initially? This shed seems to be causing all manner of issues - what's the shed being built for? What's really going on around it?

Hawkmoth · 28/03/2021 19:08

Is this the lost laptop guy?

FuckingFabulous · 28/03/2021 19:08

No, he's never normally like this! He can get flustered and overwhelmed but he's never come in and angrily accused me of being responsible for mistakes he's made. He's actually really lovely, so I'm doubly stunned

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 28/03/2021 19:09

"Did you clean it? Cos you sure as fuck didn't mention anything about it in your rant about your dinner or the trousers. I suggest you tidy up your own shit before you go out then you will know it is done."

And then ignore him. He's being a dick. Maybe the putting down his dinner plate and then forgetting it and sitting on it could be adhd related. The ranting and everything else is just being a dickhead.

Medical issues are not a reason to be a dickhead.

FuckingFabulous · 28/03/2021 19:10

@YukoandHiro

Is this the guy who refused to put up the shed initially? This shed seems to be causing all manner of issues - what's the shed being built for? What's really going on around it?
That shed was a metal one that he didn't understand the instructions to. I got rid and got a wooden one which has been erected and he's now staining. Possibly he's annoyed because I paid someone else to put it up.... but the stuff from the garage (which we had converted) can't sit in the garden any longer, it's getting damp. And I want to use the garden!
OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 28/03/2021 19:10

Is this the previous shed and laptop man?

Please get couples counselling.

FuckingFabulous · 28/03/2021 19:12

@DimidDavilby

Is this the previous shed and laptop man?

Please get couples counselling.

Can you explain why you think that would be useful? Like most people on Mumsnet, I only post here when I've got something to discuss. Most of the time it's plain sailing.
OP posts:
Goleor · 28/03/2021 19:13

I've ADHD and while its something I would do. I'd probably die laughing at my own clumsiness. He just sounds like an arse, it 100% his own fault for not paying more attention. He should have put the phone away the minute the dinner was handed to him, especially since he is aware of his issues.

FuckingFabulous · 28/03/2021 19:14

@Goleor

I've ADHD and while its something I would do. I'd probably die laughing at my own clumsiness. He just sounds like an arse, it 100% his own fault for not paying more attention. He should have put the phone away the minute the dinner was handed to him, especially since he is aware of his issues.
Normally he would, so I'm really quite Confused
OP posts:
GoF1sh · 28/03/2021 19:17

I have adhd. I wouldn't use that as an excuse to be a dick to someone if I sat in my dinner. I would also apologise. My children also have adhd, they most likely would kick off and shout if they sat in their dinner, and it would likely be my fault, somehow 🙄 but they haven't yet mastered keeping control of their emotions.

Ivy48 · 28/03/2021 19:18

If he’s never usually one to react this way when he’s frustrated (which he clearly is) then I’d be asking why but also making it clear you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that ever again and if he does then he can do his own tea and washing.

AcornAutumn · 28/03/2021 19:18

@FuckingFabulous

No, he's never normally like this! He can get flustered and overwhelmed but he's never come in and angrily accused me of being responsible for mistakes he's made. He's actually really lovely, so I'm doubly stunned
I remember the shed saga

Sorry but I think you need to tell him what's what. Maybe his mental health is poor at the mo, maybe he's got other stuff upsetting him, but this is OTT. I do understand some tetchiness but this is too much.

It's a bad thing to let someone fall into a pattern of blaming you.

GloGirl · 28/03/2021 19:21

I have ADHD and could easily have made all of these mistakes. I wouldn't aggressively turn round and blame someone else though, or be so spectacularly ungrateful if someone would wash my clothes or make me dinner.

Wtf? He seems like such an unpleasant hole.

JackieTheFart · 28/03/2021 19:21

You’ve had a hell of a lot of posts recently @FuckingFabulous where he’s behaved really really badly IMO. This seems like the cherry on the shit cake. It sounds like ADHD excuses a lot of bad behaviour from him.

wandawombat · 28/03/2021 19:22

There may well be something else going on, adhd has a lot of co-morbidities. Ask him why he's frustrated?

I've got adhd & I'm having wee outbursts atm. Normally means I'm worrying about something.

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