I'm braving AIBU for this as I genuinely need to know if I'm in the wrong here or not. I think I'm too close to see it but please be kind. My intentions are only to be fair. It's long...
I have 2 step-brothers as my DM remarried when I was in my 20s after all the ‘children’ had moved out. This is relevant as it demonstrates I’ve never lived with nor had a sibling relationship with them. Having said that, I get on fine with them and have (at times) had friendships of a sort with them. In general, throughout our adult lives, I have seen them only by chance if we happen to visit our parents or at occasional family gatherings.
One of the SBs has serious mental health problems and approx 10 years ago withdrew from these meetings and gatherings as he couldn’t cope with them. Having done that, he retained a relationship with his DF and DB. This is also relevant as it demonstrates that as a step-sister, I was not close enough to be included. I have never had any issue with that, in fact it was my preference too - I didn’t know him well enough for him to confide or to be party to his personal information.
Throughout this time we have been Facebook friends. When I was active on fb (which I no longer am through personal choice), he’d see my updates, comment, message me from time to time.
One thing I don’t like about Facebook is that it makes me a lazy friend. I see your updates, you see mine and it feels like we are having a relationship when we’re not. That’s partly why I don’t use it any more. Anyway, my point is I think that’s how he has felt - included in my life but, in reality, he hasn’t been (through no fault of his or mine).
He was diagnosed with cancer a year or so ago. At that time, I messaged him to let him know I am thinking of him (we don’t phone each other - his mental health means that sometimes he is too depressed or anxious to want calls. In all the time I have known him - 25-plus years I think I have called him twice). I’m just explaining why I message rather than call.
We have messaged from time to time, he calls me sis, which doesn’t sit right with me but I let it go as he seems to like it. Apart from messages of support for his illness I have never messaged him much. We are very different people with very different views on life who don’t have much in common.
I get regular updates from my DM and luckily things have been very positive re his cancer, however, last week I heard he had received bad news so I messaged him along the lines of - thinking of you, hope you hear good news soon, etc.
He responded a few days later with a very passive-aggressive message about me not messaging enough and ‘let’s just put that down to you being busy’ and ‘communication come from both ends but this is the sick end’.
If we had that type of relationship, he’d be right but we don’t.
Also, I am busy - large family, pressurised job, I struggle with anxiety myself and some of his behaviours are triggering. He doesn’t know that (because he doesn’t know me) and I don’t want to tell him (none of his business and I don’t want to hurt his feelings).
This situation is also causing me so much stress and anxiety. I get the pursed lips and PA disapproval from DM (she is, and always a has been, of the view that everyone else’s feelings are more important than mine). I’m somehow supposed to find the time and the inclination, not to mention take the lead entirely and make up reasons to message SB and conversations because he wants me to.
I don’t want to. Why? Because it’s fake, I don’t have time, he’s not the most likeable person, we have nothing in common. If he cared enough to find out about my thoughts and opinions I don’t think he’s find me very likeable either as we are simply so different.
However, he is mentally ill, he has cancer, he wants this.
If he had a short time left to live, I’d go all out to give someone pleasure whether we are related or not, but this manufactured relationship could last for years. It would be cruel to get into that if I wasn’t committed to continue.
AIBU? I’m willing to be told I am