To not want a relationship with this man?

[MeridasMum]

I'm braving AIBU for this as I genuinely need to know if I'm in the wrong here or not. I think I'm too close to see it but please be kind. My intentions are only to be fair. It's long...

I have 2 step-brothers as my DM remarried when I was in my 20s after all the ‘children’ had moved out. This is relevant as it demonstrates I’ve never lived with nor had a sibling relationship with them. Having said that, I get on fine with them and have (at times) had friendships of a sort with them. In general, throughout our adult lives, I have seen them only by chance if we happen to visit our parents or at occasional family gatherings.

One of the SBs has serious mental health problems and approx 10 years ago withdrew from these meetings and gatherings as he couldn’t cope with them. Having done that, he retained a relationship with his DF and DB. This is also relevant as it demonstrates that as a step-sister, I was not close enough to be included. I have never had any issue with that, in fact it was my preference too - I didn’t know him well enough for him to confide or to be party to his personal information.

Throughout this time we have been Facebook friends. When I was active on fb (which I no longer am through personal choice), he’d see my updates, comment, message me from time to time.

One thing I don’t like about Facebook is that it makes me a lazy friend. I see your updates, you see mine and it feels like we are having a relationship when we’re not. That’s partly why I don’t use it any more. Anyway, my point is I think that’s how he has felt - included in my life but, in reality, he hasn’t been (through no fault of his or mine).

He was diagnosed with cancer a year or so ago. At that time, I messaged him to let him know I am thinking of him (we don’t phone each other - his mental health means that sometimes he is too depressed or anxious to want calls. In all the time I have known him - 25-plus years I think I have called him twice). I’m just explaining why I message rather than call.

We have messaged from time to time, he calls me sis, which doesn’t sit right with me but I let it go as he seems to like it. Apart from messages of support for his illness I have never messaged him much. We are very different people with very different views on life who don’t have much in common.

I get regular updates from my DM and luckily things have been very positive re his cancer, however, last week I heard he had received bad news so I messaged him along the lines of - thinking of you, hope you hear good news soon, etc.

He responded a few days later with a very passive-aggressive message about me not messaging enough and ‘let’s just put that down to you being busy’ and ‘communication come from both ends but this is the sick end’.

If we had that type of relationship, he’d be right but we don’t.

Also, I am busy - large family, pressurised job, I struggle with anxiety myself and some of his behaviours are triggering. He doesn’t know that (because he doesn’t know me) and I don’t want to tell him (none of his business and I don’t want to hurt his feelings).

This situation is also causing me so much stress and anxiety. I get the pursed lips and PA disapproval from DM (she is, and always a has been, of the view that everyone else’s feelings are more important than mine). I’m somehow supposed to find the time and the inclination, not to mention take the lead entirely and make up reasons to message SB and conversations because he wants me to.

I don’t want to. Why? Because it’s fake, I don’t have time, he’s not the most likeable person, we have nothing in common. If he cared enough to find out about my thoughts and opinions I don’t think he’s find me very likeable either as we are simply so different.

However, he is mentally ill, he has cancer, he wants this.

If he had a short time left to live, I’d go all out to give someone pleasure whether we are related or not, but this manufactured relationship could last for years. It would be cruel to get into that if I wasn’t committed to continue.

AIBU? I’m willing to be told I am

YANBU. He doesn’t think you have a relationship either, he’s just taking his cue from your mother that everyone else’s feelings are more important than yours.

Now that you are no longer on Facebook, you’re supposed to make yourself available to him by WhatsApp.

He is not your brother and never will be. Only give as much of yourself as you can afford.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Righty-ho. What about this message from the OP isn't kind?

I get regular updates from my DM and luckily things have been very positive re his cancer, however, last week I heard he had received bad news so I messaged him along the lines of - thinking of you, hope you hear good news soon, etc.

When his response is then:

He responded a few days later with a very passive-aggressive message about me not messaging enough and ‘let’s just put that down to you being busy’ and ‘communication come from both ends but this is the sick end’.

People get back the kindness in life that they offer out. Doesn't sound like the OP's step brother offers out much. He may be ill, but if you are always distant, aggressive and overbearing with your opinions, don't expect people to come knocking simply because you're ill. He is not owed anything, and most certainly not by the OP.

But do carry on crowing "be kind". It's just about meaningless anyway from being so overused (and badly used).

@acatcalledjohn

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Righty-ho. What about this message from the OP isn't kind?

I get regular updates from my DM and luckily things have been very positive re his cancer, however, last week I heard he had received bad news so I messaged him along the lines of - thinking of you, hope you hear good news soon, etc.

When his response is then:

He responded a few days later with a very passive-aggressive message about me not messaging enough and ‘let’s just put that down to you being busy’ and ‘communication come from both ends but this is the sick end’.

People get back the kindness in life that they offer out. Doesn't sound like the OP's step brother offers out much. He may be ill, but if you are always distant, aggressive and overbearing with your opinions, don't expect people to come knocking simply because you're ill. He is not owed anything, and most certainly not by the OP.

But do carry on crowing "be kind". It's just about meaningless anyway from being so overused (and badly used).

Thank you John. I am glad to hear that my OP doesn't seem unkind.

One thing I should add in the interests of complete fairness - he is also kind. He sends gifts for my children for birthdays and Xmas.

However, you have it spot on with 'overbearing' and 'aggressive'.

Having read your measured and kind response I think I need to revise my earlier statement.

Sorry I didn't look at your username but have seen Staley homes thread etc and it must be very hard for you.

It is good you are trying to understand rather then just dismiss and move on. This certainly isn't a case of 'this is all you'. Maybe I bashed out my previous response a little quickly. I'm sure you are very kind and it was nice of you to send the initial message.

When people come from two different worlds it can be hard to find middle ground. It upset me slightly the way you spoke about the mental health problems and him calling you sis. Do you call him your brother? I have a step niece which I met at 13. She is now 17. She is from a very different world to mine and sometimes I find her difficult to relate to. One thing I always do is call her my niece and treat her like my other niece as best I can. I try not to let on my personal feelings. Now I know this is very different to a grown man but sometimes people with MH problems don't always see the world the way we do.

I stand by my be kind statement because people with MH problems are more sensitive then most and it sounds to me like he wants some kindness. Even if this comes across as aggressive. People often lash out when they feel hurt.

I would go back to him and explain along the lines of - you are sorry but you weren't sure how much to message because you haven't had much contact in 10 years and you didn't want to bother him.

Chances are he was just lashing out and you were the easiest person to do it to.

Do not engage with your mum about this subject she will never help.

Also feel free to completely ignore all of this you need to do what you feel comfortable with.

@maybemu Thank you

@maybemu

I've got to disagree. That post was just a long justification as why you have done nothing wrong. Very one sided. You say your mother has always put others feelings first...... or maybe she is siding with the man who has cancer and maybe clearly wants a relationship with you. This whole post sounded very self centred. Maybe he has always had a problem with your lack of effort and has now had enough of biting his tongue.

You are well within your right to carry on the relationship you have now but don't expect others (your mother and him) to agree with your point of view. Got to say I don't.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

It's not that hard.

Fuck that shit. Women get landed with ‘be kind’ all the time, because everyone else feels entitled to their time. The OP has no relationship with this man, and doesn’t want one — if he wants one with her, or wants to maintain the one he believes he has, it’s on him to make the effort, or at least not send passive aggressive messages about what she’s doing wrong.

Delete and block. You don't owe anyone anything, not DM, not SB.

Your time is your own, you choose how to spend it. Other people don't have to like your choices, they're entitled to their emotions and if they keep trying to get you to change your behaviour so they don't have to feel those emotions then they're being rude.

You have the choice to walk away from rude people, you don't need to pacify them or justify yourself to them.

sounds to me like he wants some kindness.

He had some kindness from OP. If he wanted more, behaving like an entitled arsehole isn't the way to go about getting it.

I don't think you should have messaged him at all and saying that you were thinking of him was meaningless. I understand where he's coming from and I do think you are being unreasonable.

No wonder women are so worn out and exhausted, constantly thinking of others as they juggle 20 balls.

OP, back away from him.

You don't want to be a part of his life.

The same with your mother.

This constant stress that women put themselves under to be in contact with people they don't like, don't care about and bring them nothing but stress.

Men largely don't do it.
They just don't engage.

OP,
You have anxiety.
Help yourself.
Cut out the relationships that increase your anxiety.
It is so freeing.
You don't owe ANYONE your peace of mind.

@TheProvincialLady
I agree with you.

maybemu I have to disagree with your post. You don't know what the OP&'s mum is like. The OP* does.

However, I do agree. "That post was just a long justification as why you have done nothing wrong." Indeed it was because the OP has not done anything wrong.

"In a world where you can be anything, be kind." I love this saying and I hate it too. Yes, it;s great to be kind. But sometimes being kind (in this context) might mean putting up with shit. being painted as the bad person. When the OP is not the bad person.

maybemu

"It is good you are trying to understand rather then just dismiss and move on. This certainly isn't a case of 'this is all you'. Maybe I bashed out my previous response a little quickly. I'm sure you are very kind and it was nice of you to send the initial message."

That's a kind thing to say.

I am afraid I am a very big fence sitter!

I can agree with billy1966 "No wonder women are so worn out and exhausted, constantly thinking of others as they juggle 20 balls.

OP, back away from him.

You don't want to be a part of his life.

The same with your mother.

This constant stress that women put themselves under to be in contact with people they don't like, don't care about and bring them nothing but stress.

Men largely don't do it.
They just don't engage."

However, I would say, do what feels best for you. If backing away from him is more stressful for you, then you do not need to do it. But at the end of the day you will only have a superficial relationship ever.

Your mum sounds pretty toxic. You are right to keep them all at arm's length and you are not being unreasonable at all.

Is you step brother’s DM still alive OP, and does he have a partner, or is he lining you up to do his “mumwork or wifework”* for him, by default as there is no one else to do this for him, apart from your DM and she is pushing it onto you.

*What I mean is stuff like his laundry when in hospital, remembering to order his prescriptions, sorting out bills, relaying messages to his friends, organising taxis, feeding the cat, watering plants, doing shopping etc. etc...the type of stuff is for women to do not his DF or DB!

@Matrottinetteelectrique

Is you step brother’s DM still alive OP, and does he have a partner, or is he lining you up to do his “mumwork or wifework”* for him, by default as there is no one else to do this for him, apart from your DM and she is pushing it onto you.

*What I mean is stuff like his laundry when in hospital, remembering to order his prescriptions, sorting out bills, relaying messages to his friends, organising taxis, feeding the cat, watering plants, doing shopping etc. etc...the type of stuff is for women to do not his DF or DB!

No, there's no DM or DP.

I don't think it's that though. His DF and DB support him in that type of 'wife work'.

It's been many years since he's had a partner. Historically (and this is from family stories of 'before my time'), whenever he has had a partner, he has love-bombed. He used to become quite obsessive about love interests, over-generous, just 'too much' in general.

About, 20-ish years ago, I started feeling like this was happening with me (I am not suggesting he was inappropriate or romantic, just coming on way too strong), so I nipped it in the bud and stepped back. It seemed to work.

I blame myself for this to be honest, hence my OP trying to absolve myself of blame!! I hate confrontation and hate to fall out so I've been quite passive in my attempts to pull back. To me, I've been clear but, in reality, maybe I haven't been clear enough.

Honestly, I think I’d cut contact. He isn’t emotionally close to you, you’re really distantly related and now he’s giving you shit for not communicating, when I bet he wasn’t exactly gushing when you had the dc/issues. This is all about your ‘d’m, not him. She needs to stop the nonsense and if she won’t stop harassing you to contact him, give her both barrels.

@MeridasMum (love that name, BTW. A very strong woman with a sense of humour!!)

I would go grey rock on this man - to him, your "D"M and everyone else who tries to drag you into a situation you don't want to be in.

I'm sure you don't mean him Ill, but that doesn't mean you need to shoulder any responsibility for him or allow him any further into your life than he already is. I would just mute/unfollow him as much as possible now I think. 🌹

This man was put into your life through no choice of yours. You don't owe him a relationship and, in my opinion, you have been very kind to someone who sounds like hard work and doesn't bring anything positive to your life.

Thanks you so much to everyone for your input. Although I still struggle with it, I do feel a bit better about my position and I'm not going to change my mind.

To be honest, I won't block him but I won't initiate contact and, if he contacts me, I'll be polite and brief. He is unwell after all.

And, as some have suggested, I won't be discussing this with DM. I've learned my lesson with her!!

My brother has (largely self-inflicted) MH problems. He is 46yrs old and has never worked. My mum doctor-shopped to find a psychiatrist who would get him onto a pension, so he hasn’t had to work, and this psychiatrist has some alarming information on his website. I won’t go into that, but He has treated my brother over the last 20+ years with terrifying psychoactive drugs and all the time he has continued to take illegal drugs as well and lie about it. He treats the private mental hospital as a holiday home. Now that my parents are dead, he has transferred his aggression and entitlement to me. I have had to tell people that I can’t have him in my life and they “feel sorry for him” once they realize what the reality of having him around is like, then try to push responsibility back on me. I have the equivalent of an AVO against him. (Three kids - he’s prone to physical violence and intimidation, etc...) No thank you.
This man is not your responsibility. You are not his sister. Don’t accept guilt trips.

I'm not trying to justify my behaviour

You are! You are trying to give reasons why you shouldn’t be in contact with this man, to make yourself feel like you’ve made the right choice.

You don’t need to do this, this makes your defense weak. People will lock holes in it and counter act your stance.

You don’t need a reason not to have a relationship with this man, you don’t want one, he’s not your relative. You don’t need to justify why not.

I should imagine someone in your mothers position only wants you to befriend him to shoulder some of the responsibility and take that pressure off her - ie she would benefit.

You still don’t have to.

Don’t justify it. Stand by your decision otherwise they will wear you down until you change your mind.

You’re both in a difficult position. I think I would text him and explain that he can text you anytime as you always like hearing from him. Explain things are difficult for you too in a different way, although not comparable degree wise.

You could always try being honest with him and tell him what you're overwhelmed with in your life

I totally agree that you have to put yourself first.

BUT
When you sent these messages to him “thinking of you” “I hope you are ok” and let him call you ‘dis’ then you did show as if you do have some sort of relationship.

This often comes up on MN: send a message, it’s a nice thing to do: that may be but not everyone takes these messages as “it’s just what people say”. When you do have little other life / contact, these are then your main relationships.

OP should not have to have a relationship with her step sibling. But I wish people didn’t send messages like “thinking of you” when they literally forget about you as soon as they press send, and they don’t really want to hear back from you. Because it means they are sending them to make themselves feel good, like they’ve done a nice thing, when in reality it can actually cause more pain.

@DasPepe

I totally agree that you have to put yourself first.

BUT
When you sent these messages to him “thinking of you” “I hope you are ok” and let him call you ‘dis’ then you did show as if you do have some sort of relationship.

This often comes up on MN: send a message, it’s a nice thing to do: that may be but not everyone takes these messages as “it’s just what people say”. When you do have little other life / contact, these are then your main relationships.

OP should not have to have a relationship with her step sibling. But I wish people didn’t send messages like “thinking of you” when they literally forget about you as soon as they press send, and they don’t really want to hear back from you. Because it means they are sending them to make themselves feel good, like they’ve done a nice thing, when in reality it can actually cause more pain.

I do hear what you say, but it's definitely not as simple as that.

People say 'thinking of you' because they are. I didn't immediately forget about him or hope not to hear from him. I wish him the absolute best, no question.

However, he has made it clear he is too sick to message me and that I have to take the lead in all communication. That is too much. It's not what our relationship has been and it's not what I want to do now.

I get it, it can hurt when someone claims to care but doesn't. I don't feel that is the situation here. However, I will definitely consider my own behaviours in this. I appreciate your view, thanks