To not celebrate with DM?

[AmIaboringfart]

Both DM and I have big birthdays next year (both end in 0s) they’re about 4 months apart in date.

I’ve already decided what I want to celebrate mine, a small tea party with my female family members and my best friend plus my DD. Then I’ll probably be taken out for a meal by colleagues as they do for all big birthdays.

That’s fine by me, small affair and move on. I’m not a massive drinker of alcohol and don’t like to be fussed over – in any other year I’d just accept a card and acknowledgements but no party, I’ve not had a party since I was in my teens.

My mum wants a big party, over 100 people (if it’s allowed by then), games, balloons, adult bouncy castles. The works. That’s up to her, and very her in that sense. I’ve said I’ll attend but don’t want to make it a joint celebration, I’d rather celebrate quietly in my own way. I hate being fussed over like that, my mum loves it. We’re just different people and want to celebrate our own ways.

My mums not happy though as she has apparently imagined us celebrating these birthdays together since I was small.

For context: I am paying for my own tea party. Colleagues will all chip in for my meal but buy their own. Mum will pay for her own party too.

AIBU? Or do I just need to suck it up for the sake of one year?

Vote:
YANBU - Celebrate your own way
YABU - Suck it up and make mums party a joint one

Can't you do both?

@VettiyaIruken

Can't you do both?

My mum would expect me to pay for part of the party so I can't afford both, it's one or the other.

Tell your dm that just as she has dreams for her big birthday so too have you for yours.

Jeez, bad enough that she's pressuring you but you have to pay? No way!

YANBU. Just tell her no, you can both do your own things as you like different things. Don’t be guilted into it, just say ‘no thanks’ when she suggests it.

Celebrate how you want to. I sometimes think people who enjoy big noisy parties can’t comprehend that others might want to do something else and might actually not enjoy what they do. You have said you will attend so your DM should accept that, you aren’t spurning her party. Just be careful she doesn’t turn it into a joint celebration on the sly.

It's your birthday you should do what you want.
And she is so cheeky asking you to pay for something you don't want to do!

That's a bit cheeky of her. My DD and I celebrate big birthdays next year a week apart but we are doing some things apart and some together. I want to go away for a few days as a family but I will be paying for this.

Say no but of course go and join in your mum's celebration.

This was DH and FIL a couple of years ago. MIL wanted to do them a joint disco! I politely declined as she then expected me to organise and finance it when I knew neither DH or FIL would want it and I was 8 months pregnant on the day!!! They both had low key family meals on their birthdays (2 months apart!) as they wanted.

Just keep saying no, you are celebrating as you want, and will of course be happy to attend her event.

YANBU

4 months apart! That seems silly of her to expect a joint celebration when the birthdays are so far apart. And of course if it’s not remotely like what you want to do!
Stick to your guns, have a lovely birthday however you want it, and support her doing a party for just herself.

4 months apart? I’d tell her no and keep telling her no. Adult bouncy castles and games? I’d be giving that a swerve.

I’m definantly in the afternoon tea camp.

Four months is quite a wide gap.

Gosh OP I can think of nothing worse, I would just rinse and repeat "no thanks mum".

She can have (and pay for) her dream birthday, and you can have (and pay for) yours.

It's a bit late in the game, but she needs to learn and accept that you aren't an extension of her, a mini-me.

I wouldn't pander to this. You don't have children to fulfill personal dreams.

I' probably go to hers, but dread it, and probably not enjoy.
Sounds like hell on earth!

YANBU.
Mum, you can sort out your own bloody awful party and pay for it yourself as I've already decided what I want for mine.

good luck.

It's not so much that she's dreamed of celebrating your parties together as her expecting you to go along with (and pay for!) the party she's always imagined for herself. If she had asked you if you wanted to do this and you shared ideas as to what you both would like then that's entirely ok. But to plan a ridiculous affair like that, just to suit herself, and expect you to want to be a part of it, and help pay for it, is not on.

Whose birthday is first? Can she afford to tondo the party she wants without you or is she railroading your birthday to get her own party.

It would be a no from me - but much more difficult to manage if hers is first I suspect!

If she wasn't asking you to pay the I'd say just go along with it, pretend to yourself you're just a guest at her party and get more presents. But I wouldn't be paying for a party I didn't want.

If you can't do both, and she's not willing to pay for the party that she wants you to join in with so much then you do your own plan. You should be able to celebrate your own birthday the way you want to.

@LittleOwl153

Whose birthday is first? Can she afford to tondo the party she wants without you or is she railroading your birthday to get her own party.

It would be a no from me - but much more difficult to manage if hers is first I suspect!

Her birthday is first