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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should I except the kind gesture?

70 replies

Bml11 · 27/03/2021 11:08

So, story is I’m currently a SAHM to a 2 and a half year old. My best friend and I have a dream of converting a horse box to a mobile coffee shop. We have spoken about it for ages now. A few weeks ago my partner came in and said he is happy to front the costs and get it up and running ( he is in the building trade so would do most of the work himself) he said if he does this, he wants 25% of the earnings, to which I replied ‘until you’re paid back what you put in yes?’- him - ‘no, I want 25% forever!!’ - I said no way, I don’t want to go to work, start paying my share of all the house bills etc, still prob do all the childcare/ cleaning/ cooking and then give you 25% of my earnings on top! So after him going on about it he said ok.

Anyway, a few days ago I found a receipt on the kitchen side for a horse box. I text him saying ‘you’ve brought a horse box!’ - he said yes, I wanted to wait till Sunday to tell you as that’s when I’m picking it up’ - I was like wow ok thank you so much.

Wednesday night, he’s sat on his phone and said he messaging someone about some stainless steel wrk tops. I asked what for and he said the horse box. So I was like can you just wait because my friend and I haven’t discussed how we would like it set up yet and that was that with that conversation.

Then Thursday rolls around and he said he’s picking it up that night. So that night we have it. He then sits down and tells me he’s going to x and y on the outside and a z in the inside. Again I said hold on this is for me and my friend to design. When he spoke about doing z on the inside I said I don’t know if we want that, he then got shitty with me and said well what do you want the really expensive stuff and I just replied we haven’t even spoken about it yet. So then from him I get - ‘well I’m just going to do it up, if you want to use it you can, if not I’ll sell it and make a few grand’

AIBU and should just let him do his thing or should he be listening to me as my friend and I will be paying him back. I spoke to my dad about the 25% thing, and he said my partner shouldn’t even be asking for the money he puts in back as the money I will be making will be going towards our family anyway.

OP posts:
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 27/03/2021 12:14

I wouldn’t accept it and I’d insist he returned the horse box he bought, explaining you are not looking for investors or anyone expecting a return from your profits.

Would your local council run any start up schemes for small businesses? Mine does.

ChaToilLeam · 27/03/2021 12:16

He’s railroading you and not listening to you. Bad sign.

canigooutyet · 27/03/2021 12:22

Regardless of how you do it, get financial freedom. No adult should have to go cap in hand and beg their partner, regardless of marriage status, for money.

His involvement should have been doing the work and billing the business after the two actual business partners worked on the design etc. And even then you should be free to get invoices from other companies to do the works.

I wonder even when he's finished building will he some how try and also get his cut because he did the unwanted works. If he does, hopefully you both tell him to take you to court.

Wishitsnows · 27/03/2021 12:29

Just because he's getting away with financially abusing you surely it's a bit of a reach even for him to try to extort money from your friend and take profits.

BraveGoldie · 27/03/2021 12:30

OP, overall he sounds too pushy and not listening enough.

However, I do wonder how serious you are about this dream? You said you'd been talking about it a long while.... yet you hadn't decided anything about what you want... and even after he is clearly wanting to get moving, your only answer is you don't know (not wait till Wednesday - I'm going to have a two hour design session with my friend tomorrow).... and now you are contemplating going and getting a normal job and maybe doing it some time later- despite the fact you have an opportunity to accelerate towards your dream right now...

Is he perhaps impatient about hearing lots of vague dreams/ plans and no action - and is finally trying to catapult your dream into reality, by pushing you to the action stage?

dontsaveusername · 27/03/2021 12:33

Is he one of the Dragons, from the Dragons Den?

BlackCatShadow · 27/03/2021 12:42

I think you’re right. It’s probably best for me to go and get a normal job and get my own income going and do this myself.

I think this is a good idea!

brokengate · 27/03/2021 12:43

This is not good op. If you keep it, he is in charge? Then as @Chamomileteaplease said, who is he selling it to? Anyone local and unless you start first he has just set up the competition.

So he's walking all over your dream either way.

airbags · 27/03/2021 12:43

So shat does your friend have to say about this? If I were in her shoes I'd run for the hills. It's one thing that he financially manipulates you but he is trying to do the same to her. Difference is, she doesn't need him.

Sounds like you need to get some financial independence and ability to make your own decisions. If you truly have np money of your own then does that mean that he also gets the child benefit?

ChronicallyCurious · 27/03/2021 12:54

Tell him to fuck off

AnaofBroceliande · 27/03/2021 12:59

You have WAY bigger problems than this mobile coffee business. The top one being you are financially dependent on a non-married partner who is also controlling, stingy and demeaning.

You stated in your OP that you already know once you get working you'll be paying towards things and doing all the lifework.

WTAF?

Let him crack on with the horsebox and sell it.

You need to get a job, a real one, and move on from this controlling bastard.

LannieDuck · 27/03/2021 13:04

Agree that he's taking over the idea and he'll become the boss and you/your friend will become his employees.

Either find a way to get the cash together yourselves, or go into salaried employment for a bit to get some start up capital.

And once you're back in work, make sure you split the housework and childcare 50:50. You're not married to this man, and he's already demonstrated he won't share his earnings, so protect yourself.

LilQueenie · 27/03/2021 13:07

Isnt there a way you could apply for a business grant or something to buy your own horsebox or even search for one cheap to do up. You can add all the upgrades as you progress. Also get a normal job to escape from this twat.

AnaofBroceliande · 27/03/2021 13:24

Just don't engage with him about the horsebox anymore. Let him crack on with it. He'll probably use doing it up as an excuse to do even less than his fair share of the life work but that sounds par for the course in your relationship. He says anything you just say, 'Well, it wasn't discussed with me and so you said you'd do it up and sell it, on you go'.

Do not have anymore kids with this man and start looking for a job.

It's a very bad idea to become financially dependent on a unmarried partner, but even more so with a controlling, mean-spirited person like this.

BlackCatShadow · 28/03/2021 04:29

I think he just sees you as a potential cash cow.

He wants you to do the childcare, housework and pay money towards bills, etc. What do you want, OP?

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 05:15

Tell him to Sell it. He has snuffed the joy and sunshine out of your Dream OP. Flowers

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 28/03/2021 05:29

He sounds horrible

What age are you both?

Your financial set up/childcare arrangements are not fair & reasonable I'd get that dieters for a start.

He's taking over your dream & being a bully.

Are you sure you want to be with him?

He should not have bought a horse box, that was got you & your friend to make a decision in, have the fun of finding one snd designing it.

There are lots of mobile coffee 'vans'. Get talking to people!!! Unless there's an emotional tie to a horse float, it's not necessarily the best choice & definitely not the best choice financially.

As for him wanting 25% forever, it tells you what kind of a man he used & what he thinks if you doesn't ?!

If you stay with him, you need a much better financial arrangement.

ClearMountain · 28/03/2021 05:32

You can't run a business on having to hand 25% over to someone for ever
That’s exactly what happens when someone purchases a share of a business! It’s fairly commonplace for an investor to own part of the business. You and your friend need to set up a business and then the business needs to purchase the horse box from him. I know it sounds silly but it’s a technicality - the business needs to purchase its own assets and you need an accountant to advise. If he’s fitting it out then you do need to talk to him about what’s affordable and legal.

timeisnotaline · 28/03/2021 05:44

@ClearMountain

You can't run a business on having to hand 25% over to someone for ever That’s exactly what happens when someone purchases a share of a business! It’s fairly commonplace for an investor to own part of the business. You and your friend need to set up a business and then the business needs to purchase the horse box from him. I know it sounds silly but it’s a technicality - the business needs to purchase its own assets and you need an accountant to advise. If he’s fitting it out then you do need to talk to him about what’s affordable and legal.
Hmm no you can’t if you are talking about revenues which it sounds like he is.25% of profits perhaps. But not if he’s not even listening to the op and thinks he can tell them what to do and they will just do it then it’s never going to work. Let him sell it on, and get a job independent of him.
HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 28/03/2021 05:50

He sounds like a nightmare frankly. If you have to pay him is he also going to pay you for your childcare services? It's ridiculous. You are supposed to be a family and work together.

Nothingyet · 28/03/2021 05:51

Don't get involved, let him do what he wants and then sell it if he wants. It'll never be yours, you'll end up underpaid skivvies to him. He is probably fantasising about being a business owner. Tell him to fuck off with it.

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 06:05

You'd be working for Him OP 🌸

LongTimeMammaBear · 28/03/2021 07:36

I’m late to the party but I’d not accept this offer at 25% - an surely neither would your friend

Let him fix it up and sell it, getting experience. Do have a look and get iras.

Decide in the future if you want one of hi creations - but with a defined purchase price. In the interim, a job to earn the money to pay for the eventual horse box and other start up costs would be a good ide.

Sportysporty · 28/03/2021 08:14

Yeh fuck that - ltb and get maintenance and a job.

Joinedjustforthispost · 28/03/2021 13:25

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