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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - brothers crimes are mine?

56 replies

guiltybyassociation · 27/03/2021 00:02

I am absolutely raging and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting so would really appreciate some opinions.

Background: 9 years ago my brother and I set up a company (let's call it XYZ Ltd), both of us Directors, with the intention of doing up houses and selling them on. I ended up feeling uncomfortable about it as it felt like a big risk for both of us and so 3 months later I told my brother I wanted out and resigned as a Director. This is all visible at companies house and appears when you google my (relatively unusual) name.

3 years ago my brother was arrested on serious drugs charges (selling). He is currently serving a 10 year sentence.

Fast forward to today; I have a great, hard earnt career that spans over 12 years. I'm highly regarded in my field. I love my brother dearly, but we are completed different people who took completely different paths in life. He is my biggest cheerleader to be honest and regrets his choices massively.

I had a job interview on Thursday with a fairly small company. It went amazing and the CEO pretty much offered me the job at the end of it. All great. Then today, the recruiter phoned me and said that the CEO had just been doing some further research into me and wanted to know more about XYZ Ltd. In 12 years and 4 jobs I have never been asked about this. I knew immediately that the CEO had obviously found something about my brother. I told the recruiter the above, said I felt incredibly uncomfortable at feeling forced to into a corner with it, but I have nothing to hide but she was adamant it was an innocent question and nothing to do with that.

An hour later the CEO rings me, said that he purposely didn't tell the recruiter he knew about my brother because he wanted to see if I would 'Fess up' but now that I had he was willing to forget about it and proceed to an offer.

I am absolutely furious. In my mind I have absolutely nothing to 'fess up' to. I am not my brothers keeper. I feel like it is a complete invasion of privacy and that my private life has been laid out to be judged, and that even if I took the job after all this, my reputation there will always be tainted by it. I'm also concerned that this is going to start a domino effect in the Industry of people associating this with me.

So my AIBU;
Yes - brothers record and my involvement with him make it fair game for an interview
No - complete overstep by the CEO

OP posts:

Palavah · 27/03/2021 00:13

This is different from judging you for your brother's actions. The actions of those with whom you enter into a directorship will have repurcussions for you, and you for them. Company directorships are published for a reason. They are not entirely a private matter.

Lollypop701 · 27/03/2021 00:17

If you were the owner of a business employing a high level employee would you review their history??? It’s standard, he told you it was done so it’s a clean sheet... they didn’t have to say anything but they did. Sounds ok to me

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2021 00:19

The way they've gone about it would make me decline the offer unless i was desperate tbh.

9 years ago you went into business with him, it folded within 3 months.
6 years later he gets arrested on drug crimes.

That clearly has nothing to do with the businessm. But even if they thought it appropriate, the whole asking you to see if you'd confess(?) your brother's crimes as the decider on offering you the job feels really off.

If he asked about XYZ literally all you were obliged to disclose was that it hadn't worked out so you'd left. Why should you have to then tell him your brother's life story from then on?

Ideasplease322 · 27/03/2021 00:33

I think it’s okay to ask about the business relationship - but I don’t like the test to see if you would fess up.

This guy sounds like a bit of an arse and I wonder how he would handle other situations

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/03/2021 01:41

You had a business and family connection to a serious criminal. In some professions they would expect that to be disclosed. I think it will partly depend what the job is. I work in financial services and I would expect something like this to get picked up in the due diligence process. If you have a job where people are relying on your honesty then I do think you have to address the connection.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2021 02:13

He was testing you to "fess up" to your brother's crime... that would seriously piss me off. I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes.

Sansaplans · 27/03/2021 02:20

I guess if your name will be associated with their company they know others might Google and find the same. But the seeing if you would 'fess up' is odd as that info is still out there all the same. I do agree you shouldn't be associated as it's nothing to do with you, your brother's actions are his own. It would make me rethink the offer if that's his attitude tbh.

bastaebasta · 27/03/2021 02:35

It's not that your brother's crimes are yours. It's that someone you chose to go into business with - presumably not just a fellow director, but a fellow shareholder too - turned out to be a criminal. It raises a question about your professional judgement.

You're not being asked about your brother. You're being asked about a former business partner. You're the one making this personal.

MaxiPaddy · 27/03/2021 02:57

I would tread carefully about refusing the offer, even if you are seriously uncomfortable and pissed. Someone who does does this could be of two minds.

He really did just want to make sure who he was investing in, and did it pretty twattishly, or more likely -
He's the type who will take your refusing the offer as admission of guilt that you are involved with your brother, and pass it along the grapevine, poisoning your career.

I know it sucks royally, but if I were you I would take the offer, work the minimum if it's not a great place, and then quietly and quickly move on.

(And no judgment about your brother, I'm in a very similar position).

MaxiPaddy · 27/03/2021 02:58

But I do see other's points about it being about professional judgment, and hope it's part of number 1 gone twattishly.

nettie434 · 27/03/2021 03:25

I'd have thought it was ok to ask you why you resigned as a director of XYZ Limited. However, as there is a gap of about 6 years between you resigning and your brother's conviction, why would the events be connected? It looks as if the CEO did more than check Companies House for information about businesses you were involved in and was actively 'vetting' you for anything that could be viewed as potentially dubious. Presumably, the fact that yours and your brother's name is unusual made it easier for him to find out about the conviction.

Unless you were going for a job which needed additional security clearance, in which case I would have expected you to mention it, then the CEO was unreasonable to expect you to 'fess up'.

I agree that you need to have a reply ready about resigning the directorship but I wouldn't expect you to need to mention your brother's conviction unless you are becoming a High Court Judge, spy etc. I'd tell the Miss Marple Wannabee that I'd be looking for something else.

Foolingaround · 27/03/2021 03:26

It doesn’t sound as if it’s a standard check for a high security position, I don’t understand why so much personal information is published by company house-its a stalker’s dream.

I wouldn’t take the position unless I was desperate -I’m not keen on people who set traps for others to test them.

Your brother and his behaviour have nothing to do with your career.

Willowkins · 27/03/2021 03:33

The way I see this is that the CEO set you a test to see how honest you were and whether you could be trusted. You passed. Congratulations.
However it sounds like now it's you who has trust issues with the CEO. What would it take for you to move past this?

Monty27 · 27/03/2021 03:51

OP it's awful to be tarred with a brush that was your DBs misdemeanor.
You're honesty has been accepted by your new employer.
Get on with your life and I wish you the best.
I hope dB can do the same eventually. 👍🏼

Monty27 · 27/03/2021 03:53

I don't see it as a trap OP.
I see it as normal HR procedures.

Foolingaround · 27/03/2021 04:05

This sort of game playing is not normal in any business I have been involved in.

PeggyHill · 27/03/2021 04:42

I don't think there's anything wrong with them digging around. That information was in the public domain and you sound like a high level employee.

What I would object to is the way he's gone about it all. From what you've said here he sounds like a bit of a wanker and I wouldn't want to work for him. He's made you not trust him and you haven't even taken the job yet. Not a great start to a working relationship. However, I don't know your financial situation. If you really need this job then I would still take it. If you can afford to wait then I would turn down the offer and look for something else.

LampsOn · 27/03/2021 05:16

I totally understand why you're uncomfortable here. It's totally normal for someone to do a background check but to test you like that and use that language (as though you're responsible for your brother's crime) is jarring.
I think the ceo has shown their true colours. I would think twice whether I would want to work for someone like this - are they going to behave like this at work? It would leave a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.

LampsOn · 27/03/2021 05:20

...also, interviews are also for you to get to know the culture of the place you are going to work. You will be spending a significant proportion of your like at work, it's important that you work somewhere where their culture aligns to your values.

LampsOn · 27/03/2021 05:21

*life

PrincessPea11 · 27/03/2021 06:15

I can see why they may have asked, depending on the job, as others have pointed out. However, the behaviour of the CEO would be offputting to me. You've explained the circumstances and have nothing to 'fess up'. You were not implicated in the crime. I'd take the job if beneficial to your CV or prospects, but probably keep an eye on other opportunities.

If it's only for a sideways change or a slightly shorter commute or something, I might be tempted to decline as it is a small company and the CEO has shown himself to be quite underhand and immature.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2021 06:39

It’s a smallish company and the CEO is protecting it as one wrong influence could have devastating effects. The fess up comment was awful. However, if you had a really good feel for the company and it’s beneficial to you, would you consider taking the job with a view to moving on in a couple of years once you’ve gained the experience you were looking for? If it works out and the comment was poorly worded, you could obviously stay longer. Otoh if the job you’re in still leaves room for growth, maybe this isn’t the place for you?

Original poster

guiltybyassociation · 27/03/2021 06:43

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I was really hoping for the majority to say I was BU as I do really really want to take this job and find a way to move past this.

I hadn't really appreciated that my old connection with my brother would be so fair game though. I've obviously got lucky with my previous employers (I needed a DBS for my current role which I did actually wonder if would flag anything about my brother's conviction but didn't). So if nothing else I'm much more prepared for the future.

It's the 'fessing up' that really sticks in my throat (and I'm glad it doesn't sound like I'm being too over sensitive on that), although having slept on it, I do wonder if it could have been just very poor phrasing from him.

I'm going to speak to him again Monday morning, not about this specifically, but just to gauge whether it really is now done and forgotten about.

OP posts:

curiouslypacific · 27/03/2021 06:44

I think his approach was wrong BUT I also don't think you're being punished or held accountable for your brother's crimes. He did his due diligence and checked you out - he found that you had business ties to a convicted criminal so asked to clarify this. That piece is reasonable and given the whole furore at reddit recently, I can see why employers might suddenly start googling potential employees right now and checking out possible red flags...

The whole 'you passed the test' thing is another matter though - I'd be unhappy with his approach. If that's a dealbreaker for you, fair enough, but I'd probably talk to him and explain why you felt it was unreasonable. If he apologises and agrees to address any concerns with you directly in future, great, if not, well you probably just got a great big insight into your working life if you accept the job...

curiouslypacific · 27/03/2021 06:46

Ooops x-post

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