Was being in love/seeing someone easier in the 90s? (if you had prospective partners then so you know rather than imagining))

[me4real]

Tate McRae has a new song out where she says being in love/seeing someone was somehow easier in the 90s. (She's only 17 so she wouldn't know.)

I don't think that being in love/seeing someone was any easier then. What's your opinion on? (If you were actually there and seeing prospective boyfriends.) Obviously if you weren't there or seeing people then, you can comment but you don't actually know for sure because you weren't there.

I'm 44 so I was 13-23ish in the 90s or something. (Birthday is 1st Feb.)

YABU - it was easier YANBU- it wasn't any easier

I can see the arguments why people might think it was easier maybe- no online dating etc.

It was different, but no I wouldn't say it was easier.

I agree it was different as there was no social media or dating apps.
I don't know if it was easier though. Hard to tell

I'm glad there was no social media when I was dating in the 90s! Or mobile phones for much of the era.

My boyfriend at the time wrote me letters.
He even had a pager before mobiles were a thing!

As someone who was born in 1975, I thinking’s probably has more pitfalls and more to navigate in someways than before.

Think there’s more pitfalls round social media. Worst we really had was how quickly to phone someone back etc. Bit anxiety producing and lots of unspoken etiquette.

And then there are things around how easy it is for nude photos etc to be taken which wasn’t as big an issue.

I do think the most serious thing is probably the rise of porn use though. It creates a lot of expectations around what sex will be like.

It definitely caused a change in attitudes & expectations that was noticeable in the late 90s and early 00s as internet access increased.

It’s a combination of more extreme acts being normalised/expected and also people having more of a script/film in their head rather than being present in the moment with the person they are with. More performative, less interactive.

And also people who just can’t really have a proper sex life or relate to another human being because of porn desensitisation.

Someone recently told me a definition of porn they’d heard which made a lot of sense to me. Basically pornography involves someone being humiliated. And I think that has crept into attitudes a lot in an unconscious way (so not in the same way as people who consciously seek humiliation as part of sex and set appropriate boundaries).

Some of these things will sort themselves out to an extent over time e.g. kids who grew up with social media seem a lot more savvy and realistic about it.

But the impact of porn does worry me a bit.

I do think the most serious thing is probably the rise of porn use though. It creates a lot of expectations around what sex will be like.

@MiniMork I had a boyfriend in 1996 who when I said I didn't want to do anal said 'that means you're repressed.' He hadn't seen any internet porn at all. The 'sexual revolution' in the 60s worked in men's favour in a lot of ways. Women thought they had to do everything or they were uptight. It became a new way/ extra element to coercing women.

It's true that porn has maybe taken it to a whole other level as perhaps men get more obsessed with getting what gives them that thrill.

One of my exes found it hard to come without watching porn, but then he had health problems. We do hear of stuff like that fairly often on here I suppose.

I think you're maybe right that porn often involves a bit of dominance/submission and humiliation even when it isn't overtly BDSM.

And a good point about revenge porn.

Having watched freely available porn with DH ( we have occasionally used it over the years) it presents sex in a weird, staged way. That is to say funny positions purely to achieve good camera angle rather than good sex.
Also this weird practice of man withdrawing just before ejaculation, again, all to do with the camera and not good sex. I don’t know many men who like to finish outside.
The mainstream porn available in the 90s was cheesy and pretty much straight sex. It meant you explored sex rather than mimicked porn.

With regards to relationships in the 90s, we didn’t have text so you had to talk to your DP you couldn’t dump them by text or for that matter conduct most of your relationship via phone. DH and I rarely contact each other by text it’s just doesn’t seem natural. In fact to conduct a long distant relationship you either spent hours on the phone or wrote letters.

I was 18 - 28 in the 90s.

From the perspective of someone who's been in a relationship for the past 21 years and has no knowledge whatsoever of dating these days, it seems like the 90s were easier.

All the crazy stuff I did back then isn't plastered all over the internet, any photos that were taken had only one copy which was in my possession and safely destroyed when I chose to do so, no chance of them finding a wider audience.

Porn was obviously around and I remember lots of boys being a bit obsessed with it but there seemed to be a greater understanding that it wasn't real and wasn't generally expected to be replicated in the real world.

From what I've read on here, OLD seems to be really quite brutal and transactional these days. Though I don't know if that's really any different to some of the meat market clubs which were around back then.

But actually being in love, finding someone and navigating a relationship can't have changed can it? (pandemic excepted!)

I've got two DDs late teens - I think it's harder now than in the 90s. I think they also miss out on a lot of potential meetings with partners. All this online dating is generally based on what someone looks like, so you see their photo then swipe or whatever. There seems to be less chance meetings face to face in bars/clubs (even pre covid).

We were more likely to get chatting at the bar, whilst ordering a drink for example, possibly think "not really my type", but engage in conversation and discover that actually they're really funny and you've plenty to say. You don't get that chance with online stuff.

I did most of my dating in the late 80’s. I was quite wild for a time and slept with quite a few men. I was never asked for anal, things like choking were so far off the radar, I also wasn’t expected to be shaved down there! It was easier to meet guys because no online dating meant you had to actually talk to each other at the pub or whatever. Otherwise you were staying single! Once you did meet someone you clicked with, you actually properly dated. None of this “Netflix and chill” stuff! (so many men now seem to think that’s an adequate first date!) Cheating happened of course, but it wasn’t so “easy” because of things like mobile phones, dating sites etc not existing. People weren’t always keeping an eye out for the next new/better person. Or at least if they were it took work! It wasn’t just swipe right!

I miss it a lot. In fact I miss it so much that I now won’t date at all. I’ve tried but modern expectations are too much for me. I’ve sat there while my supposed partner was busy texting other women. It’s shit. I’m tired of all the sex talk and expectations around sex. Even men my age have been swept up in it all (I suppose because it benefits them!). I’m done with it.

@Meruem Yep that's true about the shaving. I went rad fem and gave most stuff like that up- if I do start seeing someone and they have an issue with it they can bugger off.

I’ve sat there while my supposed partner was busy texting other women.

Ugh! I think we maybe get better boundaries and put up with less as we get older hopefully. Once we find out what's going on for sure of course. I like to think I'd have no qualms about binning someone now if they acted out of line.

Hardly anyone had mobile phones and social media was non existent. It meant there wasn’t this constant expectation to be in touch 24/7. It also meant people couldn’t build up a false picture of themselves. There is also this candy shop mentality of so many people being just looked at coupled with being judged on looks only. I’m glad I’m older as online dating sounds shit.

I was 20 in 1990 so no mobile phones, mainly you would meet people down the pub and snog them, first date done!

Usually they were friends of friends, or you had to get their land line numbers and hope they were in. Met a few through work too, illicit fumbling in the stock rooms etc!!

It was all very spontaneous because of course there was no OLD.

It also meant people couldn’t build up a false picture of themselves.

@Ikora IDK I think some people have always made shit up or given a misleading impression of themselves. In the past we didn't have access to as much information to weigh up the likelihood of what they said maybe. But true that people couldn't create fake stuff to back up their lies as much.

It also meant people couldn’t build up a false picture of themselves.
Yes, they could. That hasn't changed. It may be easier now, but they definitely can and did back in the 90's.

It wasn't any easier in the 90's, it was just difficult in different ways.

I'm not dating now, my husband wouldn't approve. But I think it was loads easier back in my day. To start with, we could go on dates to public places, not just a fucking walk. We could see how the person interacted in a group setting. Even pre covid, with online dating you knew nothing about their history as a human being. In my town, pretty much everyone I ever snogged knew someone I knew. They probably also knew I had a brother built like a brick outhouse!
Now husband and I had a massive friendship group in common before we even started dating. There was an awkward phase where he was flatmates with the woman who had been fucking my ex before ex and I broke up, but I still think that beats knowing nothing about a person and not having any references!

My day was the 90s, btw!

No mobile phones is a big difference I think. Someone would ask for your number in a club etc and it would be scribbled on a beer mat. There was no contact between arranging dates, apart maybe from a pre-arranged time to ring to chat. If the relationship finished you would both just disappear without trace! and you'd just have to get over it. No following on social media etc. I would've absolutely hated all that, I think that part of it is harder.

I'm late 40's.
I started seeing my 1st H in the early 90's.
I started seeing my late-DH in the early 2010's.
I started seeing my current DP in the late
2010's.

I haven't found any of it easier or harder really.
Internet dating has made introductions more accessible, but I met 1st H at uni so lots of potential for introductions at that point for me.
None of them had any interest in porn (or said they didn't and no indications they did).
I haven't changed my hair removal (armpits & lower legs), make up (I don't wear any), sexual activities to suit any of them over the years.

I went from 15 to 25 in the 90s. From school girl crushes to marriage.

I have no experience of dating now so I don’t know which is easier but I think it was easier then.
As far as straight relationships went men were out to please women, especially in bed. There was very little porn so expectations were realistic.
No texting or social media meant you could take us slow and not expect constant messages.

I'm 48. A friend my age was dating a younger man a few years back and said her partner was really surprised that she had public hair!

My friend informed me that it's all about the Brazilian these days.

Is this true? Must you be shaved, plucked and sporting a completely hairless body these days?

Not public hair, damned predictive text

I think all human relationships in general were easier before social media :

That lovely lady that bakes in choir?
She has far right views that you'd never know about without Facebook

One of your dearest friends voted oppositely to you in the EU ref?

You'd never know without Facebook

So much Competitive Lifestyle Bragging and Competitive Parenting getting you down ?

You'd never know without Facebook

That guy you've met for a few dates who seems lovely? His mates post some misogynistic things to his wall but you wouldn't have doubts if not for Facebook.

To start with, we could go on dates to public places, not just a fucking walk.

@Love51 I don't mean during corona, just in general, 2010s/2020s, whatever. Ignore the Corona year. :)

Even pre covid, with online dating you knew nothing about their history as a human being. In my town, pretty much everyone I ever snogged knew someone I knew. They probably also knew I had a brother built like a brick outhouse!

That would still be the same if you dated in that small a town I think. Maybe more so as even if someone didn't know the person IRL they might've known of them online. I could be wrong IDK.

If the relationship finished you would both just disappear without trace! and you'd just have to get over it. No following on social media etc.

@Fleamaker123 True, maybe we were able to get over someone faster, because we wouldn't be able to keep looking at their profiles etc. Though of course if you had mutual friends/acquaintances you might still hear about them.

I haven't changed my hair removal (armpits & lower legs), make up (I don't wear any), sexual activities to suit any of them over the years.

@Chasingsquirrels Good for you.

My friend informed me that it's all about the Brazilian these days. Is this true? Must you be shaved, plucked and sporting a completely hairless body these days?

@middleager I think most of them expect it. I even had a brief lesbian relationship a couple of years ago and she nagged and got me to do it. I wouldn't bother again though, they can take it or leave it. I don't like receiving oral so its not like they can use that reason for wanting me to be shaven (and people weren't bothered by that in the past.)

I think it was probably harder to start things because youhad to ring someone up or write them a letter or actually talk to them face-to-face. But without social media, it was a lot easier to move on from things because once they were gone, they were gone.