To change mind about forgiving someone?

[sarah8484]

Has anyone ever changed their mind about forgiving someone?

If someone hurt you and you forgave them at the time but you've changed your mind that's absolutely ok and normal

Yeh some things can’t be forgiven even if you try.

I've thought things were unforgivable but eventually people can redeem themselves. I keep a "death list" of people who have wronged me in ways I can't see myself ever forgiving them, but there are a couple of people who have changed and genuinely been remorseful and (most importantly) made tangible reparations.

That's why I think you shouldn't rush your plans for revenge, it is a dish best served ice cold.

I fell out with a friend several months ago and initially thought that I’d leave things a couple of weeks to cool down before trying to smooth things over and make up. But the longer we haven’t spoken for, the less inclined I feel to do so, and now think I probably won’t at all - and perhaps that’s just how life is sometimes. But I don’t harbour any kind of ill-feeling, and I don’t think they have anything to ask forgiveness for as such.

I find the broader idea of holding grudges and forgiveness a bit strange, to be honest. It’s very imbalanced, the person who did whatever you think they did wrong has probably long since forgotten about you and whatever they did and is merrily getting on with life, so the only person wasting their time and energy dwelling on it and hashing about how angry you are is you. That seems to me like a terribly pointless exercise, which only negatively impacts you.

I agree completely. For years I was angry about an ex friend's actions when they couldn't care less. Holding on to past grievances has no benefits.

I think forgiveness is overrated, I don't really understand the principle of needing to do it for yourself rather than the other person - maybe I'm just a grudge holder!

I think it's perfectly fine to forgive and then reanalyse. Some behaviour warrants it. Do you want to tell them you dont forgive anymore?

OP I don't know where you are going with this

But my way of thinking is the same as Taylor Swift.

You don't have to forgive or forget to move on, you can just move on without either of those things happening.

My boyfriend and I of 13 years separated briefly for 3 months. During those 3 months he got someone else 15 years his junior pregnant. He never did anything wrong because we were separated and he was a single man. He broke up with the woman then we rekindled. I said i could move past it and we have been getting on ok. But i will always have a reminder of what he did in the form of his and her child. He's going to support them both which i am supportive of and want him and encourage him too do but im sad about the whole situation. Im angry he got in that situation. He thinks were ok but im so bitter towards him. I cant sleep, I can't eat. We have our own children which played a huge part in trying to make it work but I regret it already. I can't help him raise another child thats not ours. Its just a messed up situation and my head and heart are hurting like ive never felt hurt before

Am i wrong to say I can't continue with the relationship even though he thinks were ok and im ok with it in reality im really struggling to come to terms with it all?

" I cant sleep, I can't eat"

Ah. I don't think this is about forgiveness. Forget nebulous theoretical shit and think about how you'd like life to go on, realistically.

@sarah8484

Am i wrong to say I can't continue with the relationship even though he thinks were ok and im ok with it in reality im really struggling to come to terms with it all?

X post

No

You can end a relationship if you want it to end.

@AcornAutumn id like life to go on as normal like it was before he had another child on the way. But it's not going to happen. I would never say me or the child. I want my children to have a happy healthy relationship with their new sibling but I can't have a happy healthy relationship with my boyfriend with this huge new change in our relationship. Or at this very moment in time. I can't see me ever being ok with it.

[quote sarah8484]@AcornAutumn id like life to go on as normal like it was before he had another child on the way. But it's not going to happen. I would never say me or the child. I want my children to have a happy healthy relationship with their new sibling but I can't have a happy healthy relationship with my boyfriend with this huge new change in our relationship. Or at this very moment in time. I can't see me ever being ok with it.[/quote]
I did say realistically....so which is better, life with or without?

No judgement either way, just saying that's the choice.

I'm so sorry

You can't forgive him, because he hasn't actually done anything that needs forgiveness. He was very stupid not to be careful about contraception, and you will need to decide if you can live with a man who has a child with someone else

Yanbu.

I'm sorry this such a difficult position to be in. This isn't about forgiveness, it is about being completely hurt. He was single but three months isn't very long at all, and your relationship was over a decade long, included children and wasn't completely over but was obviously having difficulties before this happened.

I would suggest relationship counselling if you want to stay, but if I'm honest I would just think of this as the end.

Not forgiving someone for something harmful they did is not the same thing as bearing a grudge. People who bear a grudge are still invested in the relationship, cant let go and wont move on.

He never did anything wrong because we were separated and he was a single man.

But i will always have a reminder of what he did in the form of his and her child.

Only you can say if you want to be with him now, but in your own words, he didnt do anything wrong at all

I agree this isn’t about forgiveness.

This is just about you telling him that you can’t live with the practical consequences of his actions. It’s not about him sleeping with her any more.

But I would say you are wrong that a man on ‘a break’ of such a short length from the mum of his children is blameless. Condoms are important for all single men, for a lot of reasons. That whole ‘other baby’ thing is still a sign of immaturity and ‘fucking up lots of people’s lives’ in my book. Not just some oopsy due to unfortunate timing.

Feel free to say ‘ this doesn’t work for me’ and leave the issue in his hands.

I agree with you, I couldn't look past this either to be honest.

You were together for over a decade and have children, break up for a few months and he hops into bed with someone else and gets her pregnant. So that child will always be in your life now if you stay with him.

Some people can do that, some people make great step parents and I fully admire them for that. But it's something I would struggle with to be honest.

It's fully up to you if you can. It's not really about forgiveness, but about how you can handle the situation. If you can't, that's fine. The last thing you want to be doing though is making a child feel unwelcome and they will pick up on that.

I couldn't get past that. You can still forgive him and end the relationship, though.

FWIW I'd find it hard to have any respect for a man who comes out of one relationship and immediately makes another woman pregnant. It's very disrespectful to her to change her life in that way, just for the sake of not wearing a condom.

This woman is 15 years his junior? She must be very young.

I couldn't get past it myself, but it's a decision only you can really make. You can support your DC in a relationship with him and the new baby without being in a relationship with him.

I couldn’t get past that

He moved on, and now has a child.

I don’t think I’d get over that, though it’s nothing to do with forgiveness.

“ I cant sleep, I can't eat. We have our own children which played a huge part in trying to make it work but I regret it already”

You can’t make yourself be with him for the sake of your kids. Your kids would probably suffer more if you had a rocky relationship than if you go your separate ways.

He may not have done anything wrong, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to continue the relationship.

When someone makes a fundemental change to their life, as he has, then there are repercussions on their relationships around them.

Walk away for your own sake.