To not really be interested in other people?

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I recently started a new job alongside another colleague, so we are both new members of the team. My colleague is constantly asking lots of questions to us all when making conversation and I just don't understand how she thinks up the questions or has the energy/inclination to ask them. I never really thought that I wasn't interested in hearing about other people but I have started to wonder.

For example, one of my colleagues brought up she was from up North and moved down. My colleague then asked lots of follow up questions like how far away is it, how often do you go back, do you miss it, what do you miss most, how does it compare to here, do you think you'll ever move back, etc. Don't get me wrong I would ask one or two of those kind of questions in response to sound polite but I wouldn't be trying to get a detailed picture of how my colleague feels about their move? I'm just not interested, as bad as that sounds.

But in group conversations I join in when it's on different topics, I find it more interesting than constantly asking questions to someone. But I don't know, I just feel like maybe I'm just not interested in other people and their lives which makes me feel like a horrible person.

Is anyone else like this? Or do you find people fascinating and want to ask them lots of questions on, for example, why they moved, why they're a vegetarian, etc.

Your colleague sounds a bit over the top, but then I think a certain amount of getting on and passing the time of day with people is part of most jobs. There's a balancing act.

I'm not a hugely sociable person, but I find it creates a bad atmosphere at work if you're stuck with colleagues who make it clear they have zero interest in forming positive relationships with their team.
For all I'm sure they think 'I'm here to work not make friends', the people like this I've worked with have typically failed to realise that their poor interpersonal skills actually affect their ability to do their work well and it undermines the overall cohesion of the team. They're also, in my experience, quick to complain that they're being excluded when people stop making much of an effort with them, or others in the team pitch an idea in a meeting that came up when they were marking one evening /talking on duty.

It could be that she actually has social anxiety or just anxiety in general. When you have all that adrenaline from anxiety sometimes it comes across as an energy boost when really its extreme nervousness. I have quite severe social anxiety and unless im medicated im in two modes- Avoid people completely/no eye contact/not engaging at all or ask questions/pretend to be very interested

A few unintrusive questions are OK, I try to show some interest in other people, especially if I'm struggling to think of things to say.

I can't bear people who show no interest in others at all, just wait for them to finish speaking (or don't even wait in some cases) so they can start/continue talking about themselves.

Yeah absolutely OP, it's always fascinated me how some people are just really good at that kind of stuff. Tbf they're usually very well liked as well but I can never be arsed, wouldn't even know where to start with that kind of small talk

I'm like this. I'm interested in my close circle of friends and family, partner etc but find it difficult with other people. I have a small talk script that I go through in this situation so not to come across as rude

I am interested in others but at the same time, I cant stand being jabbered at about pointless crap.

Yes I get it. I absolutely hate mindless small talk with people I don't know well. The worst is in parent and toddler groups, trying to force yourself to be appear interested when you just want to scream " go away".

I find that the older I get, the less I have to say. This:

the boring, inane questions about TV, clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup , zelebs, what they did at the weekend, etc

would drive me bananas. I have zero interest in any of the above. When I worked at a desk-based office job the topic of 'what I watched on the TV last night' was tortuous. Plus how in the hell do they ever get any work done?

This third-degree thing to try to draw others out isn't something I've often come across. Sometimes happens in my work place, when we are invited for 'KiT' ugh!) meetings with our LMs and asked to talk about the state of our mental wellbeing during the COVID epidemic. My idea of hell. I'm not going to sit there drivelling about myself to a LM who I don't trust in the slightest anyway. 'Yes, I'm fine thanks'. Silence. Seriously, it's awful.

One good way of deflecting others' attention on ourselves is to get them talking about themselves. I usually find that's not difficult.

@UhtredRagnarson

I don’t give a shit but I ask questions so they talk about themselves rather than ask me questions

I like this one.

Op I’m hard to have a conversation with because I won’t ask a question unless I’m genuinely interested in knowing the answer. And I can’t listen to drivel unless it’s a fruitful conversation which I can learn from.

Ultimately I don’t give a crap about other people because I’m really content with my my life as it is and the two very close friendships I have.

However my partner is one of those that has the ability to strike up a conversation with anyone and anything (even a brick wall).

Over the years it’s (he) taught me it’s good to be able to have that skill (it really is a skill!!) so like this poster said, I’ve learnt to just ask a shit load of questions without giving anything away. But I only do that if I know I have to spend more than 5 mins with a person.

And from this I’ve also learnt people really love talking about themselves. Annoyingly this then makes people like you and makes people want to be your friend. I’m still working on the bit where I can ask questions but make a person understand I don’t want it to go any further.

I’m not a particularly nosey or chatty person so I don’t tend to be very interested either. If people want to offer up information then that’s fine but I usually don’t follow it up expecting more from them.

I’m very interested in people but would hope that I don’t interrogate anyone. It’s about the level of engagement between people in a conversation that leads to closeness. If one party isn’t interested then it remains a more distant relationship which is fine.

Usually these things evolve over a long time. I still regularly learn very interesting and relevant facts about my friends after many years. It’s fascinating and rewarding but definitely a two way street.

If people aren’t interested in listening to other people’s lives and experiences, or talking about their own, why do they come on MN, read and respond to threads?

If people aren’t interested in listening to other people’s lives and experiences, or talking about their own, why do they come on MN, read and respond to threads?

Because I don't know them and they don't know me. Because they're not going to sit incessantly babbling into my earhole when I'm trying to work, and because I can turn them off at will.

More serious points is that some members of this site are genuine victims of abuse and I've had similar experiences that might help others. Sometimes, also, I've needed support of my own because of this. There are also political issues, relating to the real struggles faced by women in a world sometimes set against our interests; this site can give us tools, even small ones, to fight this.

Mumsnet does have some good, kind and genuinely knowledgeable members.

@LibertyMole

If people aren’t interested in listening to other people’s lives and experiences, or talking about their own, why do they come on MN, read and respond to threads?

That's the thing, I am interested in hearing about other people's lives. I find it fascinating and am constantly Googling random things about different religions, cultures, subcultures, etc.

From reading the responses to this thread I think my title is a little inaccurate. I do have an interest in people, it's just I personally don't seem to show that interest through asking question and question in conversations. I guess I have been brought up to think that would be being nosey and obtrusive.

I was prompted to start this thread after spending the week working closely with a colleague who asks lots of questions about everything someone brings up in conversation, down to the smallest little things I have no desire to ask further questions about. For example, when a colleague mentioned they lived in X town I just thought oh that's interesting and mentioned something about the town, whilst my colleague then went on to ask lots of questions - how long does it take them to get here, do they experience much traffic, which roads do they take, how does the commute time affect their morning/evening routines, are there options to take public transport or do they have to drive, are they planning on moving closer, etc. I will politely ask a few follow up questions but it wouldn't even cross my mind to ask those kinds of questions.

So you can probably understand from that why many people want to have conversations with other people!

I’m in a job where I have to ask a lot of intrusive questions so when it comes to out of work interactions, unless you’ve done something really cool that I’m interested in, IDGAF to ask anybody too much about anything really.

Years ago I used to work with somebody who, when asked if they'd had a nice weekend, responded with "I don't discuss my personal life"...

I am reasonably certain that this woman actually finds social interaction a bit difficult/is a bit anxious about it and is overusing the very common advice to ask other people questions about themselves as a way round this (possibly not even overusing it that much, if other people are generally responding warmly).

I always find people who loftily declare themselves just too cerebral for small talk (not OP, but lots of them on this thread!) amusing - they are never as clever or deep as they think they are. Contrary to MN self-declared introvert belief, hating other people and visibly showing this doesn't make you special, it just makes you rude.

I ask questions to new colleagues just so they feel that I'm approachable and friendly, rather than actually being interested in the slightest! It's just polite. Plus I've had years of 'you're too quiet so I think I've just learned that I need to talk to be accepted I don't really have a care about someone I barely know.