To not really be interested in other people?

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I recently started a new job alongside another colleague, so we are both new members of the team. My colleague is constantly asking lots of questions to us all when making conversation and I just don't understand how she thinks up the questions or has the energy/inclination to ask them. I never really thought that I wasn't interested in hearing about other people but I have started to wonder.

For example, one of my colleagues brought up she was from up North and moved down. My colleague then asked lots of follow up questions like how far away is it, how often do you go back, do you miss it, what do you miss most, how does it compare to here, do you think you'll ever move back, etc. Don't get me wrong I would ask one or two of those kind of questions in response to sound polite but I wouldn't be trying to get a detailed picture of how my colleague feels about their move? I'm just not interested, as bad as that sounds.

But in group conversations I join in when it's on different topics, I find it more interesting than constantly asking questions to someone. But I don't know, I just feel like maybe I'm just not interested in other people and their lives which makes me feel like a horrible person.

Is anyone else like this? Or do you find people fascinating and want to ask them lots of questions on, for example, why they moved, why they're a vegetarian, etc.

To clarify- I only ask questions if I can sense the person is the chatty kind who will want to fill the silence. Personally I’m happy with silence. If I don’t get the chatty vibe I leave them in peace.

Some people are good at connecting with other people, some people aren't. Like a PP said, professionally it's a very useful skill to have if you want to get on in your career.

I worry that I ask too many questions because I am not good at chit chat and talking about myself . I am amazed too at how other people love to talk about themselves in great detail even when I don't ask showing absolutely no interest in others .

@GreenWheat

Some people are good at connecting with other people, some people aren't. Like a PP said, professionally it's a very useful skill to have if you want to get on in your career.

This! What a load of miseries on this thread.

I guess it depends on how interesting the person was, that sounds awful doesn't it . Some people do come across as very boring and I lose interest in talking to them quickly and others who either come across as more interesting or have had what sounds like an interesting time I'd be more keen to find out more.

As for all those questions your colleague asked, depends on the time period. It seems a lot for one after another in a single conversation.

I am definitely the question asker in this situation! I just find other people fascinating! I’ve got to say it’s opened a lot of doors and created a lot of opportunities too. For example, asking someone about what they do in their spare time has led to invitations to events or activities that I would never otherwise have experienced. I do genuinely really enjoy conversation and learning about other people though - wouldn’t do it otherwise!

I love chit chat!! It's IMO vital life skill. It's how I network with staff, clients, neighbours, other parents. Everyone and anyone!!. It helps I generally, genuinely find most people quite interesting. DH is exactly the same. We're very sociable anyway but professionally it's necessary at our career level to be able to build client relationships quickly.
I have a list of names of acquaintances and a reminder on my phone i.e Helen, Freya, Cornwall. So if I run into Helen again, I don't forget her name and I can ask how Freya is doing at school and did they enjoy Cornwall.
Questions are a good way to show interest and see if you have a common ground. There's a difference between quick fire interview and enquiries leading to an organic conversation. The conversation has to be relevant to that person and you have to be sensitive to when it's comfortable end it. A quick positive chat is often better especially if you get the busy vibes. I'm thinking from this thread I'm a bit of a weirdo but most people seem to like us 😜

I'm interested in people too and there are obvious cues if people don't want to answer and then I stop asking questions. I tend to presume eavesdroppers can go away if it's not interesting!

I'm fascinated by people and love to know about their background and all sorts of things. We talk about all kinds of things at work and I love getting to know new starters.

The few times we've been on holidays to hotels where you see the same people round the pool every day I've been making up stories about them in my head which I will then relay to my husband who thinks I'm nuts!

I totally understand that others aren't like this though. I do have a lot of friends though and find it very easy to make new ones so maybe it shows people that I'm interested in them.

Just to add to the above, it isn't just people with me. It's my general surroundings. If my husband is a passenger in the car when I drive he looks at his phone or chats. If I'm the passenger then I'm looking all around me at things I miss when I'm driving and saying to him 'have you never noticed this before ' 🤣

I am very interested in people and genuinely find then fascinating.
I am not good at questions though, I was reared by a mother from a place where direct questions are considered rude.
Did you have a good weekend? is fine because it's general and they can give a one word answer or loads of details.
Why did you move? how do you feel about it? not fine too direct and personal.
Obviously I could ask those questions of friends in a one-on-one conversation but not with new colleagues in a group.
Sometimes I think I come across as self absorbed as I tend to talk about things in my life in work to be on the safe side, I am interested in people talking about theirs I just don't want to be intrusive.
I have noticed that vagueness is good in work situations, so asking general questions to show interest but avoiding directly personal to show your not Mrs Marple

Another thought on this subject. Is it not what you've been used to growing up? My mam is the most friendly person. I went shopping with her last week and she talks to everyone from the men collecting the trolleys to the people stacking shelves to other customers. Everyone responded favourably. It's just nice to be pleasant to people.

I'm not quite as outgoing as her but I try to follow her example and show interest in others. She always taught me that people like to talk about themselves so ask questions.

This woman sounds like the newsreader, Victoria something who was in I'm a celebrity last year. I thought she was absolutely fascinating and brought such an open dynamic to the group, the show was undoubtedly more interesting because of the way she asked questions and extracted stories from everyone.

I think it is normal to find out whether you have common ground with new colleagues etc, either in terms of your lives or (which will emerge during conversation) your personalities. It may be that your colleague herself has moved from somewhere else, is missing it and wondering if she will ever move back.

Obviously you can't be talking incessantly at work, but I have never remained long in an environment where everyone is just there to work silently with no sense of community.

My DM tells me stories constantly about what people she knows have been doing. ‘Pat from the club - her daughter is using her as unpaid childcare. Their daughter is taking an exam for a grammar school and is very bright....’ this was from yesterday’s phone conversation. I listen but think I really don’t care about these people. I don’t know them. I’m not interested. It’s like when someone says they know ‘someone who has done x, y, z’ Unless I know the person, I’m just not interested.

Thank you for your replies, I was worried you would all think I was a horrible person for just not being interested enough in people to ask all these questions.

I really enjoy chatting with my colleagues when it's on some kind of common ground - for example, how lockdown has affected us or our opinions on a news story. I just don't like to delve into people's lives. For example, I would ask a colleague how they found the move and how they find the new area but I wouldn't ask them how they feel about moving as I worry that's too personal and potentially upsetting if they aren't happy with the move.

My colleague just asks lots of questions one after the other, questions I wouldn't even think of asking but people respond really positively and warmly to her and like opening up so I wondered maybe she has the right approach and I'm too reserved.

Another example is when a particular area came up in conversation I mentioned I have family that live in that area so am familiar with it. This then led into how many relatives do I have, are they on my Mum or Dad's side, how often do I see them, am I close to them, do I see them every Christmas, etc. She has good social skills so it is weaved quite organically into the conversation but at the same time it is a lot of questions and ends up a one-sided conversation even though I try and ask questions back to her.

It’s fine not to be interested in other people, but you can’t them complain if you have no friends or people don’t show an interest in you.

Honestly, I wouldn’t like to work with someone who had no interest in talking to their colleagues. You may not be there to make friends, but being friends with your colleagues is useful - it aids your progression at work, and means you’re not first in line if cuts happen. You don’t have to be best friends, but a basic interest and polite small talk is just basic social skills in a team setting, as is learning how to politely say “I’ve got to get on with X, but let’s chat later.”

It’s a social skill. You work out who likes a lot of interaction and who doesn’t and treat them accordingly, while balancing it against your other work responsibilities.

A lot of people don’t like to talk about current events of new stories. They worry about it being too controversial or that they will be judged as unintelligent.

Working out who to talk to about what and for how long is a skill in the workplace.

If I find the person or what they are talking about interesting, I will ask a couple of genuine questions - I don't just say ' how was your weekend?' I find that the most boring question, the person asking it usually doesn't care what you did , they are just being polite.

From a different perspective - I know a couple of people who only ever talk about themselves, they never ask you are question or seem invested in anyone else but themselves, you can almost see them waiting for you to finish so they can tell you their story. That is equally as tiresome.

just wait until you're a grandparent. For some reason, so many people think that I want to talk to them about my grandchildren. I love my grandchildren, but I don't want to talk about them when there are more interesting subjects (like everything).
It happens all the time. I meet people, I almost see them doing the internal calculation 'mmm oldish woman, obviously nothing much going on between the ears, I know, I'll ask her if she has gc that'll keep her happy.'

oh God I am exactly the same! In my last job I enjoyed the work, I just wanted to get my head down and crack on with the job but the boring, inane questions about TV, clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup , zelebs, what they did at the weekend, etc.

I am not interested at all in other people's lives, latest grandchild, etc. I too just nod politely and ask a question back but really just to shut them up, I am not interested in the answer at all!

One woman who was nearing 40 just talked endlessly about Love Island (I have no idea what this is) and debated non-stop about what colour manicure to have, what to get her eyebrows done like, shoes, clothes, Christ just STFU you boring bint!

I wonder why I have no friends but tbh I am not interested in other people, I just find them too hard work

Is she really interested or does she just like interrogating people?

My sister's like that - a friend refers to her as the Spanish Inquisition. She hates me as I'm wise to it and will give one word answers. It's not so much that she's interested as that she wants ammunition to use against you, and I refuse to give it to her.

I mind I was trying to read the intro to a lecture we were at and had to end up ignoring her. She turned to her partner and said she was 'just trying to have a conversation'. It was not like any conversation I'd have with anyone else.

I think your thoughts and approach are perfectly reasonable. Work colleagues are not necessarily friends, and also there are some people who want to keep their non-work life private.