To still be devastated 10 years on?

[BalsamicDrizzleOnEverything]

It’s been just over 10 years since my entire family went NC with me. They have not made any effort to get in contact with my DC (who they were quite close with) in that time which I find even more upsetting.

I still can’t quite believe it and try not to think about it (trying to live my best life and all that) but when I do or I’m triggered by something it deeply upsets me and I think it will haunt me until my dying day. It’s not something I’ll ever get over.

I think this is pretty normal, after all it’s quite a big thing, whereas DH (who’s in close contact with his own family) thinks it’s not. I should be over it and not care anymore. So who’s BU?

That is so sad to hear op especially since it seems you are really struggling with it. Do you feel that the NC was due to good reason? Is there anything stopping you from reaching out to one of them?

Yanbu. Must be upsetting. What lead up to it?

Why did they go NC with you?

That’s really sad I’m so sorry. Are you close to DH’s side of the family?

I am so sorry.

Must be especially hard if your DH has full contact with his family, and hard to see friends and neighbours and colleagues etc, with family coming around.

What happened?

This is heartbreaking to read.

You are not unreasonable to be distraught about it. Even 10 years on. I would be.

But without context as to why this happened it is impossible to say whether your family us unreasonable or not. Save the caveat that I can’t imagine ever breaking all contact with my children, no matter what they did, if they wanted to retain some contact: ie even if they were imprisoned for a dreadful crime I would still anticipate visiting them/writing to them. Even though I would not condone what they had done. So, yes it’s hard to envisage NC from parents. Other family members, it’s a bit more debate able.

This must be so painful for you. I acknowledge you most likely don’t want to explain the circumstances on here. But without context it’s not possible to say more; than just to sympathise.

This is probably plainly obvious - but you could write to each family member perhaps expressing your sorrow? What else you say would depend on the circumstances.

If you want contact surely its up to you to initiate it

It doesn't matter why it happened. I don't think that is for us to ask.

OP, I'm sorry you're struggling. It's hard. You feel how you feel and this is valid. The issue is: is this stopping you from moving forward with your life? If so it might be worth having some counselling to help put things into perspective.

This happens in families, sad though it is

YANBU to be upset about it still, but it depends on the reasons they did it I guess.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You have different thoughts as you've had different upbringings. I do wonder why you think they would be in contact with your kids when they are NC with you though.

YANBU, you feel how you feel.

You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do. Unfortunately, without knowing the reasons why your family went NC (and you're under no obligation to share that obviously), it's difficult to advise. Have you had counselling or similar to accept the situation as it is/get closure?

OP I’m so sorry. It’s been almost a year since my whole family went NC with me. My brother and I fell out and then my whole family waded in, sided with him and cut contact with myself and my family completely. Like you they haven’t bothered with my children either and yes when I think about it I feel so sad. Then I get back to focusing on my DH and children and am okay. But every now and then the sadness hits.

I was hoping with time that would fade but I guess by reading your post perhaps it won’t. I feel saddest about my nephews who I miss like crazy. It’s a hard thing for my DH to comprehend as he’s close with his family, but he’s been so supportive as he saw how I was treated and was disgusted with my whole ex family.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable, he can’t possibly understand what you’re going through but should try and support you. Even from just your post I can feel the depth of your pain so why can’t he when he lives with you and sees what you go through? He’s your husband and should be there for you.

I hope he can try and be more supportive. Lots of love and hugs

It's like a huge amount of losses all at once ..... but suspended. It's a form of grief for me to have gone NC with my abusive parents but one I can handle as being in their lives was worse. As it sounds (?) as though you didn't choose this it must be very hard. A sort of suspended grief/ loss. Of course YANBU

For you it's an unresolved trauma. Please seek out a therapist to work through that trauma with else you will still be living with the effects of trauma in another decade.

Your H sounds heartless or completely lacking in emotional intelligence.

Context is complicated but in a nutshell, empowered for the first time in my life by therapy I had for anxiety/low self esteem and the way she was acting towards my own children, I told my mother a few home truths about some pretty horrendous stuff that she did to me as a child which she took very badly. I also decided to meet my absent father (he wasn’t really interested) which she took as a betrayal. Rest of family took her side which I expected but didn’t really foresee being totally cut off for good. I’ve tried to reach out but I don’t think I have anything to apologise for. It turned a bit ugly in the end with a sister (online) and there’s no going back now.

DH thinks they’re all bastards and I shouldn’t GAF as we’re well shot of them but it’s still hard waiting to hear if my mother’s dead as she’s late 70’s now, if anyone lets me know that is. I still get emotional about it a few times a year probably and oldest DC occasionally brings it up as she is entitled to as she remembers a lot and is still affected by it, especially lack of contact with cousins and at family occasions.

We lost around 30 close relatives in one fell swoop. Can’t grieve for them because they’re still alive as far as I know and there’s a lot of anger there as well as sadness. Covid and lockdown has obviously made it harder.

It doesn’t help that DH has a family chat app with his parents and siblings that he’s constantly on and they’re all very close. I’m don’t have a relationship with them apart from family meet-ups a few times a year due to him marrying out of culture and me not really being accepted.

There’s no resolution to be had now, too much has been said and too much time has passed but I think it’s OK to still find it pretty traumatising even if I don’t want them back in my life? I have accepted it as something I have to carry but that doesn’t mean I can’t get upset about it? I’ve moved forward and it doesn’t consume me anymore but it’s still had a massive effect and probably always will.

You do need to grieve for what you never had and for those that were decent people that cut you off.

When my Mum did die it was actually ok, yes sad but I had already done my grieving if that makes sense?

Do you have anyone who talks to them to know if there’s any chance of reconciliation? They may be struggling with it too, and it may just be healing to you to write to them and say how you feel ? (Without reference to the bad bits and just to the fact thst you think of them)

In terms of whether your husband is being unreasonable or not, it really depends on what he means by you getting over it. If he’s eye-rolling and moaning, “Oh, you’re not still going on about that are you?”, then yes, he’s being unreasonable. If, however, he wants you to try to move on because it’s just upsetting you, that’s different. Maybe he feels you need to accept they’re no longer part of your life and stop punishing yourself, or holding on to false hope.

The context is important. I would feel bad about it after ten years if I felt I hadn't done anything wrong, or to upset them, if it was seemingly unreasonable.

However, given your circumstances I don't think I'd be too devastated. You challenged you mother on your upbringing and assuming you didn't do so untruthfully or unreasonably, you did the right thing. That she couldn't accept it, isn't your problem. The fact the family stood by her isn't down to you either. I don't think you need to deal with what they did ten years ago, you probably need to deal with what she did to you as a child. Perhaps you expected some kind of closure by raising it with her and when that didn't come, you were left high and dry, abused for a second time.

I think your husband is right. If they are as you have described, you are better off not having to deal with them. Throw yourself in to the family you have now and concentrate on that being your better life. But do consider getting professional help to enable you to move past what she did to you.

Would Counselling help you at all ? I think you do need to go through these feelings again.It seems to be eating you up and you are grieving for a family life you probably never had .Even so part of us wants to feel wanted /accepted by our family roots .I think that some part of you knows that your DM has obv made mistakes ,but still loves her .Maybe you could send a letter or speak to a member of the family as a go between? Good luck sending hugs to you xx

OP, have a look at the Stately Homes thread here on MN. It’s for everyone who is nc with their families, and you will find lots of support from women with toxic mothers, who are going through the same emotions as you.
As PPs have commented, you are probably not grieving the loss of your actual mother (you sound well shot of her), but you are grieving the lack of a normal loving mother in your life, and the support of loving blood relatives, particularly as your in-laws do not seem to make you very welcome.
You cannot turn your mother into a nice person, but you can fill the gap in your life with good friends, and your own DC and DH. You have created your own little family now.
You could also consider talking through your feelings with a counsellor, to help you to move on from your grief and sense of abandonment, and to be able to accept the situation without being overwhelmed by it.

I second everything Babdoc says above. The same thing happened to me but I am probably about 13 years down the line now. I still have my ups and downs but it's got a lot easier especially with my DC turning into young adults which has made me feel less alone. I find it best if I don't think about it which is why I have avoided counselling. for you OP.

Ah. I see. You have accepted that there is no going back and that you cannot have a relationship with these people. In that case I think it would help you enormously to have some counselling for the loss of those relationships. If you possibly can. Or write about it. Or talk it through with a trusted friend. Just to get it out.

You have said there is no going back. You need to find a way to be at peace with that. I wish you well.

This is a tough one, OP. But maybe in a kind of way you could see this as confirmation about how difficult your mum was and how unprepared she was to accept any responsibility. If you'd not said anything do you think you would've felt better? Yes you''d still be in contact with her and the rest of the family but i sense you'd be feeling very unhappy at playing charades. It's a stark choice, isn't it? You either tackle it or you stay quiet and cope with the emotions.

Did you get any feedback from other family members after you'd approached your mum about the past? Or did they just stop talking to you? It's sad and short sighted to blindly take sides in what was a problem between you and your mum.

I don't have any advice other than keep working through it. Write about it, read about others and try the self help books. Losing a family does create a big hole but remind yourself daily that your family will never be treated the way you were.