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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Emotional Blackmail by Daughter

29 replies

Crystal17 · 24/03/2021 12:34

I have been with my husband for 21 years and am considerably older than him. He got very friendly with a woman at work and they were texting each other. I found out and we had a major fall out over it. He has promised to break all contact and had even moved to another branch to avoid contact. He assures me that it was not physical and has accepted that this was unacceptable behaviour, and has promised never to do anything like that again. My daughter( from a previous marriage) thinks I should leave him and has actually sent me a text stating that if I stay with him she cannot be a part of my life. I am late 60's and apart from this have had a very happy marriage. I feel that my daughter is way out of order and emotionally blackmailing me. I have decided to stay with my husband but I am mortified that I am losing my only child. She herself has had many relationships that have never worked out and I have always supported her unconditionally without judgement. Can anyone advise how to get this issue resolved.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/03/2021 12:44

Why does she think it's got anything to do with her?

redheadwitch · 24/03/2021 12:49

First question I have is why you shared this very personal information with your daughter. I wouldn't share such things with people until I'd made a decision that it was over. If I was swithering on whether to fix things, I would keep silent about it, long term.
Especially family because even though you may forgive, their view of the person will be forever tainted. Anyway, its done now and I'm sure you shared this info in the heat of the moment.

I think you just need to have a frank conversation with your daughter and say that you feel she is being manipulative and that by sharing your struggles, you were hoping for support rather than judgement. If she is old enough to be issuing ultimatums then she should be old enough to understand that relationships have ups and downs.

I would surmise that there is something else going on here because it simply isn't logical that she would want to cut ties with you over this. Do you have a difficult relationship normally? Does she actively dislike your husband and is using this moment as leverage?

hellcatspangle · 24/03/2021 12:50

I suppose your first mistake was involving her in the first place. We have never shared our marital difficulties with our adult dc, simply because we didn't want them taking sides/trying to influence our decisions. Still, that horse has bolted.

In your shoes I would write her a letter, spelling out what you've said here - about supporting her no matter what, that it's your decision what to do in your marriage, and whilst you're devastated that she's choosing to emotionally blackmail you, you won't be held to ransom. I doubt for one minute she will stick to her guns.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/03/2021 12:54

We have never shared our marital difficulties with our adult dc, simply because we didn't want them taking sides/trying to influence our decisions

The daughter isn't the husbands daughter though so not really the same thing.
OP you can't allow her to hold you over a barrel like that. Your relationship is your choice, it's not about choosing your DH over her, it's not allowing her dictate who you can and can't have a relationship with. In your shoes I would just explain it like that tbh and let her decide

Tigerchips · 24/03/2021 13:00

Have you leant on her whilst all this has been going on? It's hard supporting someone through this only to then find out they're taking back the cheating twat.

And that's just as a friend do as a daughter I really can't imagine how hard it would be.

CodMouth · 24/03/2021 13:13

It’s your business who you date, marry, leave or stay with.

Thank your daughter for her concern but let her know you’re moving on from his bad behaviour but you’ll leave him if anything else happens.

Icecreamsoda99 · 24/03/2021 13:39

The thing is you told her something that is obvious going to make her think very badly of him, she's seen you've been hurt and chosen to stay with him, she's now in the position of having to play nice to a man who has hurt her mother. However I'd be very surprised if she is taking this stand over one incident.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 24/03/2021 14:03

I think there is a lot more going on. Your partner texting a work colleague (presumably inappropriate things) and you smoothing things out with him doesn't sound like something to cut you out of her life for. IF she saw her mum in a really bad relationship for a really long time however....

chunkymonkeylikeitfunky · 24/03/2021 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MintyMabel · 25/03/2021 00:22

Why does she think it's got anything to do with her?

Why isn’t she allowed to have her own thoughts and feelings about it?

Seems an extreme reaction of a one off minor flirtation. I take it they never really got along?

Blueberries0112 · 25/03/2021 00:27

Sounds like your daughter had very bad experiences with your husband.

She doesn’t want to stand and watch you get hurt. She feels helpless.

Billandben444 · 25/03/2021 07:17

There's more to this I'm sure.
If there honestly isn't, then -
I think you just need to have a frank conversation with your daughter and say that you feel she is being manipulative and that by sharing your struggles, you were hoping for support rather than judgement. If she is old enough to be issuing ultimatums then she should be old enough to understand that relationships have ups and downs.
This in spades.

HikingInTheHills · 25/03/2021 07:36

In the surface it seems like it’s none of her business.

But is your husband a twat? Does your daughter usually like him or at least tolerate him, and if not why not? Were you complaining/really hurt about his actions and talked about it a lot with her? Does she think even without this latest affair, he’s a jerk and you should have dumped him years ago? If yes, maybe she’s disgusted and disappointed that she thought FINALLY you were leaving but yet again, you didn’t. It can be hard to watch someone you love in a shit relationship and maybe for her own sanity she’s had enough of watching you. Or maybe she can’t respect you for it.

Of course, if this is not correct and you can genuinely say, without blinkers on, that she usually likes him and this affair (which it was on your husband’s part) is an absolute one off incident of bad behaviour on his part, then it is very odd that she has reacted that way. But by your lack of detail and your careful defence of your husband, I’m guessing you’d stay regardless of what he’s always done and she’s over it. If she’s had bad relationships too, maybe that’s what you’ve taught her by your example.

Besom · 25/03/2021 07:41

There must be more to this. Or does she know something you don't? It seem an extreme eaction from her if there is no other backstory.

Oooohbehave · 25/03/2021 07:42

@HollowTalk

Why does she think it's got anything to do with her?

Someone hurt her mum, it has a lot to do with her actually. That said she still needs to respect OPs decision.

PegasusReturns · 25/03/2021 07:46

Two likely scenarios:

Your daughter is a selfish, manipulative women who is over involved in your relationship and is for whatever reason deliberately trying to cause you pain.

Your daughter is at the end of her tether watching you struggle with a relationship with an arse who treats you appallingly.

I’m putting my money on the latter.

harknesswitch · 25/03/2021 07:47

Saying you shouldn't have told her isn't massively helpful as it's done. Plus it's not her Dad she's talking about. The OPs DD is an adult and old enough to have these conversations with. Also it's not decision to make and should be supporting her DM rather than judging and trying to manipulate her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

BrumBoo · 25/03/2021 07:54

It's categorically none of her business if you stay with him. However, and this is only reading between the lines, if not once in 21 years has she made such a fuss/threat over your relationship, it suggests she's either very fed up or she seriously dislikes your husband. Had she suspected he was a cheater for years and you never listened? That he treats you badly in general? That you leant on her a lot emotionally and she feels that getting back with him is a bit of a slap in the face? If your relationship was good before, it really suggests that this is more than her being childish and wanting mummy to herself, especially as a grown woman.

SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling · 25/03/2021 07:55

I think when you are younger, your thoughts about relationships can be very black and white. That's not a wrong thing, however once you have a long history and an otherwise good relationship you see a bigger picture and your decisions are different
She is kicking back against his betrayal of your trust. She saw you hurt so she is hurt too

Beamur · 25/03/2021 07:59

@PegasusReturns

Two likely scenarios:

Your daughter is a selfish, manipulative women who is over involved in your relationship and is for whatever reason deliberately trying to cause you pain.

Your daughter is at the end of her tether watching you struggle with a relationship with an arse who treats you appallingly.

I’m putting my money on the latter.

I wondered this too... You've put quite a positive spin on your husband's minor misdemeanor. I'm guessing your daughter sees it differently.

startrek90 · 25/03/2021 08:05

Tbf I have been your daughter. It was not a one off incident and by the time I told my mum what your daughter told you I had watched my stepdad screw the whole family over multiple times with everyone. I had had enough and decided that I couldn't keep watching it anymore. It was honestly like dealing with an addict. I suggest that you have a good talk with your daughter and ask for total honesty, you may be surprised to hear what she has actually witnessed.

Soontobe60 · 25/03/2021 08:08

Your daughter is not your best friend - neither is she in control. If you feel that you and your dh can work things out, and if he’s not a complete bastard who will cheat on you time and time again, then it’s your decision.But if your DD is worried about him treating you badly, she has a point. Actually, @PegasusReturns put it very well.

Also, don't stay with someone just because you’re older. Stay with them because they make you really happy.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 25/03/2021 08:09

I think it's entirely reasonable that you'd discuss with your adult daughter from a different marriage - it's hardly an issue of forcing her to take sides.
It's just questionable how adult she might be, in giving you this ultimatum - unless as others have said there's some backstory that might give her other cause for concern. It's sad that she is behaving like a six year old, but let her throw her tantrum and get on with it.

islockdownoveryet · 25/03/2021 08:20

Come on there is more to this , it’s not the first time is it ? . And I don’t believe this one indiscretion has caused your daughter to want to end the relationship. This is most likely the final straw on a long line of bad behaviour and you know it op .
She mustn’t like him before this so it begs the question why would you even discuss this with her ? .

muddyford · 25/03/2021 08:21

Your marriage (to anyone) is absolutely none of your daughter's business. How you and your husband deal with things is entirely up to the two of you.

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