AIBU to have had enough of helping my neighbour?

[endofmytether26]

I've NC for this.
Feel a bit of a cow tbh because looking back I've made a rod for my own back.
Quick backstory - my neighbour is in her 80's, is a nice enough woman but I find her very demanding. I've gone out of my way to help her by getting her shopping, feeding her cat when she's gone on holiday for a week (pre-covid), sorting out the settings on her laptop, picking up her medicine - even taking a sample of her urine to her GP for her, ordering stuff online which she subsequently changes her mind so I have to organise to send it back and wait for the refund to come back to my bank a/c. She does always pay me back for the stuff she keeps. She also wants everything done there and then and gets a bit huffy if I say I'll do it later and then tells me not to worry about it so I don't - she's obviously expecting me to drop everything and will ring me up an hour later after a particular request to see if I've done it. These are just a few examples of an incredibly long list.
She always mentions if we make a noise (we are in adjoining flats) but she bangs and crashes around in hers and I never say a word.
Her daughter lives a distance away and rarely visits - I think I understand why now.

The last straw was the other day when I'd just come back from the shops and she banged on the window so I waved and carried on to my front door. I hadn't even taken my coat off and my phone goes, it's her so I ignored it.
Reading back on this it sounds a bit petty but it's got to the stage that if I have to go out I wait until she's gone out so I can leave my flat in peace.

AIBU to start saying no to her demands. I'll have to do it really subtly and gradually as I cannot bear any confrontation as it makes me feel really bad about myself. I need to get across to her that she is my neighbour and not a member of my family and I want to get back to some sort of normality where she behaves like a neighbour by keeping herself to herself and only contacting me if she's in dire straits. She's not lonely as she has streams of people going in and out - maybe they can't say no to her either. She's broken so many lockdown rules that I've lost count.
Quite prepared to be told I must grin and bear it as I've allowed her to put me in this position.
Sorry - this turned out to be a longer post than I intended but it feels quite cathartic!!

You need to start enforcing some boundaries immediately. No is a complete sentence op. It’s not about confrontation but you’ll just end up resenting her if you carry on doing everything

"She always mentions if we make a noise (we are in adjoining flats) but she bangs and crashes around in hers and I never say a word."

Why? Next time she says anything about noise tell her it works both ways and that you've been polite up until now but she's always banging and crashing about too.

Definitely need to put some boundaries in place and complain if she’s making too much noise.

In the nicest way possible you need to grow a back bone, it’s your life, it’s nice to help others but not if its detrimental to yourself. It’s fine getting some bits from the supermarket if you are going but you shouldn’t be having to go out specifically for her.

You sound like a lovely person but it’s ok to be selfish occasionally. You can’t pour from an empty cup

Jesus Christ she sounds hard work.

I think she sounds as though she would go out of her way to cause you trouble if you just bluntly tell her to stop. For me personally, that wouldn't be an issue, but as you've mentioned you're not great with confrontation you'll just have to do it gradually as you mentioned. Good luck.

No youre not being unreasonable, next time she mentions noise tell her 'yes i can hear you to, the walls must be very thin'.
If she wants stuff ordering tell her your internet is broken!

I think it is wonderful that you have been helping her but as others have said you need to step back and create some boundaries.

It irks me that she is breaking lock down rules. Why aren't the people visiting helping her anyway?

Become “a lot busier at work” if you feel saying no is too confrontational.

I had drifted into a similar situation and found it easier to say “sorry, it’s a bit full on for me over the next few months,” by which time they’d stopped assuming I was at their beck and call.

Bloody hell. She’s treating you like a servant. I’d tell her you can’t help anymore as it’s too much for you. Make up a reason if necessary. If she wants more help, suggest that she moves into one of those retirement places where you have your own apartment but they do a lot of the life work for you. There a fine line between being kind and getting fucked over.

As l have got older l have got so much better at saying no to things.
You are enabling this behavior OP and you sound very kind but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

Of course you can renegotiate this relationship, as you can with any relationship. Just because she's elderly doesn't mean you can't change the terms between you. I'd gradually decrease your availability. Don't reply as quickly. Miss messages. Be too busy. Make it less convenient and immediate to use your services, and maybe she'll stop going to you as her first choice all the time.

If that doesn't work, you may have to tell her you're busier now and can only help with xyz or in "emergencies".

Sounds like a nightmare.

Be massively less available.

Her daughter must be thrilled.

Be much busier.

Ignore her calls.

Thank you all so much. I now feel that yes, she is massively overstepping the boundaries and I am not being mean if I take a huge step back. I can do this, albeit gradually. I just needed reassurance that I wasn't being horrible. As to her constant stream of visitors, I assume she also has them running around after her, she's even had her friend round to cut her hair. She must think that lockdown doesn't apply to her. Grrrhh..............

She's treating you like an unpaid PA! I do sympathise as I have an elderly neighbour who asks a lot of favours (not in the same league as yours though) and it was becoming a drag. Then, at Christmas, a close family member had an accident which required surgery and they moved in with us. Rehabilitation has been slow and difficult but it has meant neighbour has found others to help out as they knew I had my hands full. Family member has gone home now, fully recovered, and I'm keeping my head down 😄.

Your neighbour has gone beyond asking favours, she now feels entitled to your time and attention. My advice is to withdraw gradually. Say your Internet is down, say you're rushed off your feet with friend/family commitments etc. And, like me, vow to never get into the same situation again!

It's a shame you can't bear confrontation. She could do to know that she should not badger you. I'd probably say it was a real wake up call that you can't go in and out of your own home without getting ordered about. There's a way to ask for help and that's not it. Also the ordering stuff on the internet can be done at any age its not something you can keep doing for her. Also ordering things safe in the knowledge someone else can take it back is too easy. She really needs to think about how she presumed on your goodwill. Them stop helping for a while. Shopping when you shop is one thing but teaching her how to online shop would be much better.

Why haven't you mentioned her noise up to now? if you have never mentioned it you need to start now.

For the rest, you need to tell her that you can't keep helping her. But you're going to upset and alienate her. So be ready for that.

Absolutely back off, but be ready for her to become much worse and have a few tantrums while she is learning that things have changed!
An elderly great grandparent of my ex husband was like this. We lived 5 doors up and she saw us as her personal servants and the kids as her shopping service. Every phone call - several a day - would be very long and with a requesr/demand attached. I could go and make a cup of tea or pop to the loo and she wouldn't even notice my absence on the other end of the line 😁 Eventually she got quite nasty with the kids if they got her the wrong thing so we pulled back on their trips to the shop for her.

Even now I can hear the words "it won't take very many minutes" in my mind...and shudder...

(I did love her, but she drove me crackers!)

Just because she is old, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have manners and be grabby. From all the old people I know, they don’t change personalities. They are who they are. Tell her how you feel.

100% agree with the suggestions made so far.
How did she manage to get her hair done???
If you wanted to, you could throw in to conversation that you noticed that her hair had been done and she must be in the know with people in government as no hairdresser is operating at the moment due to covid and you'd hate for either her or the hairdresser to get in to trouble because they are breaking the rules,
She might be ticked off but it also might give you some breathing space to withdraw further and she will know that you're watching.

Next time she mentions noise say ‘yes I hear yours too, the walls are thin aren’t they?’ then chuckle and go inside. Stop pandering to her every whim, make excuses up about being busy if you don’t want any confrontation. She’s treating you like her servant!

You have been too accommodating to your own detriment. A slow withdrawal would be easiest.
Neighbour: I need x from the shop. You: I'm not going today but can get it next time I go.
N: But I've run out. You: I'm not going today as I don't have time. I can get it when I next go.

N I need you to order Y for me online.
Answer 1. You Give me your card details & I will order at the weekend.
N But I don't want to give you my details. You Ok, no problem, bye.

Answer 2. You will have to give me the money first as I've had an expensive month. (She won't).

N I need you to do this for me. You Sorry, really busy with this work project/ extra study/etc.

Be pleasant & hopefully won't be an issue. And if she mentions noise again, as pp said, yes I heard you on x night, y day. The walls must be really thin.

Good luck!

I don't know if backing away slowly and gently is best. She will refuse to take the hint.

I'd be tempted the next time she asks for something to say, 'could you ask one of your friends or visitors instead, glad to have helped you with things recently but I have a lot on and will be unable to help with anything additional from now'.

Do you have the same neighbour as me OP?! Mine is exactly the same - and with masses of friends and family round there everyday.

I hate confrontation, but I find it easier to make up a reason why I can't do something.
Can you say you've upped your hours at work, or you've started a college course from home and have online lectures for a few hours a day. Anything you can think of to excuse yourself from helping!

You sound like a very nice pushover and I mean this kindly.

Next time she demands something just look at her and say 'not today Ivy' (name insert)
It's easy to be firm and not rude. You need practice !

I hate confrontation, but I find it easier to make up a reason why I can't do something

Why? Why lie? Just say no, people eventually get the message and stop asking because they know you aren’t going to say yes.