AIBU to have had enough of helping my neighbour?

[endofmytether26]

I've NC for this.
Feel a bit of a cow tbh because looking back I've made a rod for my own back.
Quick backstory - my neighbour is in her 80's, is a nice enough woman but I find her very demanding. I've gone out of my way to help her by getting her shopping, feeding her cat when she's gone on holiday for a week (pre-covid), sorting out the settings on her laptop, picking up her medicine - even taking a sample of her urine to her GP for her, ordering stuff online which she subsequently changes her mind so I have to organise to send it back and wait for the refund to come back to my bank a/c. She does always pay me back for the stuff she keeps. She also wants everything done there and then and gets a bit huffy if I say I'll do it later and then tells me not to worry about it so I don't - she's obviously expecting me to drop everything and will ring me up an hour later after a particular request to see if I've done it. These are just a few examples of an incredibly long list.
She always mentions if we make a noise (we are in adjoining flats) but she bangs and crashes around in hers and I never say a word.
Her daughter lives a distance away and rarely visits - I think I understand why now.

The last straw was the other day when I'd just come back from the shops and she banged on the window so I waved and carried on to my front door. I hadn't even taken my coat off and my phone goes, it's her so I ignored it.
Reading back on this it sounds a bit petty but it's got to the stage that if I have to go out I wait until she's gone out so I can leave my flat in peace.

AIBU to start saying no to her demands. I'll have to do it really subtly and gradually as I cannot bear any confrontation as it makes me feel really bad about myself. I need to get across to her that she is my neighbour and not a member of my family and I want to get back to some sort of normality where she behaves like a neighbour by keeping herself to herself and only contacting me if she's in dire straits. She's not lonely as she has streams of people going in and out - maybe they can't say no to her either. She's broken so many lockdown rules that I've lost count.
Quite prepared to be told I must grin and bear it as I've allowed her to put me in this position.
Sorry - this turned out to be a longer post than I intended but it feels quite cathartic!!

She sounds a bit like my Mum. She is in her late 70s and hasn't worked over over 20 years and has forgotten what it is like to have a job, so if she doesn't really understand why some things can't happen right when she wants them, or that when people have just come home from work, they don't want to be badgered about something not very important by their neighbour. Although I don't think anyone would think she doesn't mean well, I suspect she might be a bit of a pain in the arse for her neighbours.

I suggest being less available. If she wants something done, tell her you won't have time until x days in the future. If she wants to order online, tell her you are really busy and don't have time right now. When you meet her, say hello and keep on walking. I wouldn't assume it comes from a bad place, but it is tiresome to deal with.

Sounds like she thinks you live in the staff quarters

Call me an old curmudgeon but I am starting to think "don't like confrontation" means "lacks a spine"

Seriously it really bugs me as an excuse

Nobody LIKES confrontation but there are times when it's necessary and this is absolutely one of them!

Get her told! She is taking the piss.

You don't owe her anything, you don't owe her endless time, effort and patience in dealing with her entitled and demanding behaviour.

Stop being a doormat

Often I find people who "don't like confrontation" end up bottling their resentment up and exploding and overreacting at a later point when if you planned what you were going to say and prepared for the conversation you're more likely to manage it calmly.

Check some advice and tutorials on assertiveness and use them

I don't know if backing away slowly and gently is best. She will refuse to take the hint

I agree

Ime the only way to deal with cf - which she is - is clearly, bluntly and assertively

Ask her to get in touch with adult social services and tell her that there are people who will help with shopping/chores etc sometimes for free

She is a CF, just because she is old does not make her a magically into a nice person. She is taking advantage of you.

Send her a text ' with the lockdown coming to an end now, I really feel it would be better for you to do your shopping now, or book a delivery slot. I am going to be very busy with my job/life/college/whatever from now for the next few months and won't be available. I have enjoyed helping you over the lockdown, and I hope you are well. Best wishes op'

Then ignore all calls and texts. Do not respond.
When you see her in person, a cheery hello I must dash is more than ample.

Use the end of the lockdown to your advantage or you will never get rid of her.

Can you contact the daughter and say you are quiting as her mother's PA? Phrasing it more nicely. I feel annoyed that you have been used and stepped on. It sounds like she has alienated the daughter, but maybe handing it over may help you psychology.

Everytime she asks say "oh i am so sorry I am up to my eyeballs". lots of phrases " I am in the middle of something". Or can't do it at the moment but next week would be ok for me. Keep up that behaviour and she wil get the message. she may cry or start a conflict with you or try to say "poor me" song...repeat you are tied up. And say it all with a smile...Say it with a low, whiney child's voice if she is persistent....
Good luck.

Just perfect one little sentence

" I'm really busy today. I'll do it on Monday".

Hi op I agree be less available. My mam is her age. Quite hard work. Their way or no way. They get very entitled.

@Dobby101

I don't know if backing away slowly and gently is best. She will refuse to take the hint.

I'd be tempted the next time she asks for something to say, 'could you ask one of your friends or visitors instead, glad to have helped you with things recently but I have a lot on and will be unable to help with anything additional from now'.

This.

The impression I get from your post, OP, is that she won't pay attention to hints.

These replies have honestly given me some inner strength!! I know I'm a doormat but I'm the sort of person that will go without if somebody needed what I had. I get so anxious that I have panic attacks so confrontation really doesn't bode well for me BUT having said that there are still boundaries which it's taken me two years to realise I need to start reinforcing them starting today. As to the haircut - one of her 'friends' (read servant) came round to her flat.

This is why I never, and I mean NEVER offer to do anything for anyone, or offer any favours, and I will especially not offer regular help or favours.

I know (and don't care) that this makes me sound like a really selfish old curmudgeon, but I am like this (now) because of bad experiences (like the OP is suffering,) in the past.

Even 3 or 4 years ago, DH dropped it out (in front of a few people in the local pub) that he has I.T. skills, and a couple who live in our village (15 minutes walk from us,) asked if he could help with their 'computer problem' (for free of course!)

After that one time of helping, he became their 24/7 I.T. support. It became so annoying, having to pop round - immediately obviously - to sort out their I.T. and computer issues, that DH started to get really weary of it all. They even wanted him to go around and set up SKYPE ffs! They would say 'we'll only keep you ten minutes' and he was often there for 2-3 hours!

In the end I texted HER and said 'sorry but DH is not doing any more I.T. favours, because so many people are asking him now, that it's taking up half of his free time.' (A couple of others were asking him too, but not as often.)

She messaged back and said 'Oh, I didn't realise we were that much bother...' I never responded back, but she AND he never contacted us again. (Clearly they were pissed off and offended that DH was no longer giving them free I.T. support.)

I will help people in an emergency (eg, a neighbour of mine asked me if I could run her up to the doctors some months ago, as she had been given an appointment for half an hour's time, and her DH had the car for work.) I didn't mind that. But I refuse to be a regular help for anyone. Been stung and burnt too many times, and taken for a mug (like the OP.)

@endofmytether26 As many posters have said, you need to make yourself a lot less available.

Plus, has this woman not got any family or friends? Why does it have to be you all the time who is running around like an unpaid servant for her?!

Most people are happy to do a favour, but favours become entitlements and entitlements become obligations to some people. Before you know, you are the bad guy for not continuing a one-off a favour. You then get all the "What am I going to do now you're letting me down?" guilt trips and the neighbours get told what a bad un you are!

I agree cut back. My mam had this with her neighbour it turned sour then. My mam got demanding. I find elderly people quite draining (some)

My MIL did this with her neighbour too and we eventually got a letter from the neighbour saying she was resigning as MILs help. By then she was shopping for her, taking her to all her doctors and hospital appointments, helping her with banking and was first call on the red button around MILs neck. We then started doing online shops for MIL (we didn't live in the same country as MIL) and eventually MIL finally agreed to go and live in a care home near my BIL as it was unsustainable for her to carry on living independently. She then died of Covid about a year after she moved.

I am still good friends with the neighbour and very grateful for all she did for MIL but I still think she was a mug for doing it all! WE also never once asked her to do any of it. In fact we told her more than once to stop so that MIL would agree to move closer to one of her children so they could help.

@sweetpotatopie12

Ask her to get in touch with adult social services and tell her that there are people who will help with shopping/chores etc sometimes for free

This. Text her on the number of any local support groups and just say you are not available to run errands - no need for explanations. You simply say it's not possible.

As for ordering online, tell her your credit card was used in attempted fraud so you are cancelling it for the foreseeable.

OP, could it be a generational thing? You say your neighbour is in her 80s, so might she have been brought up to think that saying No wasn't an option? That was certainly the case with my parents' generation (my mum would be of similar age now if she was still alive). If your neighbour spent her formative years being expected to say Yes every time someone asked her to do something, she might have grown up thinking this is normal behaviour, and has now come to expect it for herself. This might go some way towards explaining her behaviour, but I agree it doesn't excuse it.