Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


AIBU to have looked through my partners phone

19 replies

Sadbri · 24/03/2021 08:47

A small bit of background, my fiancé has a friends who he's been close to since school, i'll call him Steve. He lives up in Scotland and in the 4 1/2 years we've seen him twice. The first time he acted like an entitled jerk and took my partners car without telling him. The second time it was for about an hour or so while he was down seeing family. They message often but Steve always has to try and up 1 him in every achievement.

My mum passed back in December and I've not been doing too well with my mental health since. To cut a long story short I ended up in a and e on Sunday night to meet with the crisis team. While sat in a and e (in a very fragile state) I noticed Steve messaging my partner. I assumed it was to support my fiancé and check in on me. But when I looked over my partner pulled his phone away and said Steve isn't saying the nicest of things at the moment.
Its been a few days and it's been playing on my mind since. So this morning I looked through his phone so i could see what Steve had been saying. My partner has deleted everything from that night. But continually talks about me having tantrums and putting me down when talking to Steve. Steve goes on about how i need to be sanctioned and i have too many 'loose wires crossed'. But my partner doesnt really stick up for me.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my partner I no longer want him talking about me to Steve.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

steff13 · 24/03/2021 08:50

You can't really police what other people talk about. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who won't stand up for you?


Unfinished · 24/03/2021 08:53

Yes yabu because that Steve and any conversations with him are clearly not the issue here
DP is the issue


frutyloops · 24/03/2021 08:55

Your dp is the problem.


CaptainVanesHair · 24/03/2021 08:56

Steve is only responding to what your DP has written/said. I would be far more hurt by that. Taking Steve out of the equation isn’t going to change that he thinks, feels and says those things.


DianaT1969 · 24/03/2021 08:56

Sorry about your mum. 💐 I don't think that policing their conversation should be a priority right now. Whether they speak, or how they speak, isn't going to help your MH. Maybe you need a change of scene? Anyone you can stay with? Only you know if your fiance can support you. Also, can he cope with living with someone with MH issues?
The conversation is a distraction to what you should be focusing on.


JustDanceAddict · 24/03/2021 08:58

Steve can say what he likes, but your DP needs to stick up for you against him.


Treeway · 24/03/2021 08:58

Its your partner that is the problem. He's talking about your in an unpleasant way, talks down about you.


Insomnia5 · 24/03/2021 08:59

The question is, why does Steve feel so comfortable slagging you off to your own partner? You know whatever’s being said is being instigated by your partner?


SpacePotato · 24/03/2021 09:01

Your DP is the issue. The fact he won't pull Steve up for being an arse and that Steve seems to have so much influence on him.


Sadbri · 24/03/2021 09:02

Funnily enough I got back Monday last week after spending 3 weeks with my dad because I didn't know how out relation ship was going. I struggled on my own but also because my dad was working full time so I had zero support.
I know realistically i cant tell im who he can and cant talk to about me but it hurts to see or even know there are messages.

OP posts:

Bettina500 · 24/03/2021 09:06

Your DP is the problem, Steve is irrelevant.
DP should've been supporting you, not bitching to some old friend on the phone. Steve doesn't know you and is only basing what he says on what your DP is telling him. You need supportive people around you right now, not worrying about this crap.
Sorry about your mum and hope you feel in a better place soon Thanks


B33Fr33 · 24/03/2021 09:07

You can expect support, respect and loyalty. Being dismissive of your health is none of those things. YABU to check his phone, he deleted them because he wasn't being a good partner. We all need to let of steam. But after an event, not during a crisis. I think you need to move on. Sorry.


grapewine · 24/03/2021 09:11

You need to worry more about what your DP is doing and much less about what his mate is saying.


Shoxfordian · 24/03/2021 09:12

Your dp shouldn’t be friends with someone who would talk about you like that. You shouldn’t go through his phone though, you should just expect better and dump him


ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 24/03/2021 09:14

Agree with the others. Steve is irrelevant. Although i do judge people by the company they keep. But clearly your dp is moaning about you, it at the very least he's not shutting Steve down when he's being a bastard. Your probably not in the right place to make any big decisions but my impression is that maybe your dp doesn't have your back.


SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2021 09:28

Steve only knows what your DH tells him so if Steve thinks A it's because your BF has told him enough to believe A.

I'm sorry you're struggling but I don't think being with a bf who treats you like this is going to help you look after yourself


screamingfromtherooftops · 24/03/2021 09:35

Everyone is entitled to private conversations. Some times I complain about my DP to friends.... BUT, the things he said were out of line.

Really sorry about your mother x


Sadbri · 24/03/2021 11:52

Thanks you’ve all given me some thoughts to consider with my DP. We have 2 girls together so really wanted to at least try and make it work, which I why I ended up coming back. Also don’t want to make any sudden decisions just yet as I know I’m not stable enough to make long term choices x

OP posts:

lioncitygirl · 24/03/2021 11:56

Steve is not the issue, he's making his assumptions from what your awful partner is telling him.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?