People telling you something you'd rather not know then asking you to "Please don't tell anyone"

[Houlyerwhisht]

I'm talking specifically about when it involves another person they KNOW you're close to.

When I was with my ex I was extremely close to his sister. She confided in me that their Mother had an affair years earlier and to be honest it explained an awful lot about her marriage (she stayed with ex's Dad). It would have answered a lot of his questions but she told me not to tell him.

Yesterday, I was put in a similar position about a friend and I'm already keeping something else significant from her that I was told years ago.

I pride myself on not ever betraying confidences (unless I think someone might get physically hurt) but I really begrudge being put into this kind of position. I only hope that if third parties ever find out I knew they also know from experience that I do keep to myself what I'm asked to.

Why do people put you in this position?

Because it gets it off their chest, makes them feel a bit lighter, I suppose.

I think it's a very unfair position to put someone in. I understand the need for the person to unburden themselves and share the secret, but they should choose a confidante not closely involved with anyone from whom the secret should be kept.

Surely your ex's sister had friends or a partner who could have supported her?

I think about saying:

'You've just told someone, I'll be just like you'

but then probably wimp out. But really, it's a nonsense for someone to ask you to keep,a secret that they can't keep themselves. I don't mean this as a blabbers charter, just a reminder of who spilled first.

Yes I fucking hate it too, don't burden me with your secrets!
Last person that did this to me turned out to have some sort of attention seeking problem and ended up embarrassing themselves at work (cheating on their partner).
I wonder if it's another way of making sure you are on their mind.

Tbh in the first situation you describe with your ex, I’d have told him. I don’t keep secrets from my other half when they involve him and I think it’s a really unfair thing to ask of someone.

Yabu because you’ve chosen to ‘keep a secret’ above all else. People are therefore going to use you to unburden themselves.
I would have told the ex.

Yip. My sister in law spilled the details of her affair to me. I was touched that I had her trust, but very quickly realised that it put me in a terrible position.

Forgive the dark subject matter, but one random thought I couldn't get out of my mind was that if she went missing I'd have to tell the police and all the family.

She confided in me that their Mother had an affair years earlier and to be honest it explained an awful lot about her marriage (she stayed with ex's Dad). It would have answered a lot of his questions but she told me not to tell him.

In that situation I would have told the sister that my loyalty lies with my partner, and this is information that would answer a lot of questions he has and I’m telling him.

I would be furious if my DH knew something like that, had been told by my sibling, and kept it from me.

My MIL told me something major that would desperately hurt my DH if he knew. I'm still bitter about her blindsiding me with this. I never keep secrets from DH, and I hate that I know this. I still can't fathom her motives. Ugh.

Having a polite conversation at a work with a mother of 3 (third a new born) knowing full well her dh was shagging my flat mate one of the most uncomfortable experiences I’ve had anyway.

Wish these grim people wouldn’t let their sexual incontinence affect innocent bystanders.

Work party

The easiest solution is to be up front and say that you can’t ever be sworn to secrecy in all circumstances. You are not lawyer, doctor or a priest. And even they are expected to disclose certain confidences.

Irritates me greatly when people do that. If they can’t keep their own secret, why would they expect me to do so. Having said that, I mostly forget the secrets I’m told, as they’re not usually that exciting or relevant

MIL carries haemophilia, and any child that has it would potentially have a reduced lifespan and would need to be cautious all their life- only male children. My MIL had screening in her pregnancies to determine the sex and then the genetic status of her babies. DBIL and DH were clear, but DH has a poor relationship with his 7 years older brother and has always been sad that his parents chose to have no more children 'due to the risk'- particularly as his uncle is now in his late 60s and a haemophiliac.

But MIL told me that she did fall pregnant a third time when DH was 2, FIL was horrified as he wanted no more children regardless (but apparently didn't expect to have to wrap it up either 😐) and the genetic screening showed it to be a male WITH haemophilia and so FIL insisted on a termination at 15 weeks, saying that they didn't plan on another child anyway, and that he didn't want 18 years of hospital appointments and then to have to worry about his son for the rest of his life

I know that my DH doesn't know this, I know it would hurt him and would affect the way he felt about his parents as he felt terrible loneliness growing up and longed for a playmate. He often says he wished he had a little brother. I wish she hadn't told me.

There have been a couple of occasions when people have tried to tell me something "in confidence". However, as soon as I get that they're telling me a secret, I stop them talking and tell them I will never swear to secrecy. Generally shuts people up, that does.

It's not fair to put that pressure on someone else. If you have a secret, keep your gob shut, or go and tell someone who can help.

Just had this yesterday!
"Can you give your brother a call? Don't let on you know, but...." 🙄
Then when I said I'd called him and asked about the issue the reply was "oh did you!? Is he mad at me now for telling you...?"
Firstly, no. His issue is much bigger than you blabbing to his sister. But secondly, if your first thought is whether he's mad at you, it's probably your guilty conscience telling you that it wasn't your place to tell me...

This is why I only ever spill vague versions of events with totally unrelated parties if I need to let off steam. People who won't possibly meet, and even then not at the details. E.g. "Oh, my friend who is getting divorced is really stressing me out etc".

Come to think of it, my mum told me not to tell my half brother that his gran committed suicide.

FuckingFabulous that's so sad

I say, I can't promise I won't share what you tell me, so perhaps it's best you don't.

One of my mantras in life is "never expect someone to keep a secret you can't keep yourself". It's human nature to gossip - so if you really, really, really don't want something repeating to anyone keep schtum!

That was a shitty position of her to put you in. Nobody has ever put me into a position like that really (thankfully) obviously people have told me stuff and asked me not to tell anyone but none of those secrets directly affected someone else I was close to

I get this constantly and I hate it! I get told about everyone’s affairs etc then I worry about letting slip. It’s a nightmare

I hate it. MIL tried to play that game and to my annoyance I wasnt quick enough to stop her. She told me sonething and told me not to tell my husband. I was too shocked to tell her I don't keep secrets from him. Plus it was really boring and not worth the secrecy and drama.

@FuckingFabulous unless I'm misunderstanding I don't see the issue.
It's not up to your husband if he had a younger sibling and surely he wouldn't have wanted it at all costs even to have had an I'll brother ensuring an illness? I don't really see the big deal

@Eekay that is truly awful of your MIL. I don't think I could keep such a secret - I don't keep any secrets from DH either, and I have been known to interrupt people in the middle of telling me something "before you start, you know I don't keep anything from DH so make sure it's something I can share with him".

As it's likely that the longer it takes to come out the more it will hurt your DH and also your relationship with him if he finds out you knew for the last x number of years and said nothing, I'd like to say that you should ring your MIL and tell her that she needs to tell your DH the thing, directly, in the next 24 hours or you'll tell him yourself. But advice is cheap...I hope I would be brave enough to take my own advice, depending on how much the thing would hurt DH...such a hard situation