People telling you something you'd rather not know then asking you to "Please don't tell anyone"

[Houlyerwhisht]

I'm talking specifically about when it involves another person they KNOW you're close to.

When I was with my ex I was extremely close to his sister. She confided in me that their Mother had an affair years earlier and to be honest it explained an awful lot about her marriage (she stayed with ex's Dad). It would have answered a lot of his questions but she told me not to tell him.

Yesterday, I was put in a similar position about a friend and I'm already keeping something else significant from her that I was told years ago.

I pride myself on not ever betraying confidences (unless I think someone might get physically hurt) but I really begrudge being put into this kind of position. I only hope that if third parties ever find out I knew they also know from experience that I do keep to myself what I'm asked to.

Why do people put you in this position?

And he does have a brother and doesn't have a good relationship....so you can't actually guarantee he'd have had a good relationship with a younger one. It all seems a bit petty with no thought for an unborn baby with hemophilia

[quote Horehound]@FuckingFabulous unless I'm misunderstanding I don't see the issue.
It's not up to your husband if he had a younger sibling and surely he wouldn't have wanted it at all costs even to have had an I'll brother ensuring an illness? I don't really see the big deal[/quote]
Yes, you are misunderstanding. You don't see the issue. My DH would. MIL knows he would because of his very lonely childhood, hence why she doesn't want him to know.

If I am told things without really inviting someone to do it and it weighs heavily on my conscience, I will not promise to keep it a secret. I don't believe I should be forced into having secrets from people I am close to. It feels like lying by omission. Years ago someone told me something that involved a parent. I told them straightaway, as they needed to know. If you want to keep something a secret, don't dump it on someone else.

My paternal grandma and grandad are in their 80s and for the past 20 years hes been her sole carer as she has multiple terminal health problems and dementia.

I had a birthday party for my son many years ago at my home and he came. He left his digital camera and I, being nosy, had a look. It was photos of him with a completely other family, at a party. I didnt know any of these people but there were photos of him next to a woman much younger and holding grandkids etc. He rang in a panic asking for his camera and I never mentioned the photos to him, gave it back.

I eventually told my dad. Apparently it was my grandads "other family". My dad had known for years. He had told his mum as soon as he found out and she had basically said that she knew she wasnt well and grandad was her carer so she would deal with it. My dad encouraged her to leave him and come to live with us. She said no and it was never mentioned again, we have no idea if shes forgotten or not. Some days she doesnt even know who we are and then others shes sharp as a tack so we dont actually know what she knows about anything anymore.

Apparently my dad found out after he saw his dad and this woman out a few times in town, arm in arm. Grandad always had an excuse. Then my dad took ill and ended up in hospital. The woman showed up and was a nurse there. She told my dad everything. Her and my grandad had been together years and she was quite happy with the situation. She felt it "honourable" that he was his wifes carer and was fulfilling his duty. Apparently she had children young and so had her family (kids and grandkids) and grandad just added to her life but wasnt too demanding. Pretty sure that means he gives her money and pays for days out. She knew he was married with grown up children and grandchildren and it was just ok by her. Im unsure if her children know hes married. No idea what will happen between them when my grandma dies. Also his funeral is going to be fun with a random family showing up.

Wow @FelicityCentre, that's such a mind blowing thing to discover!

To pick up on two posters above:

The easiest solution is to be up front and say that you can’t ever be sworn to secrecy in all circumstances. You are not lawyer, doctor or a priest. And even they are expected to disclose certain confidences.

I say, I can't promise I won't share what you tell me, so perhaps it's best you don't.

Believe me, if I knew what was coming I would definitely have said this. I couldn't have begun to have guessed what my ex SIL was about to tell me. This was about 17 years ago now and my ex's parents have both sadly passed away since. Apparently she told him after his Mum died, but before his Dad died. He said it absolutely answered a lot of questions in his mind.

OP I have, on two occasions where I wasn't asked to keep it quiet until after I'd been told, said, "Sorry, you've put me in too hard a position. I can't promise to keep that a secret. "

I was working in a school where a teacher left abruptly "under a cloud" and that is genuinely all I know, except that it wasn't strictly speaking a criminal offence.
I was very shocked at the sudden departure as I had no idea that anything was amiss, but I made of point of not finding out more, so that I could not let something slip when my guard was down; it was a very close community, but it was just easier to say honestly that I really didn't know.

Oh it's hideous isn't it?

The worst bit is when the person in the dark is telling you of plans or feelings which you know would be utterly different if only they knew.

I've had to strongly encourage people to come clean to the person involved, but that feeling of maybe having to be disloyal is gut wrenching. I try very hard now to keep well out of other people's drama - been burned one too many times, sadly.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

In the situation with my ex SIL I could have done that - and might have done now I'm older.

The thing I was told yesterday...I think it's best they keep it to themselves as it won't do any good to anyone to disclose. I just wish they hadn't bloody told ME!

MIL decided, completely randomly and apropos of nothing, to disclose to me how unhappy she'd been in her marriage to DPs father, (subsequently divorced and he was many years deceased at that point) how he had been emotionally abusive, that DPs oldest half sister had approached her prior to their marriage and advised against it, really distressing things DP had no idea at all about. She just sort of did this massive monologue, no warning, then ends with 'and you mustn't tell DP'

I struggled with knowing for quite a while, spoke to a friend about it and she pointed out my loyalty is to DP, not MIL, and it was completely unfair of her to expect me to keep that sort of secret from him. So I told him. It was really hard, and I hated knowing it would hurt him, but it was too big a thing to keep from him. It would have really damaged out relationship I think, especially if he had found out I knew and hadn't told him.

There was absolutely no reason for her to tell me, and I've really resented her putting me in that position ever since.

I hate it when people attempt to do this. It's an imposition. I also hate when someone begins to tell me something awful and I say 'stop, don't tell me any more' yet they continue to the end leaving me with a repository of information that is usually gossip that I don't want to know. Why do people do this?

@Houlyerwhisht

I feel for you. Sometimes the saying "let sleeping dogs lie" is very appropriate.

I am a bit cursed by somehow appearing to be easy to talk to. I end up knowing way too much about people that is none of my business and has the potential to change my views on them unfavourably. With friends, well, that's one thing - but I've had randoms on buses do it, customers in my shop, and on one memorable occasion a new bosses wife divulged how unhappy her marriage was plus her DHs dodgy tax dealings in the three short hours we had to work together.

I was every time I saw him after that, especially when he was being all nicey nicey with his wife in front of me and other staff. Ugh.

@ WeatherwaxLives

MIL decided, completely randomly and apropos of nothing, to disclose to me how unhappy she'd been in her marriage to DPs father, (subsequently divorced and he was many years deceased at that point) how he had been emotionally abusive, that DPs oldest half sister had approached her prior to their marriage and advised against it, really distressing things DP had no idea at all about. She just sort of did this massive monologue, no warning, then ends with 'and you mustn't tell DP' I struggled with knowing for quite a while, spoke to a friend about it and she pointed out my loyalty is to DP, not MIL, and it was completely unfair of her to expect me to keep that sort of secret from him. So I told him. It was really hard, and I hated knowing it would hurt him, but it was too big a thing to keep from him. It would have really damaged out relationship I think, especially if he had found out I knew and hadn't told him. There was absolutely no reason for her to tell me, and I've really resented her putting me in that position ever since.

How did your DP react to you telling him?

@MistressoftheDarkSide

@Houlyerwhisht

I feel for you. Sometimes the saying "let sleeping dogs lie" is very appropriate. I am a bit cursed by somehow appearing to be easy to talk to.

But that's just it! I wouldn't say I look like I'm in the least bit easy to talk to! I am with my friends which is why they trust me but to the casual onlooker I'm a right grumpy and judgemental sod!

@Houlyerwhishthe it was really hard. I told him I had to talk to him, that I had to tell him something and I wished I didn't, but I didn't feel it was right keeping it to myself. That I'd thought a lot about it and felt I didn't have a choice. So I sort of lead up to it slowly (without making it sound like someone was dying iyswim!)

Anyway. He was upset to hear unpleasant things about his Dad, obviously. He was cross with MIL for telling me things that were completely unnecessary, but not cross with me, thankfully. He understood why I was telling him. He was also particularly cross that more than one 'event' I'd been told about he had been present during and recalled very differently. I told him I'd been asked not to tell him, and I left it up to him to decide whether he would tell MIL I'd told him - he decided not to.

@WeatherwaxLives I'm glad he wasn't cross with you and that there was a relatively good outcome. It also shows your own strength of character to be able to do that.