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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting ex to have 4 1/2 month old breastfed baby overnight

33 replies

Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:02

My ex has decided he wants to start having our youngest son along with our 19 month old from Friday till Sunday every weekend. He hasn’t even bothered with our baby apart from 2 weeks when he isolated with us.
When he drops our older son off he doesn’t even ask to see the baby or ask how he is. I’ve said on many occasions “don’t you want to say hello to your other son” and he always says he’s too busy!

So now because I have been speaking to another man and trying to move on he suddenly wants both children, trying to use them as weapons.

My youngest son is breastfed and I do pump on the odd occasion as his grandmother has had him for a few hours before but, it’s a lot of work and I dont get much.

I do not feel comfortable with him having my youngest son for one night let alone two. All he has known is me, he hasn’t ever spent quality time with his dad, which has been his choice not mine and now he is demanding he takes him. He’s also told me that I better get him on formula because he’s going to be bottle feeding him!

I don’t believe he could even manage both the kids together for a couple of hours let alone a couple of nights as he has never done it before with both of them and it’s hard work. My toddler can also be aggressive with my baby and I don’t think their dad would be watching them like a hawk. He’s also careless with things like sterilising and throwing milk away after so long.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 23/03/2021 23:04

Just say no

No one is going to separate a baby who's never spent a minute with his dad to do overnights Confused

Just let him take you to court

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/03/2021 23:06

Ha yeah not happening. No court would let him take a baby that young, especially not bf.

EasterIssland · 23/03/2021 23:08

As others have said refuse it. 2 days is a long time for an ebf child. And you shouldn’t have to pump milk so he can feed him for that long (I hated pumping )

DownWhichOfLate · 23/03/2021 23:09

As they said, just say no. You won’t be made to by a court etc. He can visit your youngest in your home if you are comfortable with that.

Lachimolala · 23/03/2021 23:12

Say no. You cannot separate a breastfed baby from their food source, let him take you to court (I bet he won’t)

YoniAndGuy · 23/03/2021 23:12

Nope. Tell him - go to court.

No judge will give overnights for any breastfed baby - or even one that isn’t. The norm is small frequent visits, building up to overnights, usually around 2 years old.

He doesn’t want them anyway though. Smile and say yes, go to court, all fab, we’ll get an order which suits us both which will eventually mean overnights which I’ll be very pleased at as it will mean I’ve got some free time for my relationship 😁

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2021 23:12

Tell him to go through the courts. No judge will tell you to allow this. Keep all communication and a log of every time you’ve asked him to see his child and he’s refused.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2021 23:19

He’s being ridiculous.

Strange tack for him to take if you really think it’s because you’re dating/trying to date to offer you child free time in which to do it.

Why does he know you’re talking to someone? He doesn’t sound like someone you should be sharing personal information with.

But whatever else is going on, he obviously can’t have overnight contact at this point and while bf. Pumping is a massive pain in the arse so don’t do it unless you really have to or want to. At 4 months it’s not just about the milk itself, you’re all your baby knows.

EL8888 · 23/03/2021 23:21

No, just no. He’s too little. It doesn’t sound like he has shown much interest so far so why now?

Bumblebee1980a · 23/03/2021 23:24

No. Absolutely not.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:27

@AnneLovesGilbert oh no I didn’t tell him, of course not. He saw me with him.

And he’s trying whatever he can to try and get to me. He knows I don’t want him to have our youngest because I don’t feel comfortable with it. It went from he didn’t want any man around our children to he’s going for joint custody to he isn’t going to pay child maintenance to demanding he has our youngest every weekend and telling me he will be formula feeding him.

He’s the sort of person who will do whatever they can to try and hurt somebody if they don’t get their own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:30

Oh and to add, I have told him I do not mind splitting custody to some extent, why would I, the children should have their father in their life and I get my free time.

I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight yet.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 23:32

No way on this earth. Let him take it to court.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:33

@DownWhichOfLate I have offered to let him come in to see our baby but, he hasn’t been bothered and then his excuse is because he doesn’t want to be around me which is fair enough, the feeling is mutual lol.
I have tried to compromise but, he wants it all his way with no interest in the well being of our son.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 23:33

It's a shame you can't say that it's a great idea as you'll get loads of time alone with your new boyfriend. He'd change his mind immediately. I wouldn't do that though.

Poolbridge · 23/03/2021 23:34

I agree with the others. Just say no.
Let him take it to the courts if he was really bothered.
A judge is not going to separate a breast fed baby from its mother.

ceilingsand · 23/03/2021 23:35

Just say no. No court would enforce this.

Twobirdsinatree · 23/03/2021 23:35

Just say no and tell him if he wants that he will have to go to court for it...
The court will absolutely not allow overnights for a breastfed baby that young with him.. especially when he hasn't even tried to look after the baby for periods during the day yet
And I doubt he will be arsed to get the money together to pay for court anyway as it sounds like he's just having a strop not that he's actually someone who genuinely wants to see his baby

So basically you'd be completely safe just telling him no

Bumblebee1980a · 23/03/2021 23:35

He’s the sort of person who will do whatever they can to try and hurt somebody if they don’t get their own way.

So nip it in the bud now. Take the power away from him. Smile, be firm and and say you're BF him and you're not willing to budge on this one. Keep repeating it if you have to.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:37

@HollowTalkGrin I would love too! He’s just trying to make me out to be a bad parent though. He wants me to turn around and say yes, take the children then I can spend time with this guy just so he can throw it in my face and show everybody what a terrible mother I am.

OP posts:
2ndtimemum2 · 23/03/2021 23:38

He wound be awarded overnights with a small baby no judge would order that so you don't have to put up with his threats

Wishitsnows · 23/03/2021 23:40

Omg no really not in the interest of your baby.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 23/03/2021 23:44

Thank you everybody. I am glad that others are in agreement that it’s not in my lo best interests and now I feel more confident in my decision.

I won’t let him bully or intimidate me and I will stick to my guns.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 23/03/2021 23:45

Just tell him that it won't be happening.

If he won't take "no" for an answer, he can go through the Court, let him do the application etc.

They rarely do follow through with these threats, they are just trying to upset and intimidate you.
However, do start keeping a detailed diary of any threats, arguments etc.

vdbfamily · 23/03/2021 23:50

Maybe you could call his bluff and say he can have older son alternate weekend s and see how he gets on. A few dirty nappies and disturbed nights and he may be re thinking his plans

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