young DC and full time work - how much time to yourselves?

[trexmummy]

Just been chatting with DH about this year and our plans for after the lockdown. Our current setup is basically working and looking after our kids who are still in primary school. I just don't feel like I get any time to myself and/or with DH. DH thinks we get enough time in the evenings. But I really feel like since we've had kids - its just work or kids. DH does as much around the house as I do - so it's not like he's not pulling his weight. We had kids later in life so it might be that I still remember the time before and sometimes I miss the freedom of just being able to go and do something or even spend the afternoon reading a book. I feel like I've given up on hobbies - and DH and I only go out as just the two of us about once a year.

I get that we've been in lockdown this past year but that's what got me thinking. Really how much different is my life going to be once things re-open. Yes, I'll be able to take the kids to more stuff and catch up with my friends plus their kids. But we're both in our 40s and am beginning to feel like time is slipping away.

So how much time does everyone else have for themselves and how did you go about carving it out for yourself? How much time do you and your DH spend together without the kids?

bump

Without the children, most evenings after their bedtime. We let them stay up on a Friday later and in the school holidays. Other than work, we rarely left them unless it was really needed.

When ds was small, none. But that was what DH and I had agreed to when deciding we'd both work FT and have a child - our time when not working was about ds and then us as a family. And tbh that was all there was really time/energy for for years.
But then ds was able to do things with us (cycling, swimming, walking), and was able to stay up enough for us to drag him to things in the evening (boring comittee meeting things where he could sit with a tablet), then old enough to leave at home for an hour and so on.

I’m in a very similar position to you, older and with young DC. We have the evenings to ourselves after the kids go to bed but we are always absolutely knackered so it’s just slumping in front of a box set.

We try to take some time for ourselves at the weekend, but it never seems like enough as you’re just conscious of leaving the other person with the kids.

We have no family support nearby so no one to give us a break. (In non Covid times).

I feel like you. I think. We could be doing better but I’m not sure how.

My DC are small so little to none. I can’t wait for childcare (I’m on maternity leave) and then I’ll take some days to myself, go to the movies and shops on my own etc. I need it! Your DH might be happy with the current set up and that’s great.

You aren’t. Time to make some changes. Half day to yourself every 2/3 weeks? Day of annual leave every now and then while kids are at school for time on your own? One evening a week leaning French or doing Pilates? Your DH obviously needs to be offered the same in return but if he doesn’t want it, that’s fine.

School nights kids are in bed 8pm, so that's 2-3 hours in the evening although sometimes get them to read in bed from 7.30. All household stuff done before then. Weekends is an hour later, but my mum (support bubble) will have the kids at least once a month so we usually get at least a 24 hour period a month to go out together etc. Often try and get away for a weekend, sometimes a week together too. Kids go to other family for 2 weeks in summer holidays.

In terms of myself, I'm on my own all day at work, I don't have any hobbies so genuinely don't really crave me time, if I want to go shopping for the day or go see friends etc I would just do it on a weekend (in normal times).

About 45 mins per day of TV watching after they have gone to bed .

Lots. We have a lovely, lovely nanny. She lets us work and will take the baby if we want to do something of an evening. Though there’s not much to do at the moment. That’s not to say I want to be away from the baby all the time, I often don’t, I like being with them after work, but it’s healthy to have time away. I don’t feel defined by my new status as mother, that was important to me. It makes me a better parent.

We only have one DC (3). We get a couple of hours together in the evening as she’s normally asleep by 7:30-8 (one sorts dishes and washing while the other does bedtime).

Weekends we generally have Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday as leisure time as a family - housework/chores are done through the week and first thing on Saturday morning, and we get prepared for the working week on Sunday evening.

I work compressed hours to have a day off every week to get stuff done and spend quality time with DC.

Generally at some point over the weekend we’ll each have a turn at heading upstairs to read or whatever for an hour while the other entertains DC. We also each try and exercise or get out for a run for half an hour or so a few times a week. I mainly do mine stupidly early in the morning though before everyone else wakes up. It’s not for everyone but it works for me.

Obviously not at the moment, but we are both generally quite happy for the other to have a night out with friends or whatever. It goes on the calendar and as long as neither of us take the piss (it would usually be about once a month, twice at most) then it works fine. We are also very lucky that we have plenty of family willing to help with DC for us to have a night out together, maybe once every other month roughly, although I know that’s not the same for everyone (again, not at the minute!)

Once every 3 months or so I take a days annual leave to myself while DC is at nursery. It’s bliss and I feel no guilt. DH could do this if he wanted but he’s a more social being than me and gets bored on his own.

I think you just have to prioritise your time. The Organised Time Technique book is helpful I found. It can be tempting to think you have to spend all your spare minutes with DC but I believe quality time is better than quantity, so when we are having time as a family that’s what we are doing. The housework is done and there’s no distraction. That way I don’t feel bad for DC if I do have some time to myself - they are with their Dad or family who love them, and it keeps me sane and feeling like a person in my own right.

I’m on maternity leave with my first but managed to change my work hours when I return to work 8-3.30 taking only 30 mins lunch

Baby will be in nursery that opens til 6- so sons days I can have a bit of time to myself and husband can collect from nursery

It’s hard without family close by tbh can’t see how we will get many nights out or anything again

But we will move near family next year or 2

Not that much. We avoid taking DD to the supermarket so whichever one goes generally just takes their time to have some time out of the house.
We generally bump along fine in the house each doing their own thing. DD is 6 and isn't needing full on attention all of the time.
We don't often go out on our own but neither of us have been upset by that or even mentioned it, it's just an unwritten thing that we've got about 10 years left of spending as much time as a 3 as possible before one of the 3 wouldn't be seen dead with the older two. At that point we will carve out more time doing things as a two.
Altho we do get time when DD is at grandparents but with working full time and renovating a house/garden we just want to put a film on and slouch.

Fuck all, DD is a terrible sleeper so by the time she’s in bed, I’m ready for bed. I do think covid is having an impact – if you’re WFH you lose the commute read/nap/stare into space time. Right now it’s basically DD time until I drop her at nursery, then 4 minutes home and straight to work. She’s already home (picked up by DP) by the time I finish.

In the evenings I can’t summon the energy to do much but I would bravely struggle on if there were the opportunity to go put to the pub, a restaurant, cinema, anywhere a glass of wine could be had in the company of anyone other than DP

At the moment I’ve got annual leave to use so I’m doing every Friday afternoon off work to spend solo: gardening, walking, writing. It’s not enough but it helps! If I could afford it I’d do 3 days work, 4 days nursery, to have a day to myself. (Actually if I could afford it I’d do no days work, 3 days nursery )

My parents assure me that after the blur of the very small children years, things improve dramatically

@MrPickles73

About 45 mins per day of TV watching after they have gone to bed .

Me too during the week and I’m a sahm.

At the weekend we split on day where we alternative who has the kids and who has time off although we need to do lots in the house and this is kind of taking over that time.

We have not childcare so we don’t get nights out together and as the youngest is still little and feeds to sleep I do not get nights out by myself.

In day to day life not much, if you want (in normal times) nights out with your husband why not get a babysitter?

I think if they are early primary school age, this is where you start to carve a bit of time to yourself. They are likely to still go to bed at reasonably early hour and reliably sleep, so you should at least have evenings when they are in bed. Be militant about not spending this time on housework etc (we used to have a routine where everyone chipped in to tidy up etc after dinner). Perhaps have an arrangement where you have a regular night out in the week to meet friends or do a hobby (post Covid restrictions lifting). DH should have the same. By later primary school clubs start encroaching into the evening, so it perversely gets harder again to take time to yourself.

I would assume work was the ‘me time’.

It is difficult in the evenings so we try to make sure we make time for each other over the weekend.

Pre-lockdown, we would try to book a day off together each term whilst the kids were still at school and treat ourselves to a spa day or trip to cinema followed by lunch. I know it might not be much but it was lovely having something to look forward to.

We have 3 dcs , dh works f/t and I work freelance so hours vary but I do all the pick ups and childcare after-school and preschool and generally work before. We have lots of family but they don't do babysitting or any childcare help at all in any situation so we have to give each other time.
We actually have quite a bit especially since dh is working from home now. I can get out for a run a few times a week as does he, we also free each other up at weekends so half a day we can sleep in, exercise or read/watch a movie or do some other hobbies while the other takes the kids to the park or cycling. Pre covid my dh would go for a few days abroad to go cycling or surfing or holidays with friends, I obvs could too but feel weird going abroad without dcs, that's just me though, no issue with him going etc.
I know some ppl say they can't as prefer to do everything as a family at the weekend but we already spends loads of time together, my dcs never went to childcare when younger (it was due to them being close in age so massively expensive where we live, me working flexibly anyway and personal decision).

Two of our dcs didn't sleep for years and we were absolutely on our knees , we have no family support and childcare where we live is in short supply and very expensive so we reached a stage where we said there are two of us , we need to help each other. We are much, much happier as a result and our kids get a better version of us as we get a rest. I think weekends are a really good time op as you can say to the other person Saturday morning you get a lie in, do your hobby , meet a friend or just veg in front of the TV and then we swap in the afternoon etc. We adore our dcs and do loads with them also but so much nicer to get a bit of space. We are both 36 and our youngest is 4 so getting fitter again and starting to feel much more rested!

Every night we get about 4 hours after my son goes to bed which is around 7pm

And then some weekends (maybe every 3rd weekend) my parents have him overnight.

oh wow lovely to hear so many different responses. will definitely take note of everyone's suggestions. I absolutely love spending time with the kids and perhaps am also feeling that after a year of WFH and having only them and DH for company - am missing some proper adult interaction and will need to build some in once things re-open.

Am probably also feeling my age and beginning to realise that once the kids leave home we will be quite old so it's not like we can just pick things up when we left off. Have even considered going p/t to get a day a week to myself while the kids are at school. Not sure that we can afford it though. Anyone else went p/t just to get a bit of time to themselves?

Could you not swap over more at the weekends? So when things are normal you could meet a friend/do a hobby/join a group etc? You can still have lots of family time too.

@StillUpholding

We only have one DC (3). We get a couple of hours together in the evening as she’s normally asleep by 7:30-8 (one sorts dishes and washing while the other does bedtime).

Weekends we generally have Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday as leisure time as a family - housework/chores are done through the week and first thing on Saturday morning, and we get prepared for the working week on Sunday evening.

I work compressed hours to have a day off every week to get stuff done and spend quality time with DC.

Generally at some point over the weekend we’ll each have a turn at heading upstairs to read or whatever for an hour while the other entertains DC. We also each try and exercise or get out for a run for half an hour or so a few times a week. I mainly do mine stupidly early in the morning though before everyone else wakes up. It’s not for everyone but it works for me.

Obviously not at the moment, but we are both generally quite happy for the other to have a night out with friends or whatever. It goes on the calendar and as long as neither of us take the piss (it would usually be about once a month, twice at most) then it works fine. We are also very lucky that we have plenty of family willing to help with DC for us to have a night out together, maybe once every other month roughly, although I know that’s not the same for everyone (again, not at the minute!)

Once every 3 months or so I take a days annual leave to myself while DC is at nursery. It’s bliss and I feel no guilt. DH could do this if he wanted but he’s a more social being than me and gets bored on his own.

I think you just have to prioritise your time. The Organised Time Technique book is helpful I found. It can be tempting to think you have to spend all your spare minutes with DC but I believe quality time is better than quantity, so when we are having time as a family that’s what we are doing. The housework is done and there’s no distraction. That way I don’t feel bad for DC if I do have some time to myself - they are with their Dad or family who love them, and it keeps me sane and feeling like a person in my own right.

This sounds like a great balance @StillUpholding

Same issue full on job in US company so often late meetings. By the time toddler in bed both me and partner are exhausted and go almost straight to bed. Lockdown has meant little family contact so in 2.5 years we have probably spent max 6 short nights 4pm-9am away together on our own. I just feel exhausted most of the time.
This year we have got a housekeeper 2x a week for a couple of hours just so I can spend some time at the weekends with the baby instead of housework etc. I have also tried to carve out some time in my working day when baby with partner or at nursery to do some exercise. I have found 30 mins on demand classes to be a lifesaver!
Someone tell me this gets better!!

I work in a more than full time hours job and it's tough. When I was commuting I couldn't find the time to exercise without sacrificing either sleep or my already limited time with my child so I didn't do it. Since lockdown and wfh I run or workout 3 mornings a week. Otherwise the 45 mins of tv after my child's bedtime and evening chores sounds about right, although sometimes I work through that. It's tough.