young DC and full time work - how much time to yourselves?

[trexmummy]

Just been chatting with DH about this year and our plans for after the lockdown. Our current setup is basically working and looking after our kids who are still in primary school. I just don't feel like I get any time to myself and/or with DH. DH thinks we get enough time in the evenings. But I really feel like since we've had kids - its just work or kids. DH does as much around the house as I do - so it's not like he's not pulling his weight. We had kids later in life so it might be that I still remember the time before and sometimes I miss the freedom of just being able to go and do something or even spend the afternoon reading a book. I feel like I've given up on hobbies - and DH and I only go out as just the two of us about once a year.

I get that we've been in lockdown this past year but that's what got me thinking. Really how much different is my life going to be once things re-open. Yes, I'll be able to take the kids to more stuff and catch up with my friends plus their kids. But we're both in our 40s and am beginning to feel like time is slipping away.

So how much time does everyone else have for themselves and how did you go about carving it out for yourself? How much time do you and your DH spend together without the kids?

It definitely gets easier but a lot of people posting on this thread seem to have one child so if you have more it's back to the beginning again and so takes lot longer for it to get easier!
Also 6 nights away is pretty amazing in 2 and half years so assuming that's family help, we never get away and our eldest is almost 10 but that's because our families don't do babysitting so we have had to find time to give each other free time. We had 3 close together so spent a long time totally exhausted, it's finally a bit easier and all three play loads together so that's also making weekends so much easier as can entertain each other for hours etc.

my kids are down at 7pm every night, and i am a late sleeper, so i have 7pm - whatever time i go to bed, early for me is 1130am, more normal is 2/3am. Same on the weekends - 7pm whatever time. They stay up late if we have a babysitter over. My kids are 7 and 5, i think in 7 years, i have been away for 3 days on a ski trip with my husband last year march and thats about it.

We have 2 kids - age 5 and 9 months, not much alone time tbh except after bed. Baby is asleep by 7. Big one asleep by 8. One of us does bedtime the other one sorts out dishwasher/kitchen/laundry so we can have some time together from 8. Usually a movie or a boxset show or DH is doing a PT uni course on top of working so he may do some assignments.

In normal times we have social lives outside of each other, our only babysitter is 70 year old MIL so we don't like asking her to do too much - we would go for a meal or an afternoon out but haven't left them both overnight.

When things reopen and back to some kind of normal we have agreed to each take a day annual leave, we are going to get the train somewhere and have a day just us 2 - nice meal, etc and just enjoy the day quietly while DS's are in school/nursery. Can't wait.

@trexmummy

oh wow lovely to hear so many different responses. will definitely take note of everyone's suggestions. I absolutely love spending time with the kids and perhaps am also feeling that after a year of WFH and having only them and DH for company - am missing some proper adult interaction and will need to build some in once things re-open.

Am probably also feeling my age and beginning to realise that once the kids leave home we will be quite old so it's not like we can just pick things up when we left off. Have even considered going p/t to get a day a week to myself while the kids are at school. Not sure that we can afford it though. Anyone else went p/t just to get a bit of time to themselves?

If you have young kids in your 40s then you had the majority of your me time in your 20s/30s - vice versa the other way round. I think older parents feel the shock more for sure.

yes, we had our first at 35 so effectively did have quite a few years child-free (not by choice but it took me that long to get pregnant). but I honestly felt like until I was 30 I spent most of my time doing postgrad qualifications and then trying to establish some sort of a career so still worked most weekends. We dont have any help from grandparents as by now they are just too elderly. will definitely make a list of all the suggestions on here.

do people miss just having time for themselves and also their partner? I never understood the true meaning of the phrase - her/him indoors. Thats literally us......the only time DH and I have together is indoors after the kids have gone to bed. ;-)

We definitely do miss time just ourselves but will have more time in our 40's together hopefully and we do (as cringey as it sounds) have date nights where we watch a movie or get some nice food/wine etc. We simply don't have anyone to leave them with overnight and are so unused to it that would prob find it hard at this stage. We have gotten a babysitter for a few hours pre covid and gone to have a few drinks, listen to some music which was always fun but hard then with the 6am start tbh....We also got a babysitter during the day at the weekend very occasionally and went for a hike or for coffee somewhere while reading the paper but tbh it's 10 euros an hour here for a babysitter and it makes for a very expensive walk.
Definitely agree with trying to take some time off when kids are in school, makes all the difference to have some relaxed time together.

@trexmummy can you swap over weekends a bit and give each other some time?

@Sooverthis1 yes, we should probably do that.I do usually take the kids out to their activities on Sat morning/park to give Dh a bit of time. But we're in London so realistically to meet a friend say in the centre takes at least three hours with an hour there/hour back and an hour for coffee. This is probably why we got into a bit of a rut over the last few years of just focusing on work and the kids. We've never been away without the kids and have never had a babysitter - in part because the little one used to be really bad at going to bed etc so didn't see how it would work really. So we probably just need to make a few changes etc once things re-open a little bit. Am basically trying to plan ahead.

Without pointing out the obvious, what do you miss doing with your partner? Maybe I lived a boring life before kids, I definitely miss the gym but tbh aside from that anything else I can do- get some child care and go to the cinema, get some childcare and go for dinner, watch a film at home, leave DH with the kids and go meet a friend.....

do people miss just having time for themselves and also their partner? I never understood the true meaning of the phrase - her/him indoors. Thats literally us......the only time DH and I have together is indoors after the kids have gone to bed. ;-)

I'm surprised you still feel like this with primary school aged children. Only time I felt like that was when I had a baby under 1. But "couple time" ( apologies) has always been a huge priority for me, we have utilised babysitting as much as we can, it must be difficult without grandparents but we did trusted paid babysitters too. Annual leave days together when kids are in school to go to cinema, meal out etc. Strict bed times, make an effort on weekends to watch a film together and avoid tech etc.

@folloyourarro - i think we had sort of adjusted before the lockdown but it seems too long ago. Plus our youngest is only three so we were sort of just coming out of the whole baby, another baby situation before last year. And this whole year has made me feel like being back in the baby years with homeschooling and both working from home etc and never having a break. So am determined that this time it will all be different ;-) famous last words.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers - one of the things I miss is probably seeing DH outside the house during daylight without the kids. Silly I know. But I also just miss being able to do things without DH or the kids thats just for me. But again that probably the effect of the lockdown as well and being cooped up indoors with everyone for months on end

I'm a single parent so my kids go to their dad 2-3 nights a week including every other weekend. I get loads of time to myself and it's fantastic, just the right balance for us.

Do you both wfh?

If yes make the most of the current situation and go for lunch walks etc together.

We both worked p/t before the DC started school and we've continued to do so for now, to have some time to ourselves. I don't plan to go back to working 5 days a week if I can help it. Makes a huge difference to quality of life.

We could do with the money - we live fairly frugally - but then if we both worked full time we'd be paying more higher rate tax and probably an extra £8k annually in childcare.

Dh and I have time in the evenings (when we aren’t working, neither of us have jobs that we can clock off from at 5). But then we also make time on weekends and other days same as everyone else who has to work.

We take weekdays off either to enjoy doing something ourselves or to go out to lunch together or do another activity. I go for a run and/or a swim most weekends. We both have days to meet up with friends or weekends away (obviously pre COVID). I’d say we both go away 3 ish weekends a year. I personally take at least one holiday abroad, sometimes 2 every year without Dh or the dc. I’m lucky to be able to afford that, but it doesn’t have to be something grand. This year with COVID, I went away for 3 days in a cheap holiday cottage to sleep and read and do some walks. Dh does similar but usually with BIL or a friend.

We also just generally make sure the other gets a break as needed. If I’m really tired, I’ll have a nap and Dh takes them out. If he really needs a break, I’ll do the same.

I think that’s pretty standard stuff though. I don’t know anyone who works in a demanding role who has loads of free time, even without children. Many of my colleagues without kids work part of every Saturday and Sunday. That’s just not the life for me. I don’t mind working 12 hour days during the week but I do build in time for a break - from work and kids.

we currently both wfh but will be back in the office two/three days a week so back to the juggle - one drops off and the other picks up etc. but recently our days/evenings blurred into one work/kids situation and we often just end up working in the evenings to catch up with everything. homeschooling was brutal for us.

@nanbread i was wondering whether p/t could be the way forward - just one day a week of not being someone's mum/employee. did you both decide to do p/t? do you have the same day off or stagger them?

Dh works full time, I work 30h a week (I have one day off). Our two young children are in bed every night by 7.30 so every evening is free for hobbies, seeing friends etc. I go running for 45 mins 3 times a week at 7am.

I get my exercise done in the mornings. Most nights it is family time after dinner so 6ish till 8:38 when ds10 goes to bed, but I love time with him, he is great company. So free time till bedtime. But in non lockdown I may make plans with friends, not often maybe couple times a month. Weekends we have a cleaner come in on Saturday morning and dh does shopping so by midday exercise is done, shopping and cleaning is done. I have lots of house projects at the mo so will get some stuff and jobs done over weekend Inc gardening etc. Family time in evening until ds goes to bed around 9.but I am able to make plans with friends and non lockdown usually once or twice a month I wil have me plans.

I’d condense hours to spend time with the children but wouldn’t cut my hours and then use childcare.

I’d carve out time elsewhere. We just used to take turns in doing solo hobbies etc.

They are little for such a short time and we had plenty of child free time before and do again now they are old enough to not need sitters,

YANBU. Primary age they are constantly in need of you. But don’t worry, when they are teens you will hardly see them at all and they might even go through phases of communicating only in grunts, eye rolls, and sighs of ultimate suffering. That is when you will get plenty of free time. It will come soon, the day you can leave them at home and just you and DH go off for a hike. Then another day when you can do a weekend away. We had our DC when younger...I had all 4 by age 30. So now, in my late 40s, I have one adult living on own, two living at university and only one left at home. It’s a life phase and you will get to the other end :)

yes, we are definitely still at the stage (with the younger one) where he wants me involved in everything he does. So from the minute he gets up to bedtime am basically on call. I know that it will change and I do love them to bits. But sometimes.....just sometimes, I would also just love to do something for myself. I should probably try to go for a run in the mornings, but feel bad leaving DH to take care of the kids by himself. But am sure he'll cope

Kids are 3 and 5. I’m a sahm and my youngest goes to nursery 3 mornings a week so I get that time to myself. I do use it for housework and shopping and things, but also for meeting a friend for a walk or coffee etc.

Kids are usually both asleep by 8 at the latest so we get that time every evening. I exercise 3 mornings a week at 7am as DH doesn’t need to leave for work til 8.30ish. DH exercises after they go to bed usually.

Weekends we try and give each other some time alone. So normally we each get a weekend morning til 10ish to lie in or just do our own thing. We also let the other one exercise for an hour or 2 in the day. I think it’s easier now as one of us can take both kids to the park for a few hours and it’s not a massive mission like when they were toddlers.

No family to help but prior to covid we were getting back into a monthly babysitter for a date night. Yes it’s expensive, but it was worth it just to get out. Also used her for a few hours on weekend afternoons which was amazing. I’m hoping to do that again! DH and I did have occasional weekends with our friends, like once a year, but obviously nothing this past year. We probably also went out on an evening a few times a month with friends and the other one stayed at home with the kids

3DC here, both FT in professional jobs. Both DH and I manage to exercise every day and we share the load at home. FGS don't go part time to get more 'me time', all that happens is you need up being paid less to do as much work and more duties at home unless you are totally ruthless. I'd look at what you're doing that is taking up time, it might be due to lockdown but I've no shortage of time with DH since he's been WFH, although I can't wait until we can go out and do something. I think with young DC there is an element of accepting life is different and chasing what it was pre-kids is just not going to happen, as they get older it gets different again.