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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to join income ?

49 replies

Troublewaters2021 · 23/03/2021 20:22

Hi I am sitting alone in a parents room at the hospital reading threads and have found it interesting about joint / spilt income. From what I can see most say joint etc

In our house we have 3 children
I have 2 from previous relationship and 1 with DP.
I already had a house when we met and will soon be moving ( no mortgage ) the money is coming from my current property and the house will only be in my name.
In terms of money. I warn considerably more than DP. 3-4 times the amount.
I’m not going to share our money equally. He pays no money towards home etc I pay the household bills and food ( he does some food shopping to )
He has a lot less left at end of month than I do but not due to paying out for household stuff.

Is this really unreasonable of me am I monster like some of the men are called ?

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 23/03/2021 20:30

I don’t share with my husband , we pay the same amount towards the bills etc and what’s left is for each of us to save / spend as we choose

EvilEye · 23/03/2021 20:33

What does he contribute financially to your home and your child?

Ivy48 · 23/03/2021 20:33

We don’t share, split the bills 60/40 due to wages, foodshops are 50/50. If stuff needs doing in the house we go 50/50 or if someone has savings they’re happy to spend that gets used first. But our money is separate and whatever’s left after we pay our share to the joint account is ours. We’d never ever pool our money

EasterIssland · 23/03/2021 20:35

I don’t share neither. I earn more than him so treat the family to holidays or sometimes pay upgrades in the house. Also paying the family car on my own. It works for us

SarahBellam · 23/03/2021 20:52

Sounds like your DP has a pretty sweet deal. In his shoes I’d be saving to buy a rental property in case it went pear shaped.

yoyo1234 · 23/03/2021 20:58

Being MN we would all be telling him to get married Grin.

NotAPanda · 23/03/2021 21:04

Your DP doesn’t pay anything at the moment so I’d say it’s fair. However if he also does the bulk of the housework/childcare and sacrifices his income to do so then you’re being unfair.

NotAPanda · 23/03/2021 21:06

Also why does he have less left - was he in debt /alimony from a previous marriage?
That again is his own doinf, nothing to do with you... as all his left money can be used for personal stuff as you pay the bills...you’re actually subsidising him to a very large extent.

Womencanlift · 23/03/2021 21:09

You sound very sensible OP.

Maybe it’s my experience from my work - I work for a company who provides financial advice and they have done a lot of research into female wealth - but it shocks me how many women (if you go by the threads on here) have no financial independence.

Even before I started working it was always drilled into me by my mum to never be reliant on anyone for money and always have access to your own finances

We see from threads how many women are blindsided by their partner so however secure you feel in a relationship it may not always be that way

cheesebubble · 23/03/2021 21:10

I wouldn't if I was you!

foxhat · 23/03/2021 21:31

I think when men are called 'monsters' it is usually when their partner is doing the vast majority of childcare and working part time in order to do that and the man does still not see the need to share finances/ more of the finances. If your DP earns 1/3 of what you do as you work full time and they work 3 days a week then yes you're probably being unreasonable. If they work as much as you and you do at least 50% of childcare not so much.

DinosaurDiana · 23/03/2021 21:34

You need to speak to a solid about your home, could he make a claim against it if he’s been living there for a certain amount of time ?

Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 23/03/2021 21:36

Haha thank gosh
The only reason he has less left over is he earns much less he is still better off living with me than he was before as he had same wage but was paying rent / bills etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 23/03/2021 21:40

At the moment I am on maternity leave but I don’t think he will do more childcare as such.
He will finish work and get home around 6 I will be home by around 7.30 so 1 hour and half between us each day but the weekends I would be doing the majority which would make up for those hours.

OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 23/03/2021 21:47

The advice would be so very different if the higher earner was your partner. The double standards are quite astonishing. If you're not happy with what he contributes to your family then you need to speak to him about contributing more, in whatever way he can.

Dorchester · 23/03/2021 21:57

Keep monies separate if you can. Then no-one can blame or criticise what the other spends money on.
I’m in my second marriage and we have always had separate finances. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of like I was in my first marriage where my then DH took out loans in my name and forged my signature!
Took me a while to find out. I was livid.

HerMammy · 23/03/2021 22:02

So your DP has no fixed outgoings??
He lives free of charge at your house??
Outwith the mortgage, living costs should be split proportionally, he’s landed on his feet with you!

Poptart4 · 23/03/2021 22:16

I think all men and women should have their own savings and spending money. I'm a grown adult and refuse to ask for permission or explain myself if I want to blow a chunk of money on something frivolous. Couples I know who put money into one pot always get defensive when I make this point but having witnessed several arguments between these couple's over the years, they cant deny the facts.

The double standards on here are staggering though. If you were a man you'd be crucified as a financially abusive prick.

NeedATan · 23/03/2021 22:26

@Poptart4

I think all men and women should have their own savings and spending money. I'm a grown adult and refuse to ask for permission or explain myself if I want to blow a chunk of money on something frivolous. Couples I know who put money into one pot always get defensive when I make this point but having witnessed several arguments between these couple's over the years, they cant deny the facts.

The double standards on here are staggering though. If you were a man you'd be crucified as a financially abusive prick.

Exactly. If the roles were reversed posters would be out for your DP's blood.
Rewis · 23/03/2021 22:28

I'm not sure the "if the genders were reversed" argument is valid. We are giving advice to the op based on what is best for her. If she was at the partners position then we would give advice what would be best from her perspective at that point. I think the advice is based on the position of the op, not gender.

If partner would come here and ask what to do, then we can tell him to get married to protect himself 😁

Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 23/03/2021 22:31

I think living costs are split equally in a sense that I still have more left over than he does due to gap in wages. I just couldn’t imagine splitting my money at the end in 2. He would have a huge increase in money ( he already does as no bills etc ) just because he moved in with me 😂 I would have less money which tbf I prioritise saving for the kids future with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troublewaters2021 · 23/03/2021 22:33

I should add he has access to his own money. He has a gym membership / move clothes can do what he wants with his money.
It’s just I spent years as a single mum working all hours to provide a home and stability for my kids to then share half seems a bit odd.

OP posts:
foxhat · 23/03/2021 22:44

I disagree that this is gendered. Can someone link to a thread even vaguely similar really where the man has been ripped to shreds? OP if you are not going to share finances then you need to be doing 50/50 on things like looking after the kids if they are sick and if your OP work means he can't get there for 6, this is as much your problem as his. If you do properly pull your weight in this way I can't see the issue. That sad, I take home twice what my OP does and we share everything. We are married and it is our money. We contribute in ways we can and take what we need. I don't think it's as simple as 'who earns what'. At least not for us.

titchy · 23/03/2021 22:46

The only reason threads where the genders are reversed go differently is because the woman is the lower earner BECAUSE she has done the SAHM stuff for the benefit of the whole family, thus sacrificing her earning potential.

In this case the male partner hasn't sacrificed his earning potential for the family so it's moot.

honeylulu · 23/03/2021 22:51

I think the issue here that justifies it is your two children from previous relationship. If you share more with DP there is less for your children. I'm married but if I got divorced or widowed I would not remarry or pool finances with a new partner for that very reason.

Your DP is getting a very good deal. It doesn't sound like he's sacrificing his career to provide childcare or be a house husband. If he wants more disposable income he can always follow your lead and get a better job.

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