AIBU not to join income ?

[Troublewaters2021]

Hi I am sitting alone in a parents room at the hospital reading threads and have found it interesting about joint / spilt income. From what I can see most say joint etc

In our house we have 3 children
I have 2 from previous relationship and 1 with DP.
I already had a house when we met and will soon be moving ( no mortgage ) the money is coming from my current property and the house will only be in my name.
In terms of money. I warn considerably more than DP. 3-4 times the amount.
I’m not going to share our money equally. He pays no money towards home etc I pay the household bills and food ( he does some food shopping to )
He has a lot less left at end of month than I do but not due to paying out for household stuff.

Is this really unreasonable of me am I monster like some of the men are called ?

There are no double standards.

Usually when women come on MN they have no access to family finances. They do all the childcare and all the housework, they aren’t on the property but pay out half for all expenditure and the bulk of not all of the children’s expenses including childcare.

So no this is not double standards.

OP before DH and I got married we had separate finances, I had my older DC and a house (with a mortgage), when we moved in together we contributed equally to the house deposit and we both contribute equally to household expenditure and chores are split fairly also.

I wouldn’t merge finances in your shoes, your DC lose out if you then split from your DP & he leaves with proceeds of half a house he has not contributed towards.

I am happy with the way things are I don’t think he needs to pay more and vice versa about the comment regarding my responsibility for the kids etc if he can’t get home for 6 and stuff

It’s not really an issue I don’t it for 12 years prior to him so my kids are still my sole responsibility. If my children are sick or need collecting I do it just liken I always have done.

I would also be respond for paying the childcare fees for youngest.

DP sounds a bit pointless to be honest.

He is already getting a free ride. I'm not sure I see the point of him but he landed on his feet when he met you.

Sounds fine to me.

Second marriage here too - no joint children, and only mine young enough to live with us.

I earn about 4x his salary.

It’s my house, and I pay for everything except food. Food isn’t officially 50:50 - it’s just that whoever shops pays and that falls about 50:50. In the bills, I pay all the extra cost of him - council tax, increased utilities. He does pay his personal bills - phone, car insurance - that sort of thing.

So he “costs” me money - but I still have more than him left as disposable. And though he has less than me, since he moved in with me he has lots more than he did before.

We’re very open about money - just very separate.

There’s no situation where I lord it about over him with all my money, as I save it for our retirement, or I pay for holiday. So whilst I have more, it’s never the case that he’s counting the pennies whilst I’m throwing away 20s after using them to snort coke 🤷🏻‍♀️

Like you @Troublewaters2021 I have sometimes wondered whether MN would go 50:50 on me being financially abusive vs him being a cocklodger! 🤣 Works for us!

Haha @Cocomarine I find it fascinating ! Yes it does seem one way of another.
I suppose families are complex.
Don’t get me wrong He buys things for our daughter etc.

I think the only time separate finances is "wrong" is when one person in the couple is sacrificing financially and the other isn't. Since this is MN there are a huge number of women who do that when kids come along and a huge number of women who get screwed over by separate finances, so I understand why it's the default. But even then, there are ways to sort out your finances so that it's fair without going for joint accounts and sharing all assets, it's just that that almost never happens and it requires ongoing discussions and decision making that sharing finances doesn't. But there are situations where shared finances aren't a great idea even for a sahm. If the DP is really bad with money or an addict or the like, or if there are children from previous relationships then totally merging finances might not be sensible at all.

And as society is changing we are seeing more and more women who are doing the majority of the childcare and earning most of the money so the "fairness" of shared finances in terms of providing a justified safety net becomes less compelling as an argument.

@Poptart4 I suppose it depends on how much money you have to spend in the first place. We have one pot and nothing you described happens in our relationship. We're quite high earners in London and can both do what we want and don't need each other's permission. I discuss a big purchases, I spent £1400 on baby stuff, it makes sense to discuss it. Did I need his approval, no. It's mutual respect in my opinion.

We have personal credit cards for birthdays/ Christmas / Father's Day etc, so nobody would see what the other person bought but they're being paid off in full each month from the joint pot.

I do think people who have never lived this concept find it hard to understand but people should be able to do what works for them and it works for us, so whatever you think is right shouldn't matter for us and other relationships?

The double standards on here are staggering though. If you were a man you'd be crucified as a financially abusive prick

Utter bollocks 🙄 A woman who wasn’t married, wasn’t a SAHM and didn’t have any bills to pay, would not be told her partner is a financially abusive prick. I don’t understand the incessant need to dick pander and pretend men are so hard done by.

I think that when a young couple are starting out in life and both are building careers, buying a home together, having DC which results in one of them having reduced earnings due to childcare responsibility or they decide one will sah, then it's good to pool money so that there is equity in the relationship. It often works out that if one parent sah, their career stalls or the wohp benefits because they don't have to adjust their working life at all as the slack is picked up by the sahp. In those circumstances I would see all money as joint.
But there's a big difference between that situation and a relationship where there are children from previous marriages and where one person already has assets. In your situation you have children whose security absolutely has to be your priority. You can't risk having a man claim half your house if things go pear shaped.
I would make sure, in your position that he pays his fair share of bills and costs for your shared child and I would not allow him to pay for home improvements since this gives him a claim. I wouldn't marry if I had children from a previous relationship as I would see my responsibility as protecting their best interests.
Hopefully he's not spending all his money on transient crap and not saving for his own future.

He needs to be paying his share of childcare costs. That's more important than a gym membership. Mind you don't encourage cocklodging behaviour by letting him off the hook for all things financial. He's not a child.

He should be properly contributing towards his child's upbringing, paying his share of childcare and not just 'buying things'. I bet all the expensive purchases for her fall to you don't they?

My DH earns more than me. We both work and always have, but my career took a backseat when the kids came along (by mutual choice). Since I went on my first mat leave we have had a joint account. Both of our salaries go into that, all bills come out of it (including paying into savings for ourselves and the kids). We spend what's left as we wish. Any big purchases are discussed, but we never sit down and total up what we each have spent. To me that seems fair. I could earn a lot more if he was the 'go-to parent' but he's not. He's in the military and is away a lot.

Well you're female so by MN logic
Yadnbu except that he's clearly a lazy CF cocklodger who is only with you for the free ride and sex so tell him to get a better job and step up to pay for his family or get out. Def never marry him.

Of the sexes were reversed
You need to marry him ASAP, just book the registry office and tell him to turn up. You also need joint access to all money. You have a child, what's yours is his. And if course he should pay the bills he earns more and you have the kids an extra 90 minutes a day. And if he won't give you full access, charge him childcare for looking after someone else's kids because this is financial abuse.

In reality, Def don't marry him 😂 but it's fine of you both have access to money, one of you isn't at home eating potnoodle whilst the other is in the Caribbean because they couldn't pay their share etc

I think reading your post as if you were a man, I earn more I own the house, I have 2 children full time from a previous marriage, and we have a child together and one on the way.
My partner is in full time work, does a couple of hours looking after their child in the evening but I do the weekends, and all the housework, and they just pay a few bills.

I'd be saying to you don't get married, how the heck do you cope.

I don't think I'd tell a woman who had full access to all her own wages, no mortgage/rent costs, no childcare responsibility or childcare bill, that her dp had an obligation to marry her and share his house and wages.

Dh and I are married over 20 years. We eventually got a joint account after about 10 years but only to allow partial drawdowns on a mortgage extension for extending the house, which needed an account with both our names on it. And has since proved useful for the odd cheque my DM sends me when she owes me money - she cannot wrap her head around the fact that I am still Ms Pop and never became Mrs DHSurname.

For years, Dh paid mortgage and I paid childcare and general utilities. We shared annual bills like insurances, car servicing etc. I usually bought food but because it was easier for me to get there, Dh would do it on occasion or offer to pay me back if he thought I'd paid too much some months. And he pays the cleaners.

We both earned enough to have spending money of our own and put away savings (but as he earned more and is also less speedy, he has more savings - so tended to pay the big things in the house like replacing appliances when needed etc). We have both been able to give the other money if needed at various points over the years.

As we've recently paid off the mortgage and childcare has gone (but school fees and expensive sports have replaced those) we are in a process of rebalancing. Dh is doing a lot of food shopping with dd as she's so fussy. Some bills are all over the place with COVID anyway and we need to change a few suppliers. So we need to sit down with accounts and bills and paper to work that out again.

I couldn't see my partner have less spending money than me.

I couldn't see my partner have less spending money than me

So you’d pay all your partners bills (not husband), all of his share of child care and give him money just for earning less than you? Why on earth would you do that?! I would understand if they were married and he was a SAHD, but he’s not.

I honestly don't get the poor menz posts on here.

The bloke would be worse off if he were living on his own. He'd be paying his own living costs, he would also have greater childcare responsibility than he currently does and owe at the very least CMS payments.

OP would have single person discount for council tax, and CMs payments coming in she would also get every other weekend and one day a week off from childcare of her joint child with her current DP.

No way on earth would a man posting this scenario get told any different.
I've read many many threads on here where a woman querying being charged rent gets absolutely crucified for expecting her OH to foot her living costs.

Only a man would be a selfish monster. But since you are a woman it's called sensible to protect your assets.

Only a man would be a selfish monster. But since you are a woman it's called sensible to protect your assets

Sure, because it’s so selfish to pay all of a man’s bills for him, isn’t it? Do you want to show us the posts where men have been called selfish monsters for paying all of their partner’s bills and child care costs, even though she’s working and earning her own wage?

Are you married OP?