To expect to meet my partners father before I am showing?

[Gabor]

Ok so sorry for the long post. M y partner and I have been together 18mths we are now ttc. We met pre covid and I met his mum approx a month before Covid lockdown 1.0 his father wasn't home so I didn't meet him. I haven't met his mother since but we have spoken on the phone, we have been sending food for each other etc. I have spoken to his father on a few occasions briefly over the phone but not met in person and yes I know we have been in lockdown so I know there has been that but we did open up in the summer.I casually said to my partner I hope I meet his father before I am showing ( not pregnant yet) as I would feel rather embarrassed if I met him for first time visibly pregnant His response was "its not a big deal and what would you do about it if you didn't meet him before then?" Full disclosure he isn't super close to his parents but the speak weekly. I'm very close to my mother who he has a very good relationship with. I'm not so close to my father our relationship is strained but he will 100% meet my partner before im visibly showing I think its just a respect thing to my our parents and too each other. AIBU?

Why are people giving the OP a hard time for TTC after ‘only’ 18 months? I’ve been in a strong relationship for just under 2 years, lived together for 18 months, and we’re currently TTC. We’re both 30 and want a family, and have an absolutely rock solid relationship. How long would it be deemed acceptable to wait: another year, 2, 3? Things naturally move a bit faster when you’re older, I don’t see the point of waiting for the sake of it, and potentially wasting fertile years. Just confused about some of the judgement on this post

“Get married first if you have hang ups about the morality side”

Have I stumbled across a time slip?

I think you're overthinking it. If you're not pregnant yet there's plenty of time to meet the parents before you're showing (although I really don't understand why it's an issue to meet them when you are showing).

The Maripan - it would be more beneficial for all the children of these relationships if you have stumbled !

You’re being very odd about the whole thing. Not being a teenager doesn’t mean you automatically make good decisions. And focussing on looking pregnant and what his dad might think suggests your priorities aren’t right at all.

I think I you’re rushing things and therefore getting fixated. 18 months is no time at all - and this OST year has been - well - odd to say the least.

For starters 18 months is very quick to be ttc! What's the hurry?

I think it's important to know a partners family and friends before ttc as it's an important part of getting to know the partner

I'd also advocate marriage before ttc for a number of legal and financial reasons unless the potential mother is well off independent of employment

B my teenage years are behind me so there should be little concern over my descion making.

What an odd - and frankly immature and nonsensical way to think!

Plenty of women in their 20's/30's/40's choose poor partners and fathers for their children and this is even more the case if you rush into things. Not being a teenager doesn't protect you or any potential children from the legal and financial ramifications of poor decision making

How long have you lived together? How are your finances managed? How will they be managed during may leave and if you decide to be a Sahm or go part time? Have you discussed division of Labour during pregnancy/after the birth? Does he pull his weight and act fairly over finances now?

Lots to discuss

Why aren't you marrying first?

Yes, but with all due respect you haven't had a life together. Covid has made people/living very insular totally agree

@Batshitkerazy because there are sound psychological and statistical outcome reasons why rushing into relationships and having dc is generally a bad idea.

Biochemically for the 1st 18 months to 2 years you are still wearing rose coloured glasses and only seeing the positives, this is in normal times. You then go through a phase of noticing the negatives and if it's a good relationship and you're with a genuinely good person this then balances out and you settle into a realistic relationship. If there are red flags this second phase is often when they are noticed and relationships ended.

We are not in normal times so relationships can be quite intense, develop more quickly than they normally would and people may well ignore red flags due to limited social interactions and the chance to see your partner as others see them, have the feedback from friends and family etc

In addition these uncertain times may lead to increased feelings of mortality, imbalance and broodiness for all the wrong reasons

You're not "waiting for the sake of it" you're spending time ensuring the person and the timing is genuinely right

In this case I suspect the "I'm not a teenager" line indicates the op is under 25 and therefore still not especially mature or experienced

@Batshitkerazy I’d just be cautious because they haven’t been together for much of normal life, the majority of their relationship has been very unusual circumstances so I’d want to be sure that we worked well together in normal life before signing up to have someone in my life for 18 years.

Good points both! I think you can also look at it the opposite way too though. Lockdown has given us some indication of how a relationship can cope during troubled and ‘unusual’ circumstances, and therefore a good test of how it is likely to fare in the future. In my case, me and DP have worked from home together for a year on the same dining room table, and then gone on to spend evenings and weekends together too. Yep sometimes we bicker and he drives me crazy, but he also still makes me smile everyday and I love his company. Perhaps it is a similar situation for the OP. I think only the couple themselves can decide when the time is right, and there isn’t necessarily a set timescale it ‘should’ take. As long as you are both settled, happy, on the same wavelength, living together successfully, and have a robust financial plan. You could spend 4 years with someone, have a DC, and then they immediately leave for another woman. But similarly, you could meet someone and be pregnant in a few months, and have a long and happy life together. Waiting longer is no guarantee that it’s going to work, you’ve just got to trust in the timing of your life and your instincts

@sneakypetesgrandmaisace I couldn't agree with you more!
I've got a 10 month-old baby with my OH and am unmarried.
I've heard sooooooooooo many times on MN "You should be married before having kids because if you split you'll be protected financially." There's this assumption that my partner is the main earner simply because he is a man.
The reality is I am the main earner (I have a postgrad qualification, he didn't complete uni), I have significant savings and he has none, and he also has some debt.
So actually, if we married, it would be me potentially putting myself in a far more vulnerable position.