Husbands covid anxiety is out of control

[whatamess101]

I get that covid is a genuine and very real concern and I am not blasé about covid risks myself but my husband's anxiety is out of control. It's all he talks about and is reading the news constantly. He rarely leaves the house (he works for home). If we do go out as a family for a walk he gets very agitated, especially passing people. I remind him that it's incredibly unlikely to catch it passing people outdoors. His answer to all my reassurances are ffs whatamess there's a pandemic. Everything that comes into the house has to be antibac'd - including all post and food shopping (I even found him antibacing a garlic bulb...). I'm really worried about the effect it's having on our children (3 and 6 yrs). My 3 year old is always asking if he is going to catch the coronavirus if he does something wrong. We went for a walk at the weekend and husband shouted at them for touching a tree in case it had the virus on it!!! But the worst was this morning, our 3 year old blew a raspberry and a bit of spit landed on my husband who then shouted at him saying he could make daddy very ill! Shocking, we had a big argument about that.

We live in an area with quite low covid rates. He is 43, he has mild asthma but otherwise healthy. He is generally risk adverse and a bit of a worrier and it's often been a sticking point when parenting the children.

I just don't know how to help him. I've tried listening and being empathetic to his worries but this seems to egg him on. So now I'm ignoring it and when he mentions the news I say I don't want to talk about it. I've asked him to consider CBT but he says he doesn't have a problem he's just being sensible and it's a pandemic how else should he behave.

I know we're in very unusual times, but am I wrong to think this is not reasonable behaviour? Would I be unreasonable to give him some sort of ultimatum to get professional help?! Any advice would be appreciated.

You're right to think this isn't a normal level of worry - your DH is dealing with a major anxiety issue. Until he acknowledges this and seeks help, there's little you can do. He needs to see the GP, he needs to have therapy and he may need medication. All you can do is be firm in asking that he does these things - because his anxiety is already affecting his children, and that isn't acceptable. There need to be consequences for his refusal to act, however - and those may be very difficult for all of you.

I’m not sure how you’ll convince him this level of anxiety is completely disproportionate but the two interactions you describe with your dc are worrying. Especially as Covid is unlikely to disappear completely for years and we’re going to have to find a way to manage and live with the underlying risk.

He needs to go to the GP. This is a MH issue and will almost certainly improve with medication and therapy. If he's not keen to go, stress the negative impact he is having on the DC.

You need to sit down and tell him that you understand his behaviour is coming from a place of concern but it’s not rational or proportionate and he needs to seek medical help. Tell him to make a GP appointment.

You can speak to his GP a before hand or explain to extend of your concerns but his GP won’t be able to comment on it but they can listen to you and note your concerns.

He needs to agree to get help, he cannot emotionally and psychologically abuse your children due to his anxiety. They need to be able to be kids.

His response is not rational or proportionate. You may have to give him an ultimatum for him to see just how serious the issue is. I had to do this with DH after his mother's death in order to get him to seek help because his behaviour and grief was impacting the children and myself. It did give him a wake up call.

GP. Tell them your worries, they may need to do a house or telephone call if he won't be open to attending.

Otherwise you have to consider whether its a bigger risk to your kids to be exposed to his behaviour or not to around him until he seeks help.

How frustrating. It must also be very galling when he makes out you’re the one with the problem. He does sound irrational. Yes, we do need to be careful but the tree touching reaction was way over the top! And your poor children - they’re going to develop irrational fears too at this rate.

I’d veer between sympathy and telling him not to be such an idiot, I honestly don’t think I could cope with the lack of logic he’s applying. It may well be a mental health issue, it could be a form of control, who knows? Either way, you can’t go on like this. Would an ultimatum work? Is there a trusted family member who could have a word?

That’s not normal. Problem is that his not at a stage yet where it is directly affecting him in a negative way so it is massively unlikely he will even register that he has a problem.

He needs help though.

Thank you so much for your responses, they're really helpful. I don't think I've appreciated how severe and impactful his anxiety is. You're right, he needs to see the GP. I know I'm really going to struggle to get him there though. The problem is he's in denial he even has anxiety, he's lost sense of reality. And tbh he isn't the most logical person even on a good day! He loves the kids so much, I think if he genuinely understood how much his behaviour is impacting them he might consider it. I'm not sure I could stomach even threatening to take them away from him though but I should put them first of course... urgh it's horrible!

This is not a normal level of worry. He needs help but I don't know how you can convince him of this.

My husband was like this. Eased off alot since the kids went back to school in September but it is still there.
You need to tell him how much it is affecting you and your kids.
For us, it was things like them never having any one on one time with him because he was too scraed to take them anywhere. The fact that he shouted at them when they fell over because he was scared they had picked somehting up off the floor. As I said to him - i understand that you are shouting because you are anxious but the kids think you are shouting because they have been naughty by falling over. It was ruining their relationship which was laready fracgile because this anxiety has always ben there. COVID just brought it out of him and made it harder for him to hide.
DH had some therapy last autmn and it has made a huge difference.

If he won't see a gp could you chat to a health visitor for advice.
Your dh's anxiety is out of control and is detrimental to your dc.

That's out of proportion, he should seek help and hopefully having his vaccine soon will help too (group 6 with asthma).

I’d be very worried for my children around him- I grew up anxious as a child (diff reasons), it’s horrible. If you have somewhere else to go I’d be inclined to say see a gp or me and the kids can’t stay here.

I'm not sure I could stomach even threatening to take them away from him though

You need to change how you’re thinking about this. You don’t want to upset your husband but you’re happy for him to shout at your little children when they behave like children? That’s not right. I sympathize but your children need to be protected. You don’t have to be complicit in your children’s abuse.

If he has mild asthma, could he get the vaccine now?

What frustrates me about this sort of irrational anxiety is how non-logical it is. I mean, your DD spitting on him is no more dangerous than the fact that they live int he same house. All the evidence shows that prolonged proximity inside is the highest risk for spreading it. But maybe you can use that to shock him? Tell him that he needs to now live in just one room of the house, alone, as he's' so terrified and he's terrifying the children, so he should remove himself completely to keep himself safe. Because obviously he should not touch, hug, kiss the children nor should he enter their bedrooms or vice versa.

I don't know if that will work but I do know I couldn't' live like this. Irrational paranoia is probably the single biggest issue I have with DH' family and why I will never be super close to them even if we get on fine overall.

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb

If he has mild asthma, could he get the vaccine now?

Unfortunately I don’t think so OP this is not normal and suggests a MH issue, especially since it’s impacting the children

Is there someone whose opinion he respects with more of a normal view of risk he could talk to? A friend or relative? Someone who has been careful but not to extremes?

For someone so concerned about risk he sounds incredibly poorly informed about the virus. It’s some time since it was proved that it couldn’t be contracted from hard surfaces. Maybe suggest that he brings himself up to date with the latest scientific findings.

We’re becoming almost as addicted to therapy and counselling as the US and it’s really unhealthy. What he really needs is a reality check.

@Ohdoleavemealone that's exactly it, his anxiety has always been there but he can't hide from it with covid. Did he willingly seek help or did you need to persuade him?
I appreciate everyone's comments, nothing like a slap around the face from MN is there. I will talk to him about it again about how it affects our children and our relationship and I'll support him getting help. If that doesn't go well I'll think about next steps. But I no, I won't keep my head in the sand and let the children suffer. I also grew up in an anxious household @OnlyFoolsnMothers so I don't want to put them through that.

For someone so concerned about risk he sounds incredibly poorly informed about the virus

Much more clearly articulated than what I tried to say. But it does seem to be a feature of this type of anxiety. There's very little genuine understanding of risk, leading to anxiety. I'm not a therapist but perhaps that's a feature? eg people worried that 30 people in 17 mn had blood clots but they don't have the skills or knowledge or ability to put that in the context of other risks we happily take on every day, including contraception, road use etc.

@Triffid1 yes I agree with that. I know other people too that have little understanding of risk which leads to anxiety. For DH I think this is extreme, any risk is a risk to him even though nothing in life is 100% safe.

I think there were a lot of us like this a year ago. But not now. It’s unhealthy. Good luck OP. Hope he gets the help he needs. And bravo for standing up to him about his damaging, hurtful outbursts.

I think talking to him gently is thr answer, but you need to prepare what to say, ..so for example if he says this is how everyone behaves, it’s a pandemic, how should he behave, what will you respond?

He is clearly very unwell indeed and has lost all ability for rational thought. This would be concerning normally but he’s around small children and his illness is causing them issues. What he said to your child about them making him ill was really unacceptable. Your 3 year old child should barely know what Covid is, never mind be asking if they will catch it which shows how far this has spiralled. As does discinfecting garlic bulbs. Mental illness can also by its very nature make people very selfish. It becomes all about them.

He’s no longer rational enough to understand how ill he is. So understanding what you’re going to say to him in advance, and what help you’re requesting he gets, is really important. Offering to speak to the gp with him and explaining how his behaviour is manifesting may be a solution,

If not I don’t think he can be around the children any more. I’m sorry. This sort of thing has long term consequences.

My DH has severe health anxiety/fear of death.

Covid has been very difficult for him but he does recognise that it's anxiety and he uses the statistics to reassure him that things are not as bad as first feared.

He has got fitter and lots a shed load of weight to lessen his personal risk though! He is clinically vulnerable so has had the vaccination now but way before that he stopped sanitising things etc.

I guess this is the balance as to where your DH needs to be - ok to be fearful but that he can keep it in check using his rational mind.