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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide my pregnancy from friends and family?

38 replies

Hidden3 · 22/03/2021 19:00

I'm currently pregnant with our third baby, unplanned contraception failure and was a big shock as had no plans to have any more children.

I considered terminating, predominantly due to lack of space but changed my mind after a consultation as current circumstances are changeable and not reason enough to end a pregnancy IMO. We've now started saving a reasonable sum per month to move. (OH works FT and I'll be returning to work in April when my sector reopens)

When I announced our second baby (planned like our first) certain people were really down on me about it, cue "however will you cope" and "do you think that's a good idea given how much hard work DS is" (he's disabled)

Among other patronising statements.

One of my oldest friends was visibly deflated and dissaproved when I told him about our last pregnancy. No idea why.

My DM knows and has been supportive but I've asked her not to tell anybody else, including my aunt who was particularly negative last time.

I'm considering keeping the pregnancy a secret and not telling anybody about it because I can't be bothered with the inevitable negativity. I haven't seen my brother in almost a year, haven't seen my aunts in month's and all of my friends live 150 miles away, in my home town.

AIB ridiculous to hide the pregnancy until the babies born? would you if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 22/03/2021 19:05

Yeah don't tell any of them if they're gonna be dicks about it. Confused

How rude of them to make the comments they did!

These are the same people who will crow 'aaaaw what a shame it's another boy!' if someone has 2 boys, and their third child is another boy.

Awful.

Congratulations by the way! Smile Flowers

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 22/03/2021 19:06

If you're not going to see people and it would help your mental health then go for it I say! If people say anything when they find out like why didn't you tell us I'd say because we didn't want your negativity. Congratulations by the way!

RunnerDuck2020 · 22/03/2021 19:08

Definitely keep it to yourself - pregnancy is stressful enough without having to deal with those sort of negative comments as well!

Congratulations by the way Smile

Alonelonelyloner · 22/03/2021 19:10

YANBU.
I've had multiple kids and kept it to myself til nearly the due date each time as people have a tendency to be assholes.

(For what it's worth no reason for them to be assholes. Just 'what about your career!!!!', 'have you considered an abortion?', 'aren't you tool old?!' Etc etc)

ChazP · 22/03/2021 19:10

Your pregnancy, your decision who to tell and when. YA(definitely)NBU.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

GoddessKali · 22/03/2021 19:11

Congratulations and no, I wouldn’t tell anyone either! I’d also enjoy the look in their faces Grin

Fartymcfart · 22/03/2021 19:12

I don't blame you at all, I'm currently pregnant with my 4th and havent told anyone yet as I just cannot be bothered with the negative comments or the oh are you trying for a boy/girl (i have 3 of the same sex).

partyatthepalace · 22/03/2021 19:13

If you aren’t going to see them then why not.

(You could have fun inventing a surprise birth - you thought you had a bad case of indigestion, but it turned out you were 8 and a half months pregnant!!!! Etc)

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/03/2021 19:21

That sounds awful I can't beleive so many people reacted that way to such lovely news. Do whatever feels right for you. If i were you i think i would be tempted to just share the news via text and hopefully if there reaction is likely to upset you, they will get it out the way privately and get on with wishing you well!

Congratulations on baby number 3! Bear

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 22/03/2021 19:32

YANBU, entirely up to you who you tell your private business to.

FireBelliedToad · 22/03/2021 19:39

When do you think they would find out if you don’t contact them but wait for them to contact you and ask how you are etc?

user1493413286 · 22/03/2021 19:41

I think based on their reactions last time I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell them and when they do find out tell them why you didn’t tell them before

PerspicaciousGreen · 22/03/2021 19:41

On the one hand I wouldn't blame you. Those comments sound awful.

On the other hand, they are going to find out at some point that you are going to have/have had a baby. If they find out after the baby is born, you'll get all the crap you would have got anyway with a double whammy of "Why didn't you tell meeeee? You're so meeeaaann! I could have helped yoooouuuu! I deserve to knowwww!" So you're going to have to expend a lot of energy fobbing them off, ignore them, or look them in the eye and say, "Well after you were such shits about my pregnancy with DC2, I didn't think I'd bother telling you this time."

Entirely up to you when you'd like the shit to hit the fan and how you'd like to deal with it. Personally I would be better able to deal with that during pregnancy than postpartum/with a newborn. And I speak as someone who would love a third and I just know that if we do, we'll get so much passive aggressive crap from my mother about it ("But you've got your boy and your girl, why do you want another one, when are you going to go back to work, how will you have a career, how will you afford to [do stuff you don't actually want to do anyway], what about the environment, boo hoo hoo") and then in later years she'll pretend she never said anything.

So unless you're planning to hide the kid, lol, think about which scenario is the lesser of two evils.

pregnantncnc · 22/03/2021 19:42

I'd keep it to yourself, only telling people if your mental health allows and you feel confident that their reactions won't affect you.

Different situation, but we had bad reactions when we told people we were expecting DS (we were early 20s from middle class families who were older parents - lots of talk of us ruining our lives) so I know how you feel. It really does put a damper on things. If there is anyone you can tell that you are sure will share in your joy, tell them - but if not, keep it close. Good luck OP, you've got this.

LibertyWX · 22/03/2021 19:58

You could keep it to yourself but once the baby is out, everyone will know anyway. 🤔 you'll just have to become more resilient. Who cares what they think. Its your life. Good luck.

Goleor · 22/03/2021 20:05

Do what ever makes you feel most comfortable. Those people who would make such comments really dont deserve to share in your good news. Congrats xx

Original poster
Hidden3 · 22/03/2021 20:06

Thank you for the congratulations Smile

I've rationalized that once baby is here it doesn't matter what they think, they can hardly suggest a termination so I'll not have to listen to those suggestions. I think (hope) that people would be less inclined to be an arse about a baby that is already here / or about to be.

I was quite disheartened by the responses I got last time and it tainted the early part of my pregnancy.

Me and DD (number 2) were unwell when she was born (me sepsis and her jaundice) and had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital, I just know that a select few would now use that as a reason to disapprove about this one, even though they were negative long before she was born.

It's just annoying isn't it?

I laughed at the idea to spin an elaborate tale of misdiagnosed heartburn at 8.5 months Grin

OP posts:
Mintyt · 22/03/2021 20:11

I kept my third a secret only very few knew and they were not to tell, I was a child minder too, I ate a lot of strawberries at the time and the shop said the amount your eating anyone would think you was pregnant- I replied I'm in Labour and had the baby that night

Original poster
Hidden3 · 22/03/2021 20:13

@Mintyt

I kept my third a secret only very few knew and they were not to tell, I was a child minder too, I ate a lot of strawberries at the time and the shop said the amount your eating anyone would think you was pregnant- I replied I'm in Labour and had the baby that night
Oh wow Smile

Did you carry quite small?

My babies tend to be on the large side and it's hard to hide the bump from around the 6 month mark. If I were to see the judgemental folk regularly I'd be hard pressed to hide it.

My DM on the other hand barely had a bump (with me) at 8 months.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 22/03/2021 20:15

I had our 5th baby last year and didn't announce my pregnancy.
I told my parents and best friend but that was it. I wasn't bothered if they told anyone, but like you I have siblings who are never in touch, so didn't think it would be a big deal for them to know.
I announced her arrival, and only my parents have met her, and no one sent so much as a card, so I feel I made the right choice.

Poppop4 · 22/03/2021 20:17

Congratulations!

No I wouldn’t tell anyone either and then when baby is here be people say oh my god another baby I didn’t even know yoh were pregnant I’d say I kept it quiet because I couldn’t be arsed with everyone else’s opinions and hope it makes them feel like a dick!

I’ve only had one baby so far, and I was so sick of everyone opinions on my pregnancy so I’d be tempted to keep another one quiet as long as possible

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 20:17

There used to be a sketch on Smack the Pony where a woman was walking down the street and someone would mention she was pregnant and she'd look down and scream with shock. I'd do that if I were you!

Congratulations, btw. I can't understand why people would respond like that.

SwimmingInToys · 22/03/2021 20:19

I'm in a similar boat OP, with a VERY surprise 3rd pregnancies and I've really, really struggled to get my head around it.

I'm 10 weeks now and can't really envisage a time when I'll feel ready to tell people. It doesn't feel real and I'm not excited/happy so I can't cope with congratulations. It will come at some point but I'm enjoying lockdown for the simple reason of not having to see anyone in real life and feel like I'm keeping it from them.

I can't believe people were negative about your 2nd, though. That's awful! Screw them. Build your own happy family life and raise 3 positive influences in the world.

hiredandsqueak · 22/03/2021 20:22

I didn't tell anyone about my last baby because she was unplanned and I found it quite difficut to come to terms with. The first time somebody actually noticed and asked if I was pregnant was the day after my due date and the day before baby was born. It was awful though on the first school run after she was born as everyone asked "whose baby is that?" and I felt a bit embarrassed.

Larryslockdownlunch · 22/03/2021 20:27

I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant last year during lockdown. I announced the birth on Facebook and people were generally supportive but a few people were pissed off. Not my problem.

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