To hide my pregnancy from friends and family?

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I'm currently pregnant with our third baby, unplanned contraception failure and was a big shock as had no plans to have any more children.

I considered terminating, predominantly due to lack of space but changed my mind after a consultation as current circumstances are changeable and not reason enough to end a pregnancy IMO. We've now started saving a reasonable sum per month to move. (OH works FT and I'll be returning to work in April when my sector reopens)

When I announced our second baby (planned like our first) certain people were really down on me about it, cue "however will you cope" and "do you think that's a good idea given how much hard work DS is" (he's disabled)

Among other patronising statements.

One of my oldest friends was visibly deflated and dissaproved when I told him about our last pregnancy. No idea why.

My DM knows and has been supportive but I've asked her not to tell anybody else, including my aunt who was particularly negative last time.

I'm considering keeping the pregnancy a secret and not telling anybody about it because I can't be bothered with the inevitable negativity. I haven't seen my brother in almost a year, haven't seen my aunts in month's and all of my friends live 150 miles away, in my home town.

AIB ridiculous to hide the pregnancy until the babies born? would you if you were in my situation?

YANBU. I'm in a similar situation. Couldn't face other peoples hassle for now, also moving house so avoiding telling people until I've got that stress over and done with. Still see some family though so have had to actively hide the pregnancy and unfortunately this time I'm huge. I'm now 26weeks and I've managed to hide bump under baggy sweatshirts but it's getting harder as the weather warms up.

I'm quite surprised but also relieved to read that so many of you did/are doing the same thing. Naively, I didn't realise how prevalent pregnancy judgment is and took it all very personally when it happened to me.

Like you, PP, I haven't quite got my head round it yet. I know I want to keep the baby and I think I'm quite looking forward to having a squishy little newborn to love but it doesn't feel real yet. I'm 8 weeks so I have plenty of time for that to sink in.

I'm sorry so many of you have had people be shits about your pregnancies too.

I didn't make my 3rd pregnancy very public knowledge. My first born also has some disabilities and I know first hand how thoughtless people can be. I decided the way ahead is not to engage with their negativity or even give them the impression that I'm asking for their opinions or approval.

The first my job knew of it was my matb1 form which I handed in at the cut off for maternity pay. I would just send a round robin text when the baby arrives and then ignore the responses from anyone that's less than delighted for you.

Yanbu at all. I’m not pregnant yet but we are going to try soon. And we’ve already decided that if we do get pregnant we will be keeping it secret until we can’t anymore and we will be honest about why when it eventually comes out. “We knew the responses wouldn’t be pleasant and we didn’t want them bringing us down” or something similar is what we’ll go with. When I got pregnant with my first I young and not married. So yeah, I knew some of my family would scoff. Second child we were married and living in our own house, and my family were still really negative. I actually think it contributed to my PND if I’m honest. This time, I’m in a very fortunate financial position, I don’t need to work and I have two spare rooms I could have another baby in, but I still get statements like “I hope you are done, you couldn’t cope with another!” I never ask them for nothing so I don’t understand where this attitude comes from and my eldest son has severe autism and they say to me “what if you had another child with autism?” Or “it would be much to hard to have a baby with already having a child like M” I find it incredibly offensive ! So, yes, we will be keeping it to ourselves too, because we want to avoid negativity and enjoy what will likely be our last pregnancy without judgement and criticism

I found out I was pregnant last September with my second. Then discovered I was expecting no 2 and no 3.

I struggled mentally to come to terms with a twin pregnancy and I had reactions that made me feel more anxious about my situation (oh, I do pity you, rather you than me, haha!) so I decided to only tell people I knew would support me and be happy. No social media announcements. I may not even announce their arrival on Facebook.

I absolutely don’t blame you. Pregnancy is stressful enough without having to deal with other people’s negativity and judgment!

I'm so glad to get there replies, you've reaffirmed that I'm doing the right thing.

my eldest son has severe autism and they say to me “what if you had another child with autism?” Or “it would be much to hard to have a baby with already having a child like M” I find it incredibly offensive

Same situation here. It's entirely possible that this baby will have autism as the link is OH who is almost certainly on the spectrum (undiagnosed but if he were he would fit the aspergers profile)

DS (my one who has autism) is my whole heart and I wouldn't change a thing about him, as hard as it can be sometimes. I decided to continue with the pregnancy completely aware that there's an increased risk of autism, and so be it if he/she does have it.

It's not as though the people judging have to deal with the meltdowns/referrals/specialist interventions/appointments/bureaucracy when navigating long waiting lists for support. Yet they have the most to say.

My eldest has Aspergers and my youngest is absolutely the opposite. You'll get what you get and will love them for who they are.

Honestly? I would keep it to yourself because nothing you've put in your post makes me think telling people will get you support, only grief.

I’m nearly 32 weeks pregnant and have kept it quiet from most of the family, though my friends know! I too didn’t want to deal with any crap. Last time I had a bad pregnancy and honestly the stress of other people saying things, I feel made it a million times worse. I had pre eclampsia and my mum was making comments about how the baby might not make it and have things wrong, I was even more afraid then. That was without the endless gossiping about my health and what I should and shouldn’t be doing and how I won’t have any more after this one. Well I can tell you now this pregnancy has been BLISS. No comments no drama nothing! I will have to tell soon as I think it would be awkward after the baby is born, but right now the people that know are the ones that are supportive and positive and won’t drag me down or make me worry. It’s so funny to see how many other people are the same, I thought I was the only one😂 lock down has made it very easy to be discreet this time as I am huge but I manage to hide the bump behind my toddlers pram! I genuinely believe I am doing much better health wise this time without all the stress last time!!! You are entitled to tell who you like when you like!

Congratulations,

Yes keep it a secret, just do what's best for you, no one else's opinion matters but I can see how if people are negative it will a stress you don't need.
I'm 25 weeks now, and only my husband and 2 friends know, it's easy with lockdown, it's lonely and not as fun. But i suffered a 34 week loss last year and so keeping this a secret for different reasons and I don't want to deal with anyone else's opinion happy or shocked. Goodluck luv, just relax and do what ever makes things easier for you.

I kept my 5th pregnancy secret until about 24 weeks for similar reasons. I just couldn’t be arsed with comments and unnecessary remarks really. So yeah, YANBU at all. Tell people whenever you feel comfortable doing so.

that's so sad, just so sad that people reacted negatively to you being pregnant.
Don't go out of your way to tell anyone, but don't feel you have to hide it. Point me in the direction of your mealy mouthed relatives and friends - I'll put them right!!

OP, “ It's not as though the people judging have to deal with the meltdowns/referrals/specialist interventions/appointments/bureaucracy when navigating long waiting lists for support. Yet they have the most to say.” Exactly this!!! The last person who tried to lecture me about risking another child having autism (this is someone who has very little knowledge of autism, doesn’t know anyone else with it apart from my son and makes other ridiculous statements like “at least he doesn’t have Down’s syndrome”) was told very sternly “that’s for me and my husband to discuss” and they have never brought it up again!

Have you posted about this situation before OP?