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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say No?

53 replies

Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 10:07

DS Dad wants to go on holiday in term time, in the March following DS starting Grammar School. Holiday of a lifetime no less travelling round America for 2ish weeks. He's not paying his grandparents are, and they are fixed on the dates purely due to the money.
I really want him to go, but have asked they change the dates to incorporate some of the holidays in there to lessen the blow to his attendance and the amount of work he will have to catch up.
What is now happening is threats to call the school, Im being unreasonable, How dare I suggest this to him, and if he cant take him out of school then I am not allowed to either. I have told him I'm not planning on ever taking him out for 2 weeks, but it's not sinking in.

Even though I have asked re: date change, he is going to call him later to tell him all about it, and then I have to tell him he cant go.

I've had to phone the school this morning, that he isnt even at yet to explain.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Newcastleteacake · 22/03/2021 10:12

Depends on how old DS is. You often learn more by travelling rather than in the classroom. Unless he will miss important exams I would let him go. It's a holiday of a lifetime and it's only for 2 weeks.

Laserbird16 · 22/03/2021 10:15

Why are you calling the school to explain? Surely your ex does that if he wants to take his son out if school for two weeks?

Are your in laws more reasonable? Can you talk to them about your concerns?

It all sounds very dramatic and controlling from your ex. Can you grey rock him a bit. Don't facilitate anything for him but don't confront him either and certainly don't get caught in this toxic he's going to tell son you've said he can't go...as you haven't! You've jury asked for a reasonable adjustment so your son can enjoy the holiday and not get behind at school.

Laserbird16 · 22/03/2021 10:16

I'm assuming ex...I hope ex

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 10:17

What exactly did you explain? That's he's missing two weeks or term or that his Dad might call and threaten it but he's not?
Do you have shared responsibility? Who has son's passport?

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 10:20

I dont think you're unreasonable. Your son has already gained a huge privilege getting into grammar school, and one of the first things his dad wants to do is disrupt that in the first year? A few days, maybe but 2 weeks is an absolute p take. If cost is that much if an issue, perhaps they should leave it another 6 months to save up so more and go around the October half term date (using weekends and as little school days as possible).

I'm all for wider learning, but I cannot see how only 2 weeks in the USA justifies itself as external education as much as 2 weeks in New Zealand would be. This is obviously about the cost/travel and little else.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 10:27

"I'm all for wider learning, but I cannot see how only 2 weeks in the USA justifies itself as external education as much as 2 weeks in New Zealand would be"

What?! Why?

Original poster

Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 10:29

He lives with me, Dad has contact as per Order.

I spoke to the school as this has happened before. An absence was unauthorised, I told him he could still have the days off as it was important to the family, but he still rang the school demanding to speak to the Head. It's just embarrassing.

I truly want him to go, it will be amazing, I just dont know if I am unreasonable for asking him to at least look at different dates so the time off school is lessened.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 10:29

Also - it is down to the financial side of things too. He has said this is all it boils down too.

OP posts:

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 10:32

@DavidsSchitt

"I'm all for wider learning, but I cannot see how only 2 weeks in the USA justifies itself as external education as much as 2 weeks in New Zealand would be"

What?! Why?

It's a two week holiday. That is categorically not on the same level as an 'educational trip' that can reasonably justify interrupting school. Especially in the first year of a school you can presume their son worked very hard to get into, and requires his full attention to keep up with his peers.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 10:33

I'm talking about your reference to NZ as somehow more educational than the US

MaskingForIt · 22/03/2021 10:36

@BrumBoo
I'm all for wider learning, but I cannot see how only 2 weeks in the USA justifies itself as external education as much as 2 weeks in New Zealand would be. This is obviously about the cost/travel and little else.

Please could you rank countries by their external educational value? Where do Canada and Australia rank? What about non-English-speaking countries? Which is best out of France and Germany?

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 10:40

Exactly

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 10:44

[quote MaskingForIt]@BrumBoo
I'm all for wider learning, but I cannot see how only 2 weeks in the USA justifies itself as external education as much as 2 weeks in New Zealand would be. This is obviously about the cost/travel and little else.

Please could you rank countries by their external educational value? Where do Canada and Australia rank? What about non-English-speaking countries? Which is best out of France and Germany?[/quote]
I used NZ for the distance vs time to visit ratio. Obviously with a lot of time and disposable income, both places are very worth while visiting for learning and leisurely experience. It's obvious that the reason here to take the son out of school is purely on cost, and for others to try and dress it up as an educational trip is as bad as the dad trying to save his wallet by embarrassing everyone involved in this.

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 10:48

Though if you're insisting on derailing the thread with needless pedantry, my answer would be the same as if the OP had said Brazil, Japan, Kenya or sodding Scotland. If you can't afford to take your children on a two week holiday outside of termtime, then you don't take them on that holiday.

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 10:50

Why have you had to phone the school sorry? I'd let him call and explain. Is it a key year for your son at school?

Is he allowed to take DS out the country without your permission?

You're not unreasonable to ask him to look at other dates. But I guess it's a parental choice and he is a parent too. Tough one.

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 10:51

Ah sorry just saw it's the first year.

I think that's unreasonable of him to not move the dates, its such a key year for settling in and making friends.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 22/03/2021 10:57

I have two children in later years in secondary, both in selective private. With that experience, I would say your DS should go. Children will always catch up.

PeanutShutter · 22/03/2021 10:58

Tough one I think. I wouldn't like him missing so much school but then I did a similar trip at a similar age (3 weeks around the US) and I honestly still remember various places we went and things we saw and talk about it to this day, it was great.

Shamoo · 22/03/2021 11:07

I can understand why you don’t love it but like a PP I took two weeks out for a trip of a lifetime round Australia with my parents (dates couldn’t move for non-money reasons). It was the start of my GCSE year but my mum knew I would work hard to catch up and make it work. It was AN amazing amazing trip that I still have such happy memories from, and my results didn’t suffer.

For me, if it was 2 weeks in Florida it would be a no. 2 weeks travelling the southern states and learning about American history etc, it would be a yes.

Tinydinosaur · 22/03/2021 12:32

I think it's early enough in school for him to catch up easily, if it was year 10 I'd say no.
The price difference will be massive and America can be an educational place lots of history and landmarks and stuff to learn about.

Cadent · 22/03/2021 12:52

I really want him to go, but have asked they change the dates to incorporate some of the holidays in there to lessen the blow to his attendance and the amount of work he will have to catch up.

And who will have to help DS with all the catch-up? Not ex I guess.

What did school say to ex about 2 weeks off?

Mylovelyhorsee · 22/03/2021 12:56

Two weeks in year 7 will make no difference. It will be fine, let him go!

edwinbear · 22/03/2021 13:00

Personally, I think your DS's brand new grammar school will take a very dim view of him going on holiday in term time.

Original poster

Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 13:18

Ive already spoke with them, it doesnt matter if its a week in the sun or a lifetime holiday, I will get fined and due to the length of time could get referred on to the council, and have to attend meetings at the school.

I will have to help him catch up. My ex did zero work with him during covid when he went to see him the one and only time he would have him in the past 6-8 months. Just left it all. Meanwhile I work from home and homeschool. This year has been tough on DS, so I totally get why he deserves this holiday of a lifetime.

I dont want ex to not take him. Not at all. It will be amazing, I would just like him to think about the dates. He's not paying for any of this himself. He's like that, a bit of a freeloader. Doesnt have his own house, no car etc.

OP posts:

CoRhona · 22/03/2021 13:24

If you're going to get fined and have to attend meetings then absolutely no way.

If the school had agreed it that would be different.

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