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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say No?

53 replies

Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 10:07

DS Dad wants to go on holiday in term time, in the March following DS starting Grammar School. Holiday of a lifetime no less travelling round America for 2ish weeks. He's not paying his grandparents are, and they are fixed on the dates purely due to the money.
I really want him to go, but have asked they change the dates to incorporate some of the holidays in there to lessen the blow to his attendance and the amount of work he will have to catch up.
What is now happening is threats to call the school, Im being unreasonable, How dare I suggest this to him, and if he cant take him out of school then I am not allowed to either. I have told him I'm not planning on ever taking him out for 2 weeks, but it's not sinking in.

Even though I have asked re: date change, he is going to call him later to tell him all about it, and then I have to tell him he cant go.

I've had to phone the school this morning, that he isnt even at yet to explain.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 22/03/2021 13:32

Why are you getting fined? Can you explain to school the situation? Ask for recognition that you are not making this decision it is your ex's choice?

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 13:44

@Geraldine22, judging by this thread op, some are quite happy to forget that most kids are not in a position to skive school to go on holiday for 2 weeks, without consequences for everyone. On the other hand, you've missed a great opportunity for a 'pay my kid's school fine for an 'educational opportunity in America with his bloody awkward father' begging thread Grin. Maybe his cheapskate dad can start one instead....

Bythemillpond · 22/03/2021 13:54

Will the gps or your ex be paying the fine.

Will the ex be attending the meetings with the school.

I would flip this back on your ex by telling your ds that you think it is a brilliant idea but it will be up to his father to pay the fines and go to the schools for the meetings and help him catch up on the work he will miss.

Hopefully your ds will realise how ridiculous it is.

Lacucuracha · 22/03/2021 13:56

Are they expecting you to pay the fine? If you do agree, tell the school in writing that ex is doing this without your permission and therefore any fine needs to be sent to him.

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 14:03

@Lacucuracha

Are they expecting you to pay the fine? If you do agree, tell the school in writing that ex is doing this without your permission and therefore any fine needs to be sent to him.
As the residential parent, the OP will be fully liable for any fine. The op seemed to suggest she has primary custody, so her ex husband could even argue his way out of it and put it all on the op as he is the non-residential parent (though arguable how far he'd get with it).
PurpleMustang · 22/03/2021 14:05

With most schools the parent has to fill out a form to request the time off. The school then either accept or deny the request. And then the parent may be fined. As he is wanting to take him he needs to be completing the form and just check with the school how it works for separated parents (do you have to agree to the request being sent in/sign the form too) or just let the school know you disagree with the request and his is being unreasonable to move the dates at all. Basically let him deal with the form filling and the school/meetings/fines

Lacucuracha · 22/03/2021 14:06

Ah, I see BrumBoo. That seems very unfair.

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2021 14:10

@Geraldine22

Ive already spoke with them, it doesnt matter if its a week in the sun or a lifetime holiday, I will get fined and due to the length of time could get referred on to the council, and have to attend meetings at the school.

I will have to help him catch up. My ex did zero work with him during covid when he went to see him the one and only time he would have him in the past 6-8 months. Just left it all. Meanwhile I work from home and homeschool. This year has been tough on DS, so I totally get why he deserves this holiday of a lifetime.

I dont want ex to not take him. Not at all. It will be amazing, I would just like him to think about the dates. He's not paying for any of this himself. He's like that, a bit of a freeloader. Doesnt have his own house, no car etc.

I wouldn’t agonise over this at all. No. You can ask me again about taking him out of school after you’ve paid me the fines and demonstrated you care enough to support him with his homework etc. if you cared enough about him you’d do those things but I guess that will be never.
Laserbird16 · 22/03/2021 14:11

Thanks @BrumBoo for explaining.

I'd get in first OP. Tell the school you oppose this plan and have tried to negotiate a change of time so that DS doesn't miss school. See what they say

BoyTree · 22/03/2021 14:14

The trip itself, I would say yes, no hesitation.

The fines and fallout are what needs discussion, so do you think it would be more productive to 'agree' to the trip in order to get to the nitty gritty of how he plans to minimise the disruption to your life?

Billandben444 · 22/03/2021 14:18

How is going to the USA for a 2-week jolly educational? Yes, it's a holiday that will make lasting memories but all he'll learn if he goes is that rules don't apply to him. I don't see why this is even being discussed on here tbh - it isn't about paying a fine or catching up on school work, it's about following the rules. Please don't be that parent and just say no to his dad.

Original poster
Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 14:19

@laserbird16 Already have, she laughed and said it doesnt matter where theyre going, or what for, term time holidays will result in a fine. As mentioned before, I am the resident parent so by me saying she can go, I am as liable as he is.

He wont attend the meetings etc, as he lives too far away and has no means of getting here.

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 22/03/2021 14:30

His dad sounds hard work. You sound lovely and reasonable.

He has put you in a terrible position, where you have to parent the parent - and be the responsible parent to the actual child. Your reasons for saying no are entirely reasonable, you are not going on the holiday and shouldn't have to bear the consequences of it. The rules for a two week holiday in term time are the same for everyone. You are not saying he is not allowed, the school and local authority rules are saying he is not allowed.

You will happily say yes to a two week holiday that fits within the rules of the school. They need to be flexible and perhaps question whether the gps laissez faire attitude to schooling and rules has led to their own son being a selfish freeloader?!!

Lacucuracha · 22/03/2021 14:31

I am the resident parent so by me saying she can go, I am as liable as he is.

Will you still be liable if you say he can't go, as BrumBoo says?

Original poster
Geraldine22 · 22/03/2021 14:37

He cant take him without permission as I have a court order where I am the named resident parent. He needs permission, his birth certificate and passport, which I have.

He will go with or without him, he's done it before and he will no doubt do it again, and then rub his nose in it with photos.
I

OP posts:
Fnib · 22/03/2021 14:37

This is a nightmare! The only way round it as I see it is to discuss with ex and in-laws about the fine. And make it clear to the school that this is not your choice. What a difficult position this has put you in 😒

minniemoocher · 22/03/2021 14:56

If you are going to be fined then you need to refuse to let him go. There's plenty of places they could go in the school holidays

Laserbird16 · 22/03/2021 15:17

Urgh nightmare. Do what Tooshytoshine says and don your hard hat

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/03/2021 17:41

You often learn more by travelling rather than in the classroom

Yes and you can learn all those travelling things in the 12 or so weeks of school holiday available each year. What you can't do is make up the missing time in school.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 22/03/2021 17:52

Tell him you will kit give him the passport etc until he's given the money to pay the fines

Tell the school you do not approve, but you're facilitating a good relationship between your son & his father / so they'll need to contact him about any 'meetings' (he can FaceTime/Skype/zoom whatever)

SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling · 22/03/2021 17:52

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I have two children in later years in secondary, both in selective private. With that experience, I would say your DS should go. Children will always catch up.
A selective private schools relies on fees being paid . Grammar schools rely on results and have always been very strict on attendance I cannot see any school agreeing to this I really don't think its fair to take him out when he has just started . Your ex is being really silly
1Morewineplease · 22/03/2021 20:54

You will be fined and your partner will be fined too. Hope the grandparents are aware of this.

CrappingMyself · 22/03/2021 21:03

@Geraldine22 Do you have a reasonable relationship with the grandparents? Could you talk to them and explain about fines etc?

Chloemol · 22/03/2021 23:57

The school won’t like it and actually it’s wrong to take him out. After everything this year he will still be catching up most likely

His first year at secondary is a key one. Ok it’s a nice thing to do, but unless they do it through school holidays I would not be letting him go, and even less I had to pay fined and have to attend meetings etc, all for something I didn’t organise

FictionalCharacter · 23/03/2021 02:49

@Laserbird16

Urgh nightmare. Do what Tooshytoshine says and don your hard hat
This. Your ex is being selfish and manipulative, it sounds like he has form for this, and his parents are just as bad. All the (quite serious) fallout would land on you while your ex gets to play Fun Dad. Your son will be disappointed but not devastated, and he’ll be better off being at school with all his friends instead of the odd one out. Two weeks out is a big chunk of the school term, and would affect his social life at school as well as the academic side.
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