To ask... do you and your DH / DP have the same lifestyle?

[miimblemomble]

DH and I have been together for 20 years. We've had more or less the same lifestyle in terms of health, though DH has always been more sporty than I am. He's also tended to be less of a moderator, bit more all-or-nothing than me.

When Covid came along he was quite overweight. He had been wanting to change a few things with his lifestyle anyway, and the link between covid mortality rates and obesity gave him a real push, plus he was diagnosed with a condition that's not fatal or anything, but is linked to lifestyle. It made him feel old, and a bit fragile I think.

Since then he has transformed many aspects of his lifestyle. He has stopped drinking (we used to share a bottle of wine 2-3 times a week, and have a wine cellar - it was / is a big interest of his (I just like drinking the wine!)). He started doing 16:8 where he basically skips breakfast, and only eats between 12noon and 8pm. For lunch, he eats an incredibly healthy mix of homemade muesli, kefir, berries etc. every day - he's happy eating the same thing every day. He's started doing exercises / yoga every evening (in our room, we are in a flat so no other space) at the same time. We still all eat dinner together (with our two x DSs) and he's not fussy about what I make, he'll eat whatever.

He has lost loads of weight, and is feeling stronger. This is great and I am genuinely happy for him and proud of him for creating and sticking to these new habits.

But I feel really left out! I used to enjoy having a drink together. I still have a couple of glasses, 3-4 times a week in the evening - usually one when I'm cooking and one more with dinner. But I feel like I should stay in the kitchen with it, partly so as to not tempt DH, partly because I feel like I'm doing something bad. Plus he's off in the bedroom doing his exercises every evening while I am cooking. I'm a bit overweight, and I'm sure that if I adopted a similarly healthy lifestyle it would fall off. But I don't want to! I like drinking wine, eating breakfast, having something other than a bowl of cereal for lunch. But I'm doing it all on my own now, and that makes them just a bit less fun and feels like a naughty indulgence that I really shouldn't be doing.

I don't think I have an AIBU - I know that IWBU to do anything other than support DHs quest to be healthier. But I feel like the naughty child now, indulging in all these bad behaviours. Maybe I just miss having a partner in (very minor) crime?

Anyone else got a partner who's adopted a different lifestyle? How does it work with you?

(Missing the point of the thread massively) but how do you have a wine cellar in a flat?

@NormanStangerson

(Missing the point of the thread massively) but how do you have a wine cellar in a flat?

Downstairs flat in a converted house?

Back to the actual thread, I just adopted the lifestyle too. It’s amazing. We’re both fit as fleas and can still enjoy the odd drink, but certainly not 4 times a week. Our health is better, our bodies are better, our energy is better. His way doesn’t have to be the only way, we m eat proper meals but much, much healthier ones. Lots of protein, unsaturated fats, veg, some fruit and wholegrains. It’s a nice life and isn’t too strict to not leave room for ‘treats’.

I’m curious about the wine cellar and flat combo too..

My husband and I are different, he drinks more than me, and I exercise more. It’s irrelevant to both of us.

Why do you feel guilty doing you?

@NormanStangerson

Lol - we live in France! Most appartments here, especially older ones, come with a loft and / or a cellar. And with big wine shows every year... DH has quite the collection.

Yes, we have the same life style - probably to a fault! We both work in the same industry (IT), if one of us does something the other doesn't (e.g. I learn a language, he doesn't) we will still watch foreign language films together. I like going for walks, he'll always come and take photos (which he's really good at but I've not got much interest in doing myself). We got together at Uni (same degree, different Unis), we worked at the same company in the same lab afterwards. I can see how that would be a bit hard if one stopped doing what you'd always done together though.

Downstairs flat in a converted house?

Hadn’t thought of that.

[quote miimblemomble]@NormanStangerson

Lol - we live in France! Most appartments here, especially older ones, come with a loft and / or a cellar. And with big wine shows every year... DH has quite the collection.[/quote]
Well that changes everything. Sod the diet. Don’t feel guilty. All the more wine (and cheese) for you.

Why do you feel guilty doing you?

This is the heart of Iit I know. Probably because DH's choices are always the 'good ones'? To drink less, exercise more, lose weight. They are the "good" choices, yes? So I feel guilty about making the bad choices I guess - even though they are the ones I want to make.

Why do you feel guilty doing you?

This is the heart of Iit I know. Probably because DH's choices are always the 'good ones'? To drink less, exercise more, lose weight. They are the "good" choices, yes? So I feel guilty about making the bad choices I guess - even though they are the ones I want to make.

I used to be overweight and unfit, as was DH. I wanted to change things after years of failed "diets" so took up running, started eating better, and stopped drinking alcohol.

He joined me and now we're both several stone lighter, though he still has the odd beer whereas I'm teetotal. So yes, we have the same lifestyle - though it used to be a really unhealthy one, and now it's not. We both look and feel much better for it.

I suspect that lockdown / confinement has a role to play. He's really the only adult I am spending any time with, other than my work colleagues. So for him to change ''our' joint habits has changed things for me. Part of getting through lockdown was relaxing together early evening, with a glass of wine and some apero... now he's off in the bedroom doing his exercises, and I'm alone in the kitchen with my glass of wine watching telly on the IPad.

I would love this. I'm the healthy one on my relationship, DH has the eats whatever he likes and no weight.

I would embrace it and join him, you can still have an occasional glass of wine I'm sure

I started exercise and losing weight last year for the same reason - luckily DH did too.

Now that I'm into exercise and healthy living and have seen and felt first-hand how much of a difference it makes, I don't think I'd enjoy a relationship with someone who just didn't care whatsoever. I think I'd be quite lonely, and would also worry endlessly about his health.

In your flipside position OP, I imagine it must be a bit like having a partner who's suddenly turned into a religious nutjob, and I can appreciate it would be lonely for you too!

I think I get it. Is it guilt? You say you’re over weight. So watching him exercise, eat healthy and lay off the booze makes you think you should make similar choices, but you’re continuing in the same vein and feeling a bit bad about it? When he was doing it too, you felt it was more acceptable? You were both over weight and being unhealthy?

Ultimately you need to do what makes you happy. We are all individuals. But maybe examine why you’re feeling like you are.

I think it’s great he has embraced it, drinking that many times a week is a lot. We all know how important health is and think of the example hes setting to the children.

@Bluntness100

You got it.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Well drinking has always been a point of difference for DH and I. His parents never drank when he was growing up, except at Christmas and birthdays and maybe his dad having a couple of beers after the football. They had a cup of tea with dinner. OTOH I grew up with my parents drinking wine every night with dinner - they still do this. So our deep-rooted beliefs about what is "normal" in this respect are very different. In a way he's just gone back to what he knows - not drinking for weeks on end, then having a glass of wine at Christmas. For me, doing that is a big effort and a big change from what's "normal". Maybe it would feel like normal eventually.

I think it's very hard not to think that you're being judged for your 'unhealthy' choices, whether you are or not. I get it though; my DH isn't as extreme but goes through phases when he's marathon training or during Lent when he gives up things and I either feel I have to give them up too or feel like I need to do it in secret. I think it's especially hard when it impacts on things you used to like doing together - like relaxing with a bottle of wine - because you're forced into giving something (ie the experience) up whether you want to or not.

Maybe it would feel like normal eventually

Of course it would and it would be the norm then for your children.

I would love this. My DH has gained a lot of weight and I worry about his health all the time.

I am a healthy weight but still not back in my pre-baby clothes. I would love an in-home reminder keeping me on top of my health!

In your situation I'd just stop drinking at home. You can still enjoy wine with friends. As you say it's healthier and will make you more in synch with your spouse.

I'd join in the exercise too.

This sounds brilliant actually, like a personal trainer and chef in one

We couldn’t be more different. I smoke, drink several times a week, don’t exercise apart from walking the dogs (I work in hospitality though when I’m working I do 20k+ steps a day). My hobbies are watching telly and reading.

DH does weights and gym, is a Kung Fu teacher, pays several instruments and is in a band. He does like films but rarely has the patience to watch a box set. He’s always on the go and his idea of relaxing is doing stuff, whereas mine is sitting down.

We like to think we complement each other 🤣

Does your DH have a goal weight/level of fitness? If he does that can be something you should encourage him to get to. It’s easier to maintain than loose, so hopefully once he is there you can start to share some of the treats together (but not nearly as much).

Since mid January I have been Calorie counting and I’ve lost a stone. Since then I’ve lost stone and not had a drop of alcohol, my DP hasn’t had any either. He has been eating healthier although not restricting himself that much and lost 4kg (he is a much healthier BMI than me anyway).

Tbh it’s his dad who is missing the booze (he is our bubble and comes round

It’s easier to maintain than loose, so hopefully once he is there you can start to share some of the treats together (but not nearly as much)

I think every single Person who has lost weight snd gained it back, which is the vast majority of dieters, will tell you maintenance is much harder than losing it in thr first place.

The answer is letting go of your guilt - because I honestly think you’ll find that “lifestyle differences” don’t matter.

My husband would love a wine cellar, drinks every night - I’m teetotal.

He goes out on his bike A LOT, I spend that time lazing in a hot tub in the garden.

Hot tub aside - I cannot sit still for long - he can just sit in the sun for hours listening to music.

So many differences - but we don’t care. We have enough that we do like doing together.

Things like your wine... just drink it. It’s not for you to worry if he’s tempted - and I bet he’s not, anyway.

The bit that struck me was that he has time every evening to please himself and do his exercise and you're stuck in the kitchen cooking every bloody night. No wonder you're reaching for the wine!