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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've had ENOUGH!!!!

49 replies

Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:12

Posting on here for traffic. Need advice asap.
I am furious and angry and simply fed up I need to know If there is anything I can do to help my dm

Without being too outing, dad is abusive to my dm. She is finally, after many MANY years of going to leave and never following through, selling their home and moving out. It's the exit everyone has been waiting for, for her. House has been on the market for years on and off. They had just got a buyer and things were all go, all the meanwhile dad made it clear he didnt want to do this and it was all mums doing, which it's not. He has done everything to blackmail my dm over money, tell her she cant leave, taking their shares credit card away from her ect. She pushed through it, but now I fear he is controlling the housing situation and manipulated it so they never leave. All estate agents updates go through him, dm says she gets emails but I doubt they explain if dad has changed things behind her back. The house is back on the market and now he has cancelled all viewings without asking dm or explaining why. He is trapping her there. He doesnt want her to go. It's the only thing he has left over her and he knows it. I dont trust him at all, I think he is telling the estate agents one thing and dm another. I am disgusted. My dm has had enough. She has put up with this all her life, this was meant to be her time. Time to break free and move on to a better life she deserves. What can I do? I'm frustrated sitting back watching this all unfold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:12

Sorry if this is all very vague I didnt want to make the post super long, I hope I have included enough relevant information for this to make sense.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/03/2021 22:14

She should go to court to force it through.

Can she stay with you or with another relative in the meantime, just to get away from him?

Horehound · 20/03/2021 22:14

Could she move in with you?

Horehound · 20/03/2021 22:16

And also she should speak to the agents and insist they need her say so as well.

2020isnotbehaving · 20/03/2021 22:18

Your mum needs to move out. While she is still there he feels like he’s holding the last card he will not accept it. Once she is out hopefully he will realise she will get the house sold like it or not.

Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:22

I would love for dm to move in with me but I live with dp and his family. we have the room but dm is the type to not want people to make a fuss or go above and beyond for her. No way would she accept my offer for the spare room. She is her worst enemy sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:23

All of me and my siblings have told her that she needs a solicitor and to seek legal advice, but she is very hesitant and doesnt really have the money

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 20/03/2021 22:27

Club together and pay for her an air B&B accommodation.. Opens in 4 weeks..

2020isnotbehaving · 20/03/2021 22:29

He can’t force her stay by pulling the well you have no money for legal advice and I’m not changing my mind. It’s cohesive control. She has her share of assets coming that could be charged back against the house so she is good for her share of the legal bills.

Would she consider women’s aid or looking for a refuge? You say he is abusive so she would be more than entitled. If there is physical abuse she could be in more danger just before she leaves (sorry)

gobbynorthernbird · 20/03/2021 22:30

Are your parents married?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/03/2021 22:31

If the house is legally in both their names, she needs to notify estate agents that there can be no changes without both of them agreeing and she must be notified personally (so mail is not intercepted). If she has no legal ownership rights then she should move out. Then get a solicitor to settle the finances.
Maybe you and your siblings could chip in for a solicitor consultation?

Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:35

@gobbynorthernbird yes they are

@Easterbunnygettingready dm would refuse to accept that. And besides I dont know how long we would have to accommodate her for and doubt we could afford it having families of our own.

@GeorgiaGirl52 yes house is in both names. I'm pretty sure they have to include dm hence the emails but if dad was to make changes she is never consulted or included. Estate agents are not aware of the situation so maybe just assume what ever dad says is a joint decision

OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 20/03/2021 22:35

Oh, what a horrible situation. I wonder if estate agents get this a lot? Whether it would be worth talking to them about only going through her? Idk if that is possible, but I bet they have come across stuff like this before. Could she talk to a womens hotline? Since he has been abusive for years, and is not abusing her financially, they may be able to give her or you advice.

Mycomfyplacetochill · 20/03/2021 22:36

[quote Dee96]@gobbynorthernbird yes they are

@Easterbunnygettingready dm would refuse to accept that. And besides I dont know how long we would have to accommodate her for and doubt we could afford it having families of our own.

@GeorgiaGirl52 yes house is in both names. I'm pretty sure they have to include dm hence the emails but if dad was to make changes she is never consulted or included. Estate agents are not aware of the situation so maybe just assume what ever dad says is a joint decision[/quote]
Then you go and put the estate agent fully in the picture, how else will they know they are being manipulated by him too

Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:40

@Mycomfyplacetochill am I in a position to do this? I spoke to dsis who lives with them and advices them to do this thinking she had more of a say given the move affects her too, but she said due to confidentiality reasons she cannot they tell them anything and vice versa

OP posts:
Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:40

I'm not too sure how things work as I'm only young myself

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 20/03/2021 22:49

As sad as it is, if your dad doesn't want to sell then he doesn't have to until the court forces a sale as part of a divorce (unless he has other assets to cover your mum's share).

MimiDaisy11 · 20/03/2021 23:00

Is she divorcing him? Wouldn't that make it easier to force a sale?

ArcheryAnnie · 20/03/2021 23:01

This is financial abuse and coercive control. Call 0808 2000 237 for advice.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Original poster
Dee96 · 20/03/2021 23:04

@MimiDaisy11 no they have always threatened each other with divorce but the threats have been empty

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/03/2021 23:08

@Dee96 Flowers

You and your siblings need to club together and strong arm your mum to see a solicitor. Drag her there if necessary.

You need to pay for her consultation and for solicitor fees from then on.

The solicitor needs to file divorce papers for your mum. After that, s/he can represent your mum in the sale of the house and can communicate with the EA on her behalf.

The solicitor can track down deeds and establish clearly who owns the house.
Your mum can get an Occupation Order establishing her right to live in the house while it is for sale.
A schedule of sale can be agreed or your dad can buy out your mum's share in the house.
The solicitor can get court orders around your mum's credit card and access to joint funds. If there are shares that he has somehow managed to get control over, this can be investigated and sorted out.

Meanwhile, she is entitled to take half of the money in any joint account and set up personal accounts of her own.

You will be amazed how meek your dad will become when faced with a solicitor.

Your mum also needs to be pushed forcibly in the direction of Women's Aid and Shelter. WA number is 0800 2000 247.

You and your siblings are going to have to take charge of this.

It may well come down to taking out personal loans in order to pay, but WA can refer to solicitors experienced in DV/abuse situations and it will be well worth it. Maybe any loans can be paid off from proceeds of the house sale.

25yearsnhsworker · 20/03/2021 23:15

I don't know you dm age but she could approach the council or housing association and apply for sheltered housing due to the abuse. Or standard housing doesn't need to be sheltered its just in my area there is more availability

gobbynorthernbird · 20/03/2021 23:16

So, they're not actually divorcing and the house isn't being sold.

All you and your siblings can do is step back, and make sure your DM knows you will support her to leave when or if she's ready.

BluebellsGreenbells · 20/03/2021 23:20

She may be able to get legal aid

Has she phoned woman’s aid for advice? She can also ring shelter for advice as well depends on her situation regarding work

But yes phone the estate agent and tell them the truth and ask them to go via your mum for appointments so she is ready for viewings.

Make sure she has copies of all the paperwork, bills, certificates etc that she may need and maybe store at your house, plus anything sentimental that she might want

Lineofconcepcion · 20/03/2021 23:24

Tbh I think she has to take the steps herself and until she is prepared to do this you should probably stay out of things but being supportive whatever she chooses.