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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've had ENOUGH!!!!

49 replies

Dee96 · 20/03/2021 22:12

Posting on here for traffic. Need advice asap.
I am furious and angry and simply fed up I need to know If there is anything I can do to help my dm

Without being too outing, dad is abusive to my dm. She is finally, after many MANY years of going to leave and never following through, selling their home and moving out. It's the exit everyone has been waiting for, for her. House has been on the market for years on and off. They had just got a buyer and things were all go, all the meanwhile dad made it clear he didnt want to do this and it was all mums doing, which it's not. He has done everything to blackmail my dm over money, tell her she cant leave, taking their shares credit card away from her ect. She pushed through it, but now I fear he is controlling the housing situation and manipulated it so they never leave. All estate agents updates go through him, dm says she gets emails but I doubt they explain if dad has changed things behind her back. The house is back on the market and now he has cancelled all viewings without asking dm or explaining why. He is trapping her there. He doesnt want her to go. It's the only thing he has left over her and he knows it. I dont trust him at all, I think he is telling the estate agents one thing and dm another. I am disgusted. My dm has had enough. She has put up with this all her life, this was meant to be her time. Time to break free and move on to a better life she deserves. What can I do? I'm frustrated sitting back watching this all unfold.

OP posts:

prawntoastie · 20/03/2021 23:26

you all need to gang up on him and be the bullies against him as he has done to your mum, blackmail him with not ever speaking to him, cutting him off etc and he will have nobody and die alone.

play your dad at his own game,

DishingOutDone · 20/03/2021 23:28

[quote ArcheryAnnie]This is financial abuse and coercive control. Call 0808 2000 237 for advice.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/[/quote]
This is a great helpline for advice on coercion and control, I rang them thinking I shouldn't be doing so as my abuse was psychological not physical they really opened my eyes. Please do recommend this to your mum - they also tend to be easier to get through to than Women's Aid.

Original poster

Dee96 · 20/03/2021 23:34

@prawntoastie weve played this card with him, he knows the way he has been has pushed everyone away from him. In a way it's made things worse because now he knows he has nothing to lose. Before he used to try to play sweet to win my dm over, now she isnt buying it anymore he has turned nasty and isnt holding back

OP posts:

Original poster

Dee96 · 20/03/2021 23:36

@lineofconcepcion we have all tried this. For ten years plus. But now has been the closest my dm has ever gotten to getting away and if it means helping her with the final push then I will try. The problem with dm is if it was left up to her she would stay with him and put up with abuse to her grave. She is a very put her head in the sand type of person

OP posts:

prawntoastie · 20/03/2021 23:38

[quote Dee96]@prawntoastie weve played this card with him, he knows the way he has been has pushed everyone away from him. In a way it's made things worse because now he knows he has nothing to lose. Before he used to try to play sweet to win my dm over, now she isnt buying it anymore he has turned nasty and isnt holding back[/quote]
sorry to hear that, sometimes people don't understand until they see it and feel it, obviously he can't as he has this hold over everyone.
All your mum can do is the legal route, this is very horrible for you all, is there anyway you could all snd your mum put some money together for her to rent a studio flat or caravan?

Fatherof3mmf · 20/03/2021 23:42

Please tell me this is not normal. Wife wakes up hours after everybody else comes down stairs first thing she dose sits on phone after I’ve got up hours before fed kids looked after them. Took them walks up woods with dog. Comes in from work 4 hours sits on phone jobs in house need done dog walking empty bin litter try will just sit on phone! I feel bad for getting mad but surly this is not right

ForwardRanger · 20/03/2021 23:49

Fatherof3mmf
Maybe create your own thread.

Original poster

Dee96 · 20/03/2021 23:53

Would I be able to ring the na line on behalf for my mum then present her with the information. I feel like, knowing my dm, this would be a more effective approach then trying to get her to call the number herself

OP posts:

percheron67 · 20/03/2021 23:59

I don't think that I can offer fresh words of wisdom and advice. Please tell your Ma that her state of mind and all else WILL improve once she is free and living her own life. I wish both of you very well.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 21/03/2021 00:02

well you can try - the worst they can do is say no they can't help - but you might as well call and see what they say.
good luck with it.

PickAChew · 21/03/2021 00:04

She needs to lawyer up? If you're young yourself then she can't be so old that she isn't at least vaguely Internet savvy and able to look up relevant information? I'm in my 50s and my mum knows her way around Google and various apps.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2021 00:07

It's hard to take initiatives on your own behalf if you have spent most of your adult life being abused and controlled. You feel completely useless and incompetent, and frightened.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2021 00:10

You also tend not to trust that other people will act on your behalf and you don't want to reach out for help because you have spent years telling yourself that you can control situations (prevent abuse) and you don't trust people who might make decisions on your behalf. It turns into a vicious circle where you stay buried in your miserable situation where you feel you have some control in preference to taking the first steps to getting out because that involves loss of (the illusion of) control.

HoppingPavlova · 21/03/2021 00:35

What’s stopping her from going to see the real estate agents herself and making clear she needs to be verbally spoken to as well as there is disagreement, he is being obstructive and she wants this house sold.

When she receives an email saying viewings are cancelled she needs to get on the phone to them and say no they are not.

JohannaC · 21/03/2021 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/03/2021 07:09

@JohannaC until dm receives the money from the house being sold she cannot afford to. She has her own siblings she could turn to but she doesnt want to be a burden or hindrance to anyone so she wont let on how bad it is to them. I also think its partly because she is embarrassed as well. Dad tried to suggested he was going to move out and leave dm to deal with the house and expenses but he never went through with it, so I've told her she should bite the bullet and do the same. For some reason, she wont. I think she is scared of taking that next step and likes living in this denial stage despite how she says otherwise

OP posts:

Original poster

Dee96 · 21/03/2021 07:13

@HoppingPavlova I dont even know. I already had a rant to her about how she needs to gain more control over this situation and not let dad dictate as at the end of the day whatever he I'd doing is for his own benefit and not hers. But as I said before it's like she wont help herself. For example they have a shared joint account that she told me he "confiscated" and took the card from her so she couldnt use it for food shopping. I told her to instantly contact the bank and stop her share of the money being channelled in as now she would need to pay for her own food and shouldn't be funding something she has no access to, and dm.agreed. months later and I asked her if she had done it and she still hasnt. I really cant make sense of her at all, shes effectively giving him money at this point

OP posts:

Mummyratbag · 21/03/2021 09:37

Firstly (tomorrow morning) ring around local solicitors and see which will give you 30 minutes free advice and find out if this is face to face or via Zoom etc right now. Make an appointment with one of them. Ask that they tell you when the 30 mins is up so you don't get billed for running over time. Write a list of immediate questions to ask them (will they take the case and accept payment on sale of the house/settlement of divorce). What she can do to stop your father emptying accounts and how she can get some funds to live on right now. Get her to speak to the Estate Agents to find out what is happening. Speak to the women's refuge for advice on temporary housing. When you are in this situation you can freeze and unable to make a move. Also you think unless he's been physically abusive that some how it's "not that bad" and you need to just get on with it. It took a solicitor telling me that emotional/verbal abuse is still abuse for me to fully believe and this was 20+ years ago before the coercive control laws.

Mummyratbag · 21/03/2021 09:40

Also the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they are trying to leave. PLEASE ring the police if at any point she is in dnager.

StopGuacAndRoll · 21/03/2021 09:47

Read your original post back but think it was written by someone else.

It would be extremely clear that your mum needs to get out. However that looks - moving in with family, renting somewhere, etc. She needs to show your dad that she will not be held prisoner.

Barton10 · 21/03/2021 09:49

I work in conveyancing and unfortunately this is not uncommon. She need to go into the estate agents and let them know she is joint owner and ask for all correspondence to be sent to her separately. Can she give them your address for this purpose? She also needs to make sure that the solicitor is aware of the issues and needs to take instructions from both of them separately and get both of their consent before doing anything. Hope she gets out and can be happy.

SoupDragon · 21/03/2021 10:00

The problem is that, if he has been difficult with allowing viewings and dealing with the estate agent, he is going to be difficult all through the process. Any buyer would pull out.

Unfortunately, I think this needs to be sorted though legal processes.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/03/2021 10:19

@SoupDragon

The problem is that, if he has been difficult with allowing viewings and dealing with the estate agent, he is going to be difficult all through the process. Any buyer would pull out.

Unfortunately, I think this needs to be sorted though legal processes.

Exactly this. There is no point continuing to market the house.

@Dee96 it isn't clear from the above, but does your mum have her own income?

SionnachGlic · 21/03/2021 10:35

You def need to put the estate agent in the picture & that instructions need to come from both DM & DF. And get your DM to a solicitor by hook or by crook, make the appointment & get her there. I find a useful exercise to get perspective over one's own situation is to think of the same issues/problems as though they are happening to a relative/friend. So tell her own story back to her & ask her would like to see a relative/friend treated like that or in that situation. Include as much detail as you can about specific instances of control/unhappiness how other times kids were so hopeful for her to break away but then hopes were dashed & she stayed, how her confidence has suffered , how in her head she doesn't want to burden but in RL people want to cheer her on & her happiness is no burden at all. It could help in getting her to see the bigger picture if she'd be aghast if it was someone else's life. I hope she will accept a room, find accommodation for a few months for heeself, engage a solicitor & take control & live her own life.

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