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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sexual assault?

31 replies

pennygirl26 · 20/03/2021 09:43

My 11 year old stepson came yesterday telling us his 14 year old step brother from the other side has been holding him down stoking his legs and arms and using his fingers to try and poke his bum through his trousers. I'm absolutely furious as you can probably guess. He has said it happened previously and he spoke to his mum and step dad who told his step brother not to do it again. My stepson was crying so much last night he was sick. Am I right in saying this is still classed as sexual assault?

OP posts:

AngelicInnocent · 20/03/2021 09:47

You are correct. It needs reporting. Particularly as his step brother may be acting out something that is being done to him.

Bopahula · 20/03/2021 09:51

That's awful. Do the parents have a good co-parenting relationship? Can you talk to them?
I'd absolutely report to the police and I wouldn't be sending my stepson back until I was certain the other boy was removed. His mum should be protecting him but if she won't then you need to.

NormanStangerson · 20/03/2021 09:53

The fact that it has happened multiple times is very alarming. I would report. And I’m not sure I’d rely on their mother to support you. Purely on a family political level, I think your H should be the one to take the lead on reporting, not you, just in case his defensive mother tries to undermine what you’re saying purely because of your relationship to the child.

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 20/03/2021 09:54

We have had issues with the step brother lots of times. As far as I'm aware this is the only times they have a sexual nature however can't be 100% sure. Step son has asked his dad not to speak to his mum he will do it on his own. I feel this is something my husband should be discussing with his ex now. Me and my husband got into an argument about it last night.

OP posts:

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 20/03/2021 09:56

There's is definitely not a good co parent relationship at all which doesn't help. There is also and even worse relationship with other boys dad. I don't think I can stand by and not do or say anything.

OP posts:

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/03/2021 09:56

What amount of time does he spend with you versus his mum, and what amount of the time with his mum is the step brother there for? You 100 % need to do something about this and I'd start by refusing to send him back to his mums when the step brother is there until his mum and step dad take this seriously. Hes a child and yes his step brother is too but there is a big gap from 11 to 14, is he still in primary school? Talk to his mum and step dad again and if they dont take it seriously could you talk to the school hes at, might be a good idea and if he is in high school is he at the same one as his step brother? You need to keep him safe because this isnt ok at all and if it was an older boy and a younger step sister everyone would be going mad. Can he be who you and bis dad any time his step brother is at his mums? Are there any siblings the step brother is doing this to? He shouldnt be left with the step brother by himself af any time and the step brother needs to be told how serious this is because he might just think it's a funny game but if your stepson was sick and sobbing just telling you about it he was likely hysterical when it happened and if this14 year old can see an 11 year old boy like that and still carry on like it's a game then he needs talking to.

activitythree · 20/03/2021 09:58

I feel this is something my husband should be discussing with his ex now.

I disagree. I feel this is something he should be discussing with the police.

Beetlebum1981 · 20/03/2021 10:05

Contact NSPCC - they will offer advice. FWIW this behaviour is not acceptable at all and your stepson also shouldn't be dealing with this alone. I think his mother and step father need a wake-up call regarding the seriousness of this, it's not just 'horse play'.

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 20/03/2021 10:15

My step children are normally here 2 or 3 days a week and as far as I can tell their step brother Is at their mums house several times a week but not set times. He's currently in primary school at the moment and due to move to highschool after the summer. At the moment all children in this scenario go to different schools due to area and age.if stepson moved here he would actually attend the same school as step brother after the summer. My other stepson is also 14 and tells stepbrother to fuck off he said because he like to annoy him aswell but not in the same way. This is my point exactly we have daughters and if this was someone doing it to them my husband wouldn't be standing back at all. to me the sex of the children doesn't matter it should not be happening. The 11 year old is particularly tiny and the step brother definitely on the larger side he's using this power over him. I'm beyond furious. I'm glad you all agree im not over reacting I'm going to approach my husband again with it.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 20/03/2021 10:21

I don’t think that an eleven year old is capable of dealing with this by himself, particularly as his mum and stepdad’s response is to simply tell the fourteen year old not to do it again. What happens if he decides to take it further next time?

I’d contact the NSPCC for advice straight away. Possibly the police and social services too. This isn’t horseplay, it’s sexual assault and your DSS needs protecting. Can you have him stay with you?

LuaDipa · 20/03/2021 10:21

Go to the police.

LuaDipa · 20/03/2021 10:23

Sorry posted too soon. This situation is wrong and needs to be taken seriously. You have said yourself your dh would feel different if dss was a girl. This isn’t acceptable and dss should be protected.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 20/03/2021 10:29

I would be phoning the police immediately.

Lochmorlich · 20/03/2021 10:34

Contact the police.
Let his school know and the new school in September.
This is sickening.
Your poor stepson.

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 20/03/2021 11:22

I've just got into it again with my husband. He said it's not sexual assault it's boys messing around and one boy not liking it. I'm standing my ground I'm not letting this go.

OP posts:

Thecatonthemat · 20/03/2021 11:28

Police or Social services

grumpygiraffe · 20/03/2021 11:30

Your stepson can’t handle it on his own, and judging by your husband’s response he can’t handle it either. As others have said, go to the police.

FatCatThinCat · 20/03/2021 11:31

Sorry but your husband is a disgrace. His child is disclosing that he's being sexually assaulted and your DH thinks that fine and he doesn't need to do anything about it. As others have said, contact the police now and then file for divorce.

Magnificentmug12 · 20/03/2021 11:32

Normally when children do that to other children it’s because it’s being done to them.

Poor lad, report it to the police, I bet that poor boy is being sexually abused behind closed doors

activitythree · 20/03/2021 11:32

@pennygirl26

I've just got into it again with my husband. He said it's not sexual assault it's boys messing around and one boy not liking it. I'm standing my ground I'm not letting this go.

This isn't really a 'standing your ground' issue. I would be horrified if my DH didn't take sexual assault seriously. Also, you can contact the police or SS with your concerns because your husband is failing his child. I wouldn't hesitate to have this raised and then kick my husband out. what a prick.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/03/2021 11:33

Good on you OP. Do not let your DH talk you out of this. He wouldnt say that if it was a DD not a DS, does he have more sexist ways of raising his sons? Do you think he might be saying that because he doesnt like to think his DS could be hurt by a boy, like he should be able to fight back? Whatever is going on it just isnt ok. You are doing the right thing for your DSS here so dont stop. It's really odd that your DH can see his son being sick and sobbing but just say "he doesnt like the messing around". Would he be ok with it if he was touched like that by a man bigger than him? Keep trying to talk to him and think about talking to the school you DSS is at if his mum and dad won't keep him safe.

CrappingMyself · 20/03/2021 11:34

it's boys messing around

He's minimising OP. Perhaps because he doesn't want to deal with mum over it. Taking the "poking his bum" bit out, it's bullying and intimidation.

Perhaps if you suggest talking to NSPCC and getting advice, then he doesn't have to take your word for it - he can get the advice straight from them as to whether it's just "messing around' and go from there.

I would certainly let his school know, so they are aware what DSS is facing at home as they can put in some support for him.

Magnificentmug12 · 20/03/2021 11:34

I know it’s your step son so not biologically yours but please try your best to keep him at yours, 100% report this and tell the boy he did the right thing in telling you and needs to tell you every time- report it every time.

The 14 year old I hope gets help from the police and SS.

It’s disgusting the world we live in when it comes to a child being abused sexually!!

Tinydinosaur · 20/03/2021 11:39

Well I'd ring the police and ask if they think it's sexual assault. Maybe your husband will listen to them and help his child before it escalates.

BootsScootsAndToots · 20/03/2021 11:41

Wow.

I'm so glad your DSS has you in his life. Please don't let this go.

Fuck your dh

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