I have to stick to my guns don't I?

[dilemma123456]

Last night I put 4.5yo to bed at his usual time and he was tired after being at nursery all day then the park for a while. He always has bath, book then into bed and I chat / cuddle for 5 mins.
He would not stop getting out of bed and shouting down to ask silly questions etc. He's usually very good at going to bed (although he's done this a few times recently).
I was feeding the baby to sleep and had been on the go since 5am that morning so was getting very impatient with it. After a few times I told him that if he shouted down again he wouldn't be going pony riding tomorrow (today) - he then got out of his bed twice after that. His messing about meant he didn't go to sleep until 90 mins after his usual bedtime.

I have to stick to my guns don't I? I do feel bad for him, the past year has obviously been hard. We're in Scotland so really nothing opened for children the past year and nurseries shut more than elsewhere. But I gave him a warning and he did it twice after that!

Dreading the upset about it today though.

Would you stick to your word or let it slide?

You probably should stick to your guns but I always feel bad half an hour after I’ve had to do similar and wish I hadn’t made the threat! Maybe you could suggest that there’s still an opportunity for pony riding today IF he can do X and Y first. Also be very clear that if the silly bedtime behaviour does happen again that the consequences will not be negotiable a second time.

If you said it I absolutely would stand by it, but maybe find something less high value to trade next time.

I would let it slide. They don't think that far ahead at that age. It's hard at bedtime especially with a baby. But don't think it's fair to cancel something the next day as they cannot link up their actions.

Yeah you have to stick to it, don’t make idle threats

No, OP you shouldn't stand by it. We've all (apart from the vastly superior) learnt the hard way about making threats we don't actually really want to or are able to carry through. Not doing pony riding today isn't going to be good for any of you. Learn your lesson and have fun with your boy today. Lockdown life is hard enough as it is. Give all of you a break.

Let it go, but try reading something lesser next time.

You were tired (totally understandable), you spoke in tired mode.

Enjoy your day.

Let him earn it back

Messing about going to bed means that he will be 'too tired' today for riding.

When DS was little (around the same age as your DS) he frequently came into our bed at night. We explained to him that if he came into our bed then he wouldnt be able to play out with his friend after school as he would be 'too tired'.

It wasnt a punishment more a natural consequence.

A 4 year old? No, I would let it slide. I don’t think they fully understand future consequences like that. They’re very much in the moment!

I would probably try and think of a way for him to “earn” it back. Then if you have a similar issue tonight then have a comsequence that you’re ok about following through on in mind.

another vote for letting it slide, he is only little

I would let it slide!

I think he's too young for that. Maybe let him earn it back. Would be a shame to miss his pony ride

It I do let him go then does he have to earn it back this morning? What could he do to earn it back?
The things I expect him to do are get dressed in the morning (with some help) have teeth brushed without complaining, clear away breakfast dishes into kitchen etc but I expect him to do these things everyday so it would have to be something extra so he doesn't just see it as me not sticking to my word and so he feels like he's earning it back iyswim?

I know it's so silly to threaten something I don't actually want to do but I was at a loss for what other consequence I could give him at that point. Dh had even offered to go upstairs to see him but he didn't want him.

No, don't stick to it. I know why you're thinking this. I've done it before. It's no fun for anyone, and they won't internalise "I shouldnt get out of bed because I missed horse riding last week". So it won't be a lesson learnt. This instead is a lesson for you, to try and only threaten something you are actually willing to follow through with. Bedtimes like this are frustrating but if you're absolutely certain that they're not thirsty/wet/cold/scared etc and just having fun then return without conversation every time.

If I was you I wouldn't make a big deal of it today. I wouldn't mention it at all.

No, he absolutely for not have to earn it back. He's only wee. Just a gentle chat about what you expect at bedtime tonight.

Parenting a 4yo is so hard. Constantly wondering if I expect too much of him or too little etc.
Dh is all for letting him go today, he said we're just punishing ourselves if we don't and we'll all have a rubbish day.

Get him to put some socks/pants away (you can always get them out first sneakily) or help empty recycling, restock loo rolls or similar. Tell him those are the things you would have done in the time he was messing so you need his help to do it if he’s to get his pony riding otherwise you don’t have time to take him.

Could you have a conversation with him this morning about his bedtime behaviour? Perhaps you could explain that you've had a think and he can go to his class today but if he plays up at bedtime during the week, you'll take away x, y and z (things that are of less value). Could you also introduce some sort of behaviour chart so that it encourages him to stay in bed and go to sleep, as more of a long term solution and nipping this behaviour in the bud?

I’m in the earn it back camp. Remind him that you’d told him he wouldn’t be going and the reason why and then come up with some random task for him the complete this morning - put toys away, make his bed (with help), that kind of thing.

See I’m quite harsh and would stick to it.

4 years is old enough to understand stay in bed, if it was I need a wee or had hurt themselves fair enough to get out of bed to ask a question isn’t on. Bed time is bed time not ask 200 questions (I have a child which never slept so completely get it)

I may offer the chance of earning it back.

I'd give him the chance to earn it back - help sort the washing or sweep the kitchen floor - and have a chat with him too.

I’d stick to it too, he’ll soon remember for next time!

I’d come up with a way to let him go. Seems like such a shame to not go and it would negatively impact everyone’s day.