I have to stick to my guns don't I?

[dilemma123456]

Last night I put 4.5yo to bed at his usual time and he was tired after being at nursery all day then the park for a while. He always has bath, book then into bed and I chat / cuddle for 5 mins.
He would not stop getting out of bed and shouting down to ask silly questions etc. He's usually very good at going to bed (although he's done this a few times recently).
I was feeding the baby to sleep and had been on the go since 5am that morning so was getting very impatient with it. After a few times I told him that if he shouted down again he wouldn't be going pony riding tomorrow (today) - he then got out of his bed twice after that. His messing about meant he didn't go to sleep until 90 mins after his usual bedtime.

I have to stick to my guns don't I? I do feel bad for him, the past year has obviously been hard. We're in Scotland so really nothing opened for children the past year and nurseries shut more than elsewhere. But I gave him a warning and he did it twice after that!

Dreading the upset about it today though.

Would you stick to your word or let it slide?

@Orangedaisy

Get him to put some socks/pants away (you can always get them out first sneakily) or help empty recycling, restock loo rolls or similar. Tell him those are the things you would have done in the time he was messing so you need his help to do it if he’s to get his pony riding otherwise you don’t have time to take him.

@Orangedaisy is an evil genius and I would follow her advice

I'm a firm believer in carrying out whatever punishment I mention, however with the benefit of now having older children and sometimes regretting how black and white I'd been with relatively minor things when they were little, I'd forget about it and let him go pony riding. These are not great times for all of us and you probably all deserve to do something nice. He just wanted his Mummy at bed time x

Never threaten things you wont follow through on!
Yep " too tired as you were naughty at bedtime" sounds right to me.
Not harsh at all.
Harsh is parents who never stick to anything, make empty threats and end up with children who have no idea what they are meant to do or if you mean what you say.

I would say that as it was short notice I wasn't able to cancel the ride, but if he did it again I have spoken to them and the next one will be cancelled.

Stick to your guns.
Looking back now, with DC now adults, I am glad I did because they soon learned Mum meant what she said.
Short term pain for long term gain.

As teens they were very reasonable as they knew we would always follow through and that could mean not going out with friends.

He just wanted his Mummy at bed time x

This is definitely the factor. The baby feeds every 1.5-2 hours during he day (thankfully only up once at night) and it's a struggle for ds1 that I'm not available to him all the time. He's perfectly happy to play with dh any other time during the day etc but if it's something to do with bedtime he just wants me which is tricky when there's a small baby attached to me. I'm sure it will all settle down.

I have a four year old too. He is the youngest of 4 dc. I was quite strict with my eldest at that age and would have followed through (and the poor thing has asd and had some developmental delay at that age). I wouldn't follow through with it now. I thought my eldest at 4 had much greater understanding than he actually had. I only saw he didn't as he grew up and developed the understanding I thought he already had iyswim. I regret how strict i was with him at that age.

I just don't think a punishment that far removed from the crime will have any affect at all when they are that age. I put consequences in place for my four year old but they are immediate and kind of fit the crime? The good news is there is a strong chance he has forgotten you said it at all, so he won't even know you are going back on it (my four year old has the memory of a goldfish). 4 is still really little.

As you said he only started this recently its obviously to do with the new baby so he needs a bit of mercy. He may have forgotten this morning about the pony riding threat so there will be a whole new drama as you remind him which will exhaust you and ruin the day. He is not going to change for life due to one threat not carried out.
Best recommendations l have seen for coming out of bed is no talking at the time..which feeds his desire for attention..just keep saying the same sentence.. it's time to sleep now..nothing else.
Enjoy the day!!

No, I'd take him horse riding . He is only little. It's enough to have a chat with him about his behaviour.

@dilemma123456

He just wanted his Mummy at bed time x

This is definitely the factor. The baby feeds every 1.5-2 hours during he day (thankfully only up once at night) and it's a struggle for ds1 that I'm not available to him all the time. He's perfectly happy to play with dh any other time during the day etc but if it's something to do with bedtime he just wants me which is tricky when there's a small baby attached to me. I'm sure it will all settle down.

It definitely will. Enjoy the pony riding and don't beat yourself up x

@Weenurse

Stick to your guns. Looking back now, with DC now adults, I am glad I did because they soon learned Mum meant what she said. Short term pain for long term gain. As teens they were very reasonable as they knew we would always follow through and that could mean not going out with friends.

Yes I agree Nothing worse than weak parents who threaten this, that and the other and then cave in. Being too tired because of messing about is a natural consequence. I would listen as he is bound to be upset and talk about how we need to sleep to have a healthy body and be able to do things. Lots of reassurance and cuddles but no pony riding .

I'm in the follow through camp, making up a task for him to earn it back means you're teaching him he can mess around at bedtime and all he has to do to get away with it is make his bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would give/create chance to earn it back. Make a really big deal of every little thing he does well and how good he is being. Could he tidy something or help with something for the baby and then do the whole "you're being such a great bug brother you might be able to earn back..."

Try to think of in advance what you will take away next time so you're not saying it in the heat of the moment (so easily done, been there). The threat of losing screen time often works here. I usually agree with following through but if you have taken away something too big you'll all end up feeling a bit crap about it. Good luck, it is tough to know when you're getting it right

It's hard to know what consequence to use at bedtime isn't it. I don't think he'd be bothered about taking away screen time. He loves his toys but I'd never take them away as punishment, it doesn't sit right with me as they're his. I've removed them in the past when younger if he's thrown a toy or been fighting over one with a friend but that's more a natural consequence. At the park if he misbehaved or something then the consequence is going home but bedtime it's hard to have a natural consequence so you end up saying they can't do things they've been looking forward to all week

I've decided to give him the chance to earn it back. He did remember what I'd said last night. He stayed in his room until his gro clock was yellow even though I'd heard him up 5 minutes before so that was a good start, so far he's done everything I've asked but it's still early so we'll see. Fingers crossed the day turns out well.
I really don't want to be one of those parents that doesn't follow through and this is the first time I won't have stuck to my guns because every other time it's been a much more natural consequence but this just felt cruel to me especially as I know he's just struggling due to new baby. I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth.
I do not want bedtime to become an issue so will have to find a strategy that works if he keeps playing up. Maybe if I schedule more time for it with me he'll be happier to go off to sleep, last night I did rush it a bit as I was so strung / touched out.

That's a really good idea to make more time for you both together without the new baby. It's a hard balancing act. I just want to say you sound like such a lovely mum and really in tune with his needs and wants. You're doing great x

Dh has taken baby ds for a walk and ds1 is 'helping' me with chores.

@MaMaD1990 that's very kind, thank you. The past year has been so hard with wfh with no childcare then nurseries shutting again just as baby ds was born. It's really made me doubt my parenting sometimes so that means a lot

DS2 is 13yrs.... so you'd think I'd have sorted the "empty threats" discipline... alas not!

In the heat of the moment I'd ban all electronics for the next year... only to realise once calming down it was completely disproportionate and more of a punishment for me

So DS and l worked together and wrote down an escalating sanction list of what we both felt was reasonable. This meant that when l was about to spontaneously combust and impose an unrealistic punishment, l instead now go to the agreement

I also have found with both of my DS that earning a treat is more effective then punishing by taking it away.

So instead of riding being a given, your DC has to "earn" to go

That sounds like a great idea and one that will keep you all happy. I get what you are saying re natural consequences. Perhaps you could say if you don't go to bed on time you'll be too tired too... so it is phrased as a natural consequence IYSWIM. This is usually what i would do at bed time (when patience allows). We have followed through in previous times so usually that is enough.

You sound like you're doing a fab job. It is tough at first balancing 2.

I think you have done the right thing letting him earn it back. He remembered so would have been confused if you has taken him without doing that.

I’d let him go today after a conversation about what happened last night. Could you use pony riding as a reward for next week - if DS goes to bed nicely all week and let’s dad come to him if you’re busy, he can pony ride next week? So rewarding rather than punishing.

Tonight i spent an hour on ds1 bedtime, I had a bath with him, he had his story and a longer cuddle and chat. He didn't complain about me leaving and I haven't heard a peep since.
Just put baby ds in his crib too.
Time to relax!

@dilemma123456
A job well done then. Hope you've got your feet up now x