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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I cancel date tomorrow?

88 replies

radiateforme · 19/03/2021 23:22

Chatting to a guy for a while. Seemed lovely. Intelligent, seemingly kind, funny etc. Recently things got a bit flirty via text but I was quite reserved which made it a bit awkward (never met him before!). Now because I've showed a bit of interest, he's become really intense. Sending jokey messages 'how's my future gf' and asking me for selfies. He's nearly 40 and asking for selfies to me just seems daft and immature (I haven't sent him any). Am I being harsh here? Are these things normal? I'm only 30 but recently out of a LTR so haven't dated since my very early 20s...

Should I just cancel? Feels harsh the night before but he's really irritated my today with his questions. I'm also on day 1 of my period so can't work out if I'm just irritable...

OP posts:
Barcodes · 20/03/2021 00:19

Its fairly common to ask for photos if you meet online

Its to help figure out people who have very old photos up, look nothing like their photos or are straight up catfishing and not the person in the photos at all

KurtWilde · 20/03/2021 00:20

I think asking for selfies is pretty standard tbh, and if he's saying things in a jokey way maybe he's just trying to break the ice a bit. It's a bit cringe but not particularly off putting.

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 00:21

@Barcodes

Its fairly common to ask for photos if you meet online

Its to help figure out people who have very old photos up, look nothing like their photos or are straight up catfishing and not the person in the photos at all

But surely if I was catfishing him I could just send another fake photo 🤔 (I'm not btw!). You'd think the only way of solving that is a video call or meeting.
OP posts:
Barcodes · 20/03/2021 00:26

@radiateforme

Depends really, obviously its not fool proof but the photos that people tend to steal/ or have of them selves 10 years/10 stone ago tend to be obviously a staged photo, where as a normal looking selfie of someone at home on the sofa tends to be more reflective

I've definitely subtly pushed for photos before and have friends who do it due to bitter experience. I wouldn't demand specific photos or anything but would encourage "show me what your doing" type things, if someone was very cagey about it then I'd think it was a red flag

ThatchersCold · 20/03/2021 00:29

Yeah I thought I was ready too..hence good few years of on and off disastrous dating attempts. But when I was actually ready it was so different. I think you know when you’re ready because you are genuinely happy and content in yourself and fine either way if you meet someone or not. I was your age when my life went horribly wrong, and 10 years on it’s a very different story. You’ll get there Smile

HollowTalk · 20/03/2021 00:29

Meet up and give him the benefit of the doubt but be prepared to leave early. 🏃‍♀️

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 10:59

Problem solved. We were meant to be meeting at midday. He text me at 10.45 to say he's just got out of bed 🙄 and to meet at 3, I told him I only have childcare until 5. His reply was "2 then". Not impressed. How do I word my next message?

OP posts:
dizzyupthegirl86 · 20/03/2021 11:11

He’s very casual about suddenly pushing you back three hours. For a first date, you’d think he’d be wanting to impress you and on ‘best behaviour’.
If you were really into him, you’d probably stand for it (no shade, I would - but shouldn’t) but actually not being wowed by him already allows you to see it for what it actually is.
Considering you’re apparently his ‘future gif’, he doesn’t value your time whatsoever.

You could either call him out on it and sack him off for good, or say something along the lines of ‘2pm doesn’t work for me, let’s rain check, I wasn’t feeling great anyway’ and then slowly fade him out or see how things go, depending on what you want.

dizzyupthegirl86 · 20/03/2021 11:12

Gf, not gif! Agree that ‘gf’ at almost 40 is really offputting!

HollowTalk · 20/03/2021 11:12

Now I would cancel. What an idiot he is.

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 11:16

Thanks everyone. And thanks for being kind. I think this has been a wakeup call to be honest. I need a break from relationships. Longer than the 2 years I've already had. Still haven't messages him back

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 20/03/2021 11:16

"Thanks but I'll give it a miss today."

And leave it at that. He's a douche.

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 11:18

I'm actually really annoyed. Not because the date is cancelled, but because someone can be so oblivious to the fact that I've had to arrange childcare that I've already dropped my son to, and I was pretty much ready to go.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 20/03/2021 11:19

@radiateforme

Problem solved. We were meant to be meeting at midday. He text me at 10.45 to say he's just got out of bed 🙄 and to meet at 3, I told him I only have childcare until 5. His reply was "2 then". Not impressed. How do I word my next message?
Why would you even bother? He's testing you to see how much shit you will put up with.

tbh the "future girlfriend" comment would have put me right off. He's way too confident and presumptious.

Just ghost him if you don't like blocking. He's not one of the good guys.

Sn0tnose · 20/03/2021 11:20

I think he’s trying to love bomb you. It’s quite common in old. They pay you a huge amount of attention, break down your defences and make you think that it’s really going somewhere, then they ghost you because they’ve been talking to lots of people and they’ve decided they like someone else a bit more. You’re left wondering what happened and where they went.

Problem solved. We were meant to be meeting at midday. He text me at 10.45 to say he's just got out of bed 🙄 and to meet at 3, I told him I only have childcare until 5. His reply was "2 then". Not impressed. How do I word my next message? You say ‘Sorry, that’s not working for me. All the best, Radiate’.

dizzyupthegirl86 · 20/03/2021 11:24

Exactly - as a parent, it’s not that easy for you to arrange a date, particularly on a weekend. You’ve gone to all this trouble and he can’t even be arsed to get out of bed at a normal time.
If you’re wound up now and you’ve not replied, consider not replying at all. Usually I take some time to ponder my response and then realise that actually, you don’t owe him a response and this isn’t your problem to solve.

Think of it this way - if he’d messaged saying ‘I’m so sorry, I’ve woke up late, I might be running 30-40 minutes late’, you’d probably be ok with that. Was he travelling far to get to where you’d agreed to meet?
He could rush around to get ready and meet you on time (or slightly late) whereas instead he’s just assumed you’ll bend to his requirements.

MaLarkinn · 20/03/2021 11:25

Meet him and then decide.

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 11:27

@MaLarkinn

Meet him and then decide.
Erm, no.
OP posts:
eatsleepread · 20/03/2021 11:27

He's too full-on. No self respecting guy talks like that!

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 11:28

I should've cancelled yesterday.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 20/03/2021 11:29

I’m online dating and it’s fairly normal to ask for a FaceTime or a selfie before. Shows your not a catfish. I wouldn’t meet any guy without any of this happening before hand. If you aren’t comfortable I suggest maybe holding off dating for a while.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/03/2021 11:30

Just text back "That doesn't suit me. I'll just leave it."

SparklingLime · 20/03/2021 11:30

You don’t have to spend any more thought or energy on this guy! Just “No, that doesn’t suit me.” And block. You owe him nothing and he’s shown you that he’s no loss.

Original poster
radiateforme · 20/03/2021 11:30

@CharlotteRose90

I’m online dating and it’s fairly normal to ask for a FaceTime or a selfie before. Shows your not a catfish. I wouldn’t meet any guy without any of this happening before hand. If you aren’t comfortable I suggest maybe holding off dating for a while.
I don't agree on this occasion as my gut was telling me something was off. He's now been pretty rude this morning and I'm yet to send my text of annoyance and goodbye!
OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 20/03/2021 11:31

Oh no balls to that following your update. I would text him and say thanks but no thanks I made other plans. Then don’t answer back.

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