AIBU to think that a woman who took traditional route can never be independent?

[Flappypants]

Hi MN

I've just had the MOST depressing call with a mortgage advisor who basically told me I had no chance of buying a property in the area I have to be in (even going a few miles out of the central area I need to live in). I was married to a real Rottweiler in sheep's clothing - a very controlling (financially, psychologically, sexually, emotionally, socially) man who I left to go into a shelter. He's managed to get the DC 50/50 and I'm tied to a very expensive area with limited resources to rent for too much longer without completely wasting what little I got from the marriage. In the meantime he's kept his multi-million pound business and bought a £750k house two weeks after divorce proceedings ended (where he - of course - pled penury)...

What the heck do people do? I'm upskilling and trying to get my life back on track and even with an ok job earning £30-40k there isn't a snowflake's chance in hell I can afford to buy anything here (it's an expensive area). I can't move to somewhere much cheaper as we have shared care, so I can't move with the DC.

What do people do? Please please offer me a glimmer of hope? I went all in to be a wife and mother but of course it has made me financially unstable and without any decent prospect of my own home (I'm also 42 and single, and don't want to have to be reliant on a man - or anyone for that matter - for my financial security)! I'm certainly paying for a series of bad life choices, aren't I?

HEEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I don’t think your post title is unreasonable, though, I think you’re right. I wish more young women were aware of the risks of giving up work, regardless of marital status.

However, it definitely sounds like your financial settlement should have been better. How did he manage to plead penury?

I hope someone is along soon who’s been in a similar position and who can advise...

Could you get a live in job somewhere - care home, nanny?

Yanbu. I am in a similar position and I wish I knew the answer but I don't. I tell myself that things will work themselves out somehow, I just don't know how yet.

@HotPenguin

Could you get a live in job somewhere - care home, nanny?

and where do the kids stay 50% of the time?

Have you approached the local authority? Looked at part buy part rent options - it sucks OP but did you get no settlement at all?

How old are your children?

You got no settlement at all?

Take him back to court for non disclosure? He’s clearly hidden something. Get advise on this first though!

Also you’re not tied to it if you can’t afford it - you don’t have to live near him.

I agree with back to court for non disclosure!! x

How old are your children and how long have you been out of work? It sounds like you are retraining so that’s positive. I don’t see how you can do anything but move out of area. You can’t afford to live in your current area so it isn’t a choice it’s a need.

Why did you end up with a low settlement. I'm so sorry this happened. Some men are just brutal. How old are your DC.
I disagree with your title though.

I would be talking to your solicitor about applying to have your Financial Order varied.
It’s generally a “full and final” type thing, but if the £750K purchase 2 weeks later suggests that he didn’t disclose everything, you may have a case to vary it.

Can you rent locally until the children leave school and leave home? Meanwhile improve your employment skills. Then you could move to a more affordable area after you and Ex are no longer sharing 50/50 child care.

Sorry OP. I agree, young women should be advised not to give up their independence and to work and be financially solvent in their own right.

You are young - there is time to earn and become independent

I agree with the title in your OP but that doesn't really help now given where you are.
I'm not a legal expert but buying a 750k house shortly after a divorce doesn't sound the kind of thing that someone who was entirely honest during divorce proceedings should do. Is there no way to contest this? How old are the children?

I disagree with your title too - though women who don’t work are m more at risk, yes.

You earn more than the average wage, on your own - that’s a positive. You are free of an utter bastard - another positive. How much further out could you move? Any possibility of shared ownership in your area? Apologies if this is obvious, but have you considered a 1 bed place with a decent sofa bed for you?

That sounds pretty crap☹️.

Why do you have to stay local though, my mother fucked of 200 miles away when her and my father divorced (obviously not great IMO but certainly don’t need to be tied to one area).

@FTEngineerM because it’s 50/50 shared care so OP can’t do a 400 mile round trip every handover, or drive them 200 miles to school in the morning.

I feel like if your DH has shafted you so you can't afford to live locally it is HIS problem if you move out of the area and he will have to do a longer journey if he wants to have his 50% share.

I'm guessing you won't have to move that far to find somewhere more affordable either but could be wrong. Either way I feel its his problem and he can do the travelling

I agree with your title and the other posters who say back to the court for non disclosure if you can

@8bitgame if OP moves further out and expects the father to do the travelling, he will take that straight to court and get an order saying that she has to do it as she moved, or at least shared. No court is going to tell him to do all the travelling.

And if he’s canny, he’ll set up handover around the school drop off / pick up, which is local to him, so that OP is forced to make the long journey as that’s where school is.

I do think moving further out is the answer, but under no illusions she can force him to do more.

OP, if you can afford to buy further out, consider getting a lodger so that you can use the tax free (rent a room allowance) for the extra income and use that to hammer the mortgage as a step towards moving back closer later.

@Cocomarine no I gave my example because it’s extreme but even a 50 mile radius would be enormous. A few extra minutes in the car seems like it would really help the housing situation.

IF you are right about your ex husband's current circumstances see a lawyer about variation. PUt this on to the legal advice side.

Yes to your OP - few women who give up work to look after DC and DH or DP can be financially independent unless they have already worked and had enough money to tuck away and keep paying state pension. They need to be financially savvy and make sure any properties are in joint names and that they have rights to pensions.

And even in the best of relationships both men and women need to look ahead for provision - especially if they have children. Wills, Powers of Attorney, End of Life Directives. Look at poor Kate Garraway (?) who thought both she and her chap under 60 they wouldn't need them yet. Now she can't access his savings for their children.

I earn minimum wage and I own a house that I bought on my own. It was £100k, 2 bed semi in a cheap part of the east Midlands.

I've no idea how single people in the south manage.

Help to buy or shared ownership? Or buy something somewhere else for later and rent it out for now?

I can't give you advise on the financial side, OP, but in terms of your feelings, maybe consider re-framing.

Lots of people, who are independent, never own a home. Many have never had a career, and never plan to, they have jobs.

If you've grown up in a certain way, it can be difficult to let go of the expectation, but that expectation isn't realistic.

That's not to say you shouldn't consider that you might want a career and how to get one, or maybe you can get to a place where you will own your own home at some point. But - it is ok if you don't. You can still get to a place where you take care of yourself and be an independent adult who contributes to society.