My closest friend of over 10 years is pregnant and due to have her baby shower soon. My saying that I needed to book the baby shower off of work has resulted in her seemingly ending the friendship and I'm totally lost about where to go from here.
To give a back story, I was made redundant last March when I had just found out that I was pregnant. I couldn't get further employment because of my bump and I had just changed jobs, so wasn't entitled to any support. I did have one Saturday job which has become my saving grace financially, as we've had to resort to credit to survive. I then recently started a new job to try to provide some support to the family when the credit ran out. The baby is 6 months old and my daughter has ADHD and is used to having me around lots. One week into this new job and my hours given were a nightmare for getting to spend time with the kids. I had spoken to my friend about how I felt truly guilty for leaving my kids so much and that I was looking for a different job to have more of a balance. I'd said that I struggled with the pressure of providing financially but also being a good mum, as I had judgement for leaving my kids. This had made me feel shitty but I felt conflicted between making ends meet and being there as much as I would like to be.
Anyway, fast forward the baby shower invite for a Saturday and i let me friend know that as i was contracted for my stable job on Saturday's, I had to ask my boss for cover so couldn't give a definite answer just yet. I tried to reassure by saying not to worry as I'm sure it would be fine and I'd make it up with a 2nd baby shower on any other day if I couldn't get the Saturday off from work. My friend said I should call in sick. I explained that I couldn't because as it was a drama academy, numbers had to be covered by staff to student ratio. That if I pulled a last minute sick day, my boss would have to refund 120 kids fees if unable to find last minute cover and I'd be given the sack if she then found out that I wasn't ill. My friend blanked me that night and I frantically tried to call and message to discuss it and calm her down. She ignored all attempts and ghosted me for a few days. I was in bits because she's my oldest friend.
She finally rang to talk about it and emotions were running high, because by this point I was upset that I had been blanked essentially for not being able to be given the sack and agreeing to pull a sickie. It's not like before children where we could risk getting the sack. At the moment, that one day a week means the difference between food on the table for the kids and not. My friend was clearly angry from the off and this made me upset because I felt like the reaction was so unfair. She explained that she couldn't do the shower on another day because it suited others in the party better to have it on a Saturday. I said that I understood that, but just like it suited others better for that day, it was difficult for me with work. I said that I was sure it would be fine and that I had immediately attempted to look for cover the night of the invite. That I think I had cover in place. She came back by saying that I now put work above anything else and its more important than anything. Bearing in mind that I had confided that one week into full time employment and i felt horrendous guilt and conflicting about leaving my kids, this comment really hurt and couldn't have come at a worse time. I raised my voice over the hurtful attack and said that had hurt, then put the phone down. I immediately text to say that that comment had really hurt, given i was having to do this to be able to feed my kids in desperate circumstances with finances. I said that I needed to end the conversation before more hurtful things were said and suggested that we were both hurt and maybe needed a little more time to reflect and let emotions settle. I asked her to please not say anything else hurtful to me, because I didnt want to argue or for anyone to say anything which may harm our friendship. I had a reply which explained that I was selfish and usually so aware of others feelings, but that I was dismissive of how much I'd hurt her by saying maybe to her baby shower. She denied saying anything hurtful or anything that brought my kids into it. Basically, I would have streams of messages attacking my character and priorities and essentially how crap I was as a friend. Everytime iwould respond and try to calm down the situation by explaining that it looks like I can come. She was cross that I had said about a 2nd baby shower to make it up to her as worst case scenario and felt that was insensitive to a pregnant lady. She was also apparently hurt that I had raised my voice to her to say she'd hurt me when she was attacking me. She said that I'd screamed at a pregnant woman and put the phone down on a pregnant woman and needed to apologise. This hurt more because I hadn't screamed but had to raise my voice over the attack on me personally to say that she was being hurtful by saying I put work over my children. Messages would deny anything said on her part, finally ending with her saying that she was concerned over my mental health. Every message was filled with so much anger. I ended by saying that I needed her to retract the hurtful things she'd said and that I was truly sorry she was upset. I haven't heard anything from her since. I'm so lost as to what to do. I've even sent the exact messages to a couple of close friends and asked them to be completely honest and let me know if I had done something wrong or said something wrong to cause the anger. They commented that my messages were trying to calm and reassure and that replies were filled with anger. They thought that maybe something was going on to cause the anger and that my friend was projecting this onto me, as she felt safe to do so without me walking away. In a nutshell, the messages were filled with constant attacks on me as a mum and my character and mental health. However she then asks about my mental health when I tell her that her words are hurtful. It feels like gas lighting and mind games. I have no idea where to go from here. I've apologised and I'm still being blanked. I don't deserve this treatment but I don't want to lose the friendship when we've been through so much together.