Unreasonable reaction to a baby shower?

[Tiredmomclub]

My closest friend of over 10 years is pregnant and due to have her baby shower soon. My saying that I needed to book the baby shower off of work has resulted in her seemingly ending the friendship and I'm totally lost about where to go from here.

To give a back story, I was made redundant last March when I had just found out that I was pregnant. I couldn't get further employment because of my bump and I had just changed jobs, so wasn't entitled to any support. I did have one Saturday job which has become my saving grace financially, as we've had to resort to credit to survive. I then recently started a new job to try to provide some support to the family when the credit ran out. The baby is 6 months old and my daughter has ADHD and is used to having me around lots. One week into this new job and my hours given were a nightmare for getting to spend time with the kids. I had spoken to my friend about how I felt truly guilty for leaving my kids so much and that I was looking for a different job to have more of a balance. I'd said that I struggled with the pressure of providing financially but also being a good mum, as I had judgement for leaving my kids. This had made me feel shitty but I felt conflicted between making ends meet and being there as much as I would like to be.

Anyway, fast forward the baby shower invite for a Saturday and i let me friend know that as i was contracted for my stable job on Saturday's, I had to ask my boss for cover so couldn't give a definite answer just yet. I tried to reassure by saying not to worry as I'm sure it would be fine and I'd make it up with a 2nd baby shower on any other day if I couldn't get the Saturday off from work. My friend said I should call in sick. I explained that I couldn't because as it was a drama academy, numbers had to be covered by staff to student ratio. That if I pulled a last minute sick day, my boss would have to refund 120 kids fees if unable to find last minute cover and I'd be given the sack if she then found out that I wasn't ill. My friend blanked me that night and I frantically tried to call and message to discuss it and calm her down. She ignored all attempts and ghosted me for a few days. I was in bits because she's my oldest friend.

She finally rang to talk about it and emotions were running high, because by this point I was upset that I had been blanked essentially for not being able to be given the sack and agreeing to pull a sickie. It's not like before children where we could risk getting the sack. At the moment, that one day a week means the difference between food on the table for the kids and not. My friend was clearly angry from the off and this made me upset because I felt like the reaction was so unfair. She explained that she couldn't do the shower on another day because it suited others in the party better to have it on a Saturday. I said that I understood that, but just like it suited others better for that day, it was difficult for me with work. I said that I was sure it would be fine and that I had immediately attempted to look for cover the night of the invite. That I think I had cover in place. She came back by saying that I now put work above anything else and its more important than anything. Bearing in mind that I had confided that one week into full time employment and i felt horrendous guilt and conflicting about leaving my kids, this comment really hurt and couldn't have come at a worse time. I raised my voice over the hurtful attack and said that had hurt, then put the phone down. I immediately text to say that that comment had really hurt, given i was having to do this to be able to feed my kids in desperate circumstances with finances. I said that I needed to end the conversation before more hurtful things were said and suggested that we were both hurt and maybe needed a little more time to reflect and let emotions settle. I asked her to please not say anything else hurtful to me, because I didnt want to argue or for anyone to say anything which may harm our friendship. I had a reply which explained that I was selfish and usually so aware of others feelings, but that I was dismissive of how much I'd hurt her by saying maybe to her baby shower. She denied saying anything hurtful or anything that brought my kids into it. Basically, I would have streams of messages attacking my character and priorities and essentially how crap I was as a friend. Everytime iwould respond and try to calm down the situation by explaining that it looks like I can come. She was cross that I had said about a 2nd baby shower to make it up to her as worst case scenario and felt that was insensitive to a pregnant lady. She was also apparently hurt that I had raised my voice to her to say she'd hurt me when she was attacking me. She said that I'd screamed at a pregnant woman and put the phone down on a pregnant woman and needed to apologise. This hurt more because I hadn't screamed but had to raise my voice over the attack on me personally to say that she was being hurtful by saying I put work over my children. Messages would deny anything said on her part, finally ending with her saying that she was concerned over my mental health. Every message was filled with so much anger. I ended by saying that I needed her to retract the hurtful things she'd said and that I was truly sorry she was upset. I haven't heard anything from her since. I'm so lost as to what to do. I've even sent the exact messages to a couple of close friends and asked them to be completely honest and let me know if I had done something wrong or said something wrong to cause the anger. They commented that my messages were trying to calm and reassure and that replies were filled with anger. They thought that maybe something was going on to cause the anger and that my friend was projecting this onto me, as she felt safe to do so without me walking away. In a nutshell, the messages were filled with constant attacks on me as a mum and my character and mental health. However she then asks about my mental health when I tell her that her words are hurtful. It feels like gas lighting and mind games. I have no idea where to go from here. I've apologised and I'm still being blanked. I don't deserve this treatment but I don't want to lose the friendship when we've been through so much together.

@Mamamamasaurus

Your oldest friend doesn't sound like a good friend

You're better off without the drama.

Exactly. Just because you’ve known her a long time, it doesn’t mean she’s a good friend.

Cut her loose. Besides, baby showers are awful. You’ll probably have a much better time at work!

I could just - just - about stretch to this maybe being hormone or pregnancy-stress related but she has form for this sort of behaviour given her hen do antics.

Fuck that shit, she's no friend. Friends don't expect others to prioritise earning a living over a bloody baby shower. Friends don't expect blind obedience because they were there for you in the past. Friends don't behave in the way that this screaming loon does.

What everyone else has said. I also wonder if she has had a lot of declines for her baby shower, and yours was the last straw.

She is behaving like a diva. I would let this one go, sad as it is for you. You deserve better friends than this.

Leave her to it! You’ve apologised (whether you were in the right or in the wrong) and she’s ignoring you. Don’t bother responding or asking how she is. Just ignore her and move on.

I know it’s sad sometimes when a friendship ends, but sometimes they just come to the end of their life. This particular friendship isn’t worth the stress IMO. She sounds like a Taker not a Giver.

(And I’m another one who thinks baby showers are crap too, so all that fuss she made just adds to the ridiculousness and self-centredness)

Bless you. You have enough serious pressures and worries in your life right now that you really don’t need a ‘friend’ like this. I know it’s hard, you say that she’s your oldest friend. Move on... she has treated you despicably.
Hopefully it was raging pregnancy hormones and she will apologise. But you are not the one who should be apologising to her.

She's demented. And now with a baby she's going to get worse - is she going to blackmail you into dropping everything for the Christening? The 1st birthday? Each and every subsequent birthday?

Honestly, I know this is hugely stressful and upsetting for you now, but in the long term your life will be better without her in it, bullying you every time she takes a fancy to it.

I'll be honest, I read 3/4 of your post. She is far too much drama, if she can't understand that you have to work then she's no friend. I wouldn't be frantically trying to call her, I'd distance myself. Skipping work and attending a baby shower is wrong, doing it in your situation would be ridiculous. Of course you go to work and if she can't understand that then she either gets over it or you stop pandering to her.

Why is she hosting a baby shower during this pandemic?
Also ditch the friend she sounds like a cow, sorry but she's not your friend.

@Tiredmomclub YANBU at ALL. She is a horrible friend.

Tell her to get fucked, and then block her.

Your so-called friend sounds like one of the most selfish people I've ever heard of.

I must live in a parallel world to some of MN - I have never ever had an acquaintance - let alone someone I'd consider my best friend - behave like that towards me.

And if they did, I would just walk away. I wouldn't say anything, but I would simply not communicate with them again.

OP I had a friendship like this, dragged it out for years because she was my oldest friend and I felt a sense of duty in some twisted weird way. One day she sent me a string of abusive messages for daring to go out with another friend after she'd ignored both our invites. This was after months of emotional manipulation after I started a new relationship. I snapped and cut her off there and then, best thing I ever did. It was like a bad relationship and a weight lifted instantly.

This person is treating you like rubbish, being abusive and taking advantage of you. She's also overstepping the clear boundaries you set, doesn't care about you or your mental health at all.

Cut her off. Block her. Move on, you're worth more, you sound like an amazing mum and you deserve friends who recognise that and support you through the tough bits aswell as the good bits.

As pps have commented this seems a very one-sided account. Easy to froth about, there must be more to this?

@Zancah

Real friends don't treat you like that.

Exactly this. No more needs to be said!

She sounds unhinged, you're better off finding new friends.

I had a very old uni friend pull a similar thing over her hen do last year. It was heartbreaking and I felt so hurt, and tore myself to pieces over it at the time. But I also held firm and it was like the scales fell from my eyes and I realised I’d been tiptoeing around her selfishness to facilitate the friendship for years. We haven’t spoken since and although I still feel sad and a little wistful at times, it’s been really liberating. Honestly, OP, just get rid x

She sounds unhinged. She's angry because you won't risk your job to attend her baby shower. Absolute madness to expect someone to do that.

"Can you come to my baby shower on Saturday?"

"No because they are greedy and ridiculous."

Easy.

Your friend sounds like someone you could do without having in your life.

Sorry didn’t read the whole OP but I can’t abide baby showers, grabby and tacky.
Anyone who thinks that you should phone in sick to attend one is a dick.

After reading your first message, I thought she's not your friend. Its a fucking baby shower versus your income.

After reading your second message and this paragraph:
I had just had my first child and was on maternity leave so I explained that I wouldn't be able to afford initial ideas for week long abroad breaks in the sun. She made it clear that the friendship would end if I didn't. I ended up taking out a loan to go on the hen do which did go ahead.

I think you should drop kick her into next week.

I suppose the problem I have with giving up is because in the past she has 100% been there for me for some really tough circumstances.

Putting you into debt via emotional blackmail is not 'being there 100% for you'. Expecting you to risk your job for a baby shower through emotional blackmail is not 'being there 100% for you'. Its coercive and expecting you to put yourself at risk for her for trival matters.

In all honesty, the only times when we have ever had tension in our entire friendship is when she's had a big life event.

A baby shower is not a big life event. Nor is a hen do. They are self indulgent commerical twaddle and attention seeking. A big life event is the actual wedding, the actual birth and deaths. Not this crap.

Get rid, save yourself the drama and potential economic hardship. She is not worth it. Find friends who understand priorities like keeping a fucking roof over your head and feeding your kids and don't throw a hissy fit because you don't jump high enough when they demand it.

With friends like these who needs enemies. OP she sounds selfish, you're not going to be loosing a lot if you cut contact. I can't believe a friend would want you to risk your job for one day, for a baby shower. To put things into perspective I was just texting my friend to arrange getting together (when lock down is eased) we were talking shifts, I said I probably couldn't do certain dates due to work. She said no problem. Like a normal person, an actual friend. You don't deserve to be treated so appallingly.

This woman isn't your friend. She's a cowbag. I have honestly never heard of anyone organising a baby shower for themselves(and only been to two in ten years -one was organised by an American, and the other organised for an American). Weird.

I read your first post and thought if this is wildly out of character for her I might be prepared to move past it but based on your second post I think you should leave her to it.

I cannot believe you had to take out a bank loan to indulge her hen party ideas.

My ex best and oldest friend behaved like this. Her 'events' would frequently be far beyond my financial means and/or massively inconvenient. She was also not used to the word no.
In hindsight I don't think our friendship ever felt equal and I don't think she respected me. It came to a head once when she messaged me on the afternoon of her birthday party telling me she needed me at short notice to travel across the city and help her with the birthday arrangements. I told her I was sorry but I had other commitments for the day, I would definitely have been there if I'd known in advance but now other people were relying on me (I had very valid reasons for not being available which I shared with her). I said I'd be the first person to the party to help in anyway I could but I could not make it there earlier. I apologised. She insisted. I said no.

I turned up to the party, first as arranged. She practically blanked me. I stayed for a couple of hours then said my goodbyes. She reportedly spent the rest of the evening bawling crying and saying I was being awful to her on her birthday.

I don't miss her. Everything was always on her terms.

Life is too short for friends like this.

Thanks so much for the replies. Just to answer a couple of points - absolutely right in that I was aware this behaviour is wrong. I've never posted on a forum in my life, but the gas lighting had caused me to doubt my part in it. In the sense that although I was well aware that this behaviour is OTT and wrong, I questioned whether people really do put THIS much emphasis on baby shower attendance.

I completely agree with those of you who have said about me being a bit of a doormat or words to that effect. This is me all over and I'm working on it! I can and have walked away from friendships, but the gas lighting rocked me. This friend has lost most of her friendships in similar situations and I was pretty much one of a few that were left so unfortunately I think that she won't ever understand her part in the pattern. I'll leave it there and focus on my own life. Thanks all

Reminds me of that new computer game ad : Friends without the R. This person, OP is certainly a “friend” without an “r” and you are well rid.
Good luck with your future employment, you have your priorities right.